To be upset that my partner doesn't want marriage or children?

[deathofanoptimist]

A bit of context.

I have three boys from a previous relationship. He has a boy from a previous relationship.

His current circumstances surrounding his ex and son aren't great. She wants to move away and start a life with her new partner. The courts are becoming involved, it's just a mess.

A couple of months ago I suffered an early miscarriage. Though the pregnancy was not expected, it hit me more than I thought it was. I was sad. I still am sad. There was no emotion from him, but I guess I knew he was relieved.

It's since come up in conversation, I'll drop the idea of us having a child together, the idea of marriage. It's been shut down.

I completely understand that this custody battle is making him feel like shit. I've been doing what I can to try and support/facilitate. This has been an ongoing issue since we first met, there's never been any break from it.

But for some reason, I just feel grief at the concept that I won't be having a child with him. Like, it feels like actual grief. I almost feel as though our relationship just consists of going through this shitty time with his ex and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't have any friends to talk to about this, so I can't seem to get a grasp on if my feelings right now are unreasonable.

Opinions would be most appreciated, because I just don't know how to shake this feeling/move forward.

Please be gentle - clearly hormonal/over emotional haha!

I assume your DC are quite young. When you have 4 teenagers weirdly they take up so much emotional energy and money that you might think what the fuck was I thinking. Also all that baby stuff again. I get that babies are lovely but older kids need so much more than you may realise

@PieMistee

I assume your DC are quite young. When you have 4 teenagers weirdly they take up so much emotional energy and money that you might think what the fuck was I thinking. Also all that baby stuff again. I get that babies are lovely but older kids need so much more than you may realise

My eldest is 12, so maybe I am going to be in for a shock in a couple of years that will end up changing my mind.

I think it comes down to loving being a parent. My children are my total happiness. Everything evolves around them. this attitude always makes me a bit for people.

Reality is that you already are a parent, and regardless of how many children you have that isn’t going to change. But the whole idea of having children is that they will grow up and eventually become adults, and that won’t change the fact that you’re a parent, it will just change the kind of parent you are, i.e. from parent of newborns to parent of pre/teens/adults. Every facet of parenting has its good sides, and I worry about people who want more children because children are their whole life. That life is going to change, and if you’ve based all of it around your children you run the risk of feeling empty when they leave home. There has to be more to your life than that.

You’re 30. You’re at a fantastic point in your life. Your children are going to be adults presumably in the next 15 years or so, and you will still be young enough to live your own life. And more to the point, if they grow up and have children you will still be young enough to have a good and active relationship with any grandchildren, and you will have had your career in between all that.

I was 28 when I had my DS, and mine and then DH’s parents were 51 and 52 respectively, and had an incredibly active life with him. My eXH then went on to have another child 13 years later, and the relationship that child has had with his grandparents is vastly different because they’re so much older, and in some cases (i.e. in the case of his DP’s parents,) have additional age-related health problems which mean they are unable to have the same kind of relationship with him as with their previous grandchildren on both eXH and his partner’s side.

While no-one can tell you you’re wrong for wanting more children, not wanting more children when you already have 4 to think of definitely isn’t wrong either, in fact I would say it’s incredibly sensible, even more so in a blended family IMO.

As for marriage, why do you want marriage? Is it because you need him to show commitment to you? Again it is eminently sensible not to want to get married while still in a bitter custody battle from the previous marriage. you can still be together without having to be married or even without him wanting to commit to marriage in the shorter term.

If marriage is that important to you then of course it’s something which should be discussed, but now almost certainly isn’t the right time for that.

I will never get married again. As with a poster above, I am now all too aware of how people change over time (myself included) and wil never again tie myself into a legally binding contract to remain in a relationship. I do not view marriage as anything to do with love or romance. It's a hard line for me. I have had my children and frankly don't want anymore. These are not unreasonable positions and they are entirely non negotiable; nor is your own position in any way unreasonable, OP.

I would wait until after the court case; wait until your hormones are settled. Ignore it until then and then have a serious discussion, rather than dropping it into conversation. See how firm his views are, along with your own. Then, if there is no room for negotiation (as in my case), at least you know where you are. Now is a very high stress time in your relationship and not the time for making major decisions.

You paint a bleak picture of life with him is like. You aren't married to him and don't have kids together and he is dragging you though all his drama and stress. And now it seems that your future desires do not match yours. Personally, I'd have no qualms binning him.

Relationships are meant to be fun and make you feel happy. This guy has too much shit going on to commit to a relationship right now. He clearly can't compartmentalise it.

If you want more kids, look elsewhere.

I would think 3 kids and a law degree is enough to be getting on with.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be saddling myself with a bloke with a messy child arrangement battle going on either.

*his future desires do not match yours.

Were marriage/children discussed early on in the relationship or has it been established how you both felt about getting married or having more children?

Either way, I would focus on your existing children and your degree while this court case does it’s thing and your hormones settle down and then see how you feel

@Pinkbonbon I do go through times of these thoughts. Maybe that's why I'm being so hypersensitive to him to wanting to commit with me in terms of children/marriage.

The bleak feeling is overwhelming right now. I'm currently stuck in a headspace of "is there a light at the end of the tunnel?" And "I'm going through all of this with him, and for what?"

As other PP have said, I think it's a decision I need to make with the information in front of me. That's not going to be an overnight decision though.

Not wanting to commit*

I think he's making a responsible decision to sort out his relationship with the child he already has first before (if ever) thinking of having another. I can also imagine going through this battle and thinking 'Never again will I do this with someone else'.

He's not doing anything wrong here. The issue is what do you want to do about it? It's either accept that it may or may not happen with him, stay and take care of the children you already have or find someone else who is open to it.

You have all been super helpful, thank you.

I can very much understand a man having reservations about having a child at a time when he's going through a custody battle in relation to the one child he already has. It's causing stress and strain and if probably doesn't ever want to risk that again.

It isn't a reflection on you. It's reflective on his situation and experience.

It's such a big issue, it probably dominates most of this thinking right now so I can see how a wedding is no his priority. How is he otherwise? Is he committed to you in all other ways.

Op I've had mcs they mess with your head big time!

If it's fairly recent give it a while yet as hormones could still be playing havoc with you.

If the relationship is otherwise good and fair I see no reason why marriage or another child is a pressing need.

I'm also the mother of an adult at this point - do not underestimate the trials of teenage hood! Honestly it's a time when your kids need your full energy, time and attention I would not throw a baby/toddler into that mix at all.

@NeverChange I can't really fault him for anything. He's always been supportive of me and my children. He's very caring and what I would call a "gold dust" man. Which is probably why I'm feeling insecure about the whole thing. He's a fantastic dad too and he doesn't deserve all the custody battle issues that are going on and the way he's been treated. It frustrates me to no end that his parenting skills as a father are not appreciated by his ex and he's been deemed replaceable by her new partner.

Which is why I'm still around. As difficult as this situation is and continues to progress, none of it is his fault.

You’re doing a law degree? Good. Focus on that and get your career underway. Law is supremely competitive, it’ll need your focus. And I think it’s best if you don’t tie yourself to this man.

No one should be pressured to marry or have children against their wishes

At least he's been honest with you

Sorry about the miscarriage

I haven’t read the full thread . Just some comments . Don’t listen to people telling you how many kids are enough. If you want more then there’s nothing wrong with that. However I think it would be best to take a break for now. Take some time to grieve your loss and finish your degree . Also maybe this would allow him some time to deal with the issue with his ex. He may not be ready to have another child whilst he’s in the process of almost loosing the one he has. Just wait for the right time when both of you are mentally and emotionally in a better place .

@deathofanoptimist

I'm so sorry for your loss - it's natural to want to try to replace what you've lost however if your partner isn't up for more kids and you are desperate for more then you need to discuss this

I personally would be happy with 3 kids if my own and a stepchild

More children could be added pressure and you could end up as a single parent of 4 boys! Just hold that thought

He sounds like a good one.

You are also still young so it's not a case of now or never either. Things may change in the future and you can also reevaluate at a later stage when things settle down.

I'm very sorry for your loss.