Aibu to constantly think my husband will cheat?

[Pushpushpoosh]

I am ruining my marriage by worrying constantly that DH will cheat. Weve been married 10 years and hes never strayed or text anyone else or anything i just worry constantly that oneday he will. I dont know why i feel like this. I cant stop thinking it and now hes saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this.

He works in a mainly female enviroment and i think this is what gets to me his workplace friendships with the other women. If he goes on a night out or something i feel absolutely frantic. I really want to change.
I know im being really unfair, but has anyone else ever been in this situation.

I wish so so much i could have the attitude of 'if he does then he does and hes ruined our family' but i cant and i feel so trapped in my own mind.

It sounds like you need some counselling

What makes you think he will?

Yes, YABU. Why don't you trust him? He's not just going to accidentally trip and fall on a woman.

You need some help to deal with this.
It’s completely unfair on him.

this sounds exhausting!
do you speak to him about this or this all in your head?

based on your OP, you are being an awful partner and your DH should leave if you keep bringing it up.

How does your anxiety manifest itself? What is it you’re doing?

@Youdoyoutoday

this sounds exhausting! do you speak to him about this or this all in your head?

I think she must do, as it is doing his head in as well. What a mess.

I'm so sorry that you feel like this OP. It must be very hard and you must be feeling on edge all the time, and it becomes a vicious cycle of self-destruction and alienating your partner. I strongly recommend counselling as it sounds like this is a quite serious mental health problem. I hope you find a way through

Have you met the people he works with? Would that make you feel less threatened? Maybe you could go along on one of the nights out? If he's such good friends with them surely it wouldn't be unreasonable for to meet them. To be honest if there were lots of young single women I wouldn't love my OH going on lots of drunken nights out with them either.

Well, evidence suggests that married people do cheat sometimes, so you're not entirely unreasonable to have some concern.

But it's wearing you out.

You might need therapy, you might not. Look at the situation and understand it isn't working for you. Think about the worst-case scenario - if he cheats, will you split? How will you organise your life after that? Think it through. When you have a clear 'Plan B', you'll feel more secure.

Also work on your own life. Do you have a job? Does it suit you? If not, get one or change to one you like better. What about children? Does anything need changing there? And your own inner life - what do you enjoy, can you do more of that? What brings you peace? Do that, daily.

While you're doing those things, be firm with your mind, which keeps offering you desperate thoughts. Say 'No! Things have gone well so far and there is every chance they will continue to do so. I'm happy, now.' Proceed with your life as if everything will be ok. If that turns out to be the case, good. If not, you won't be a worn-out, frazzled and devastated woman - you'll be someone in a good place to manage on her own if she has to.

As others have said, you need counselling to sort out where this comes from and how to manage it.
I am in your partner's position at the moment, and it is indeed exhausting and frustrating to be constantly accused and trying to 'prove' my innocence. We've been together 15 years, and I have never done anything that could be considered cheating. My DH has sought counselling, which is helping. He's worked out the root cause (which he's shared with me), and even if he hasn't controlled the feelings yet he does at least now (mostly!) understand how irrational they are. It has been incredibly stressful few years since this began, and if he hadn't been willing to get help I too would be leaving.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

Have you cheated on him? The reason I ask is that the people I know who have been paranoid about their partner cheating have been cheats themselves. Sorry if you haven't. I'm not judging, it just something to consider.

Sounds like it could be one of a few things. Have you been cheated on before, or someone close to you (parent, sibling, best friend) cheated on by a long-term partner? If so, it makes sense that you've got the mindset that it happens and you need to be scared. There's also what's referred to as 'relationship OCD' - obsessive thoughts/compulsive behaviours connected to your relationships. It's also possibly that your self-esteem isn't good and your insecurities make you think he will cheat.

Whatever the reason, though, the only thing that is currently destroying your relationship is you.

Can you imagine how he feels, hearing that you don't trust him, over and over again? That you think so little of him (in his eyes) that you think he'd do that? That after a decade, you still can't let this idea go?

You have to get help. If you can afford private counselling, please get that. Go and see your GP anyway - if you can't afford private counselling, they can refer you for CBT (good for very specific negative thought patterns) and potentially try prescribing you a low dose of an SSRI to help with the anxiety/obsessive thoughts.

Try looking up resources online for anxiety/obsessive thoughts - this website (just Googled, so can't vouch for it directly) for example has worksheet downloads, mp3 files to listen to, and plenty of info about how to deal with unwanted thoughts www.getselfhelp.co.uk/self-help/.

There are also online CBT courses, if private therapy isn't an option, which will be much cheaper. You are either: worrying excessively (aka anxiety) OR having obsessive thoughts.

CBT and help for anxiety are aimed at reducing those negative thought patterns, and there is plenty of information out there to help.

Seek it out and use it - it is miserable to be trapped in a brain that won't let you know peace because you need to be on high alert for the next 'danger', and it is unfair to your partner to make him continue to shoulder it, too.

Do you have your own life outside of your relationship with him? Work etc?

It can sometimes be all consuming if "all you are" for want of a better word is the wife.

How would you manage if he did leave? It can help if you are reasonably self sufficient.

My own husband works with mainly women. Its entirely possible that at some point he may cheat. I'm not naive to think that it 100% wont happen. However, he appears to be a fully committed husband and so any worry I may have would be wasted as it wont change anything.

It helps though that on a practical level I know I can cope without him. Financially I made sure our bills are affordable on one salary (beans on toast for dinners but still!).

Whether you worry excessively or not, won't change the outcome. I suggest you get Counseling!!! That must be
so exhausting though.

I don’t believe it’s healthy to have it in the forefront of your mind as much as you do.

…but would you say you read a lot of the relationship boards on here? I mean, until I discovered Mumsnet maybe I was either naive or that the posts that I notice/are posted bring cheating to light more. Fair enough, you’re much less likely to find people post when things are all hunky dory so the cheating ones etc are more prevalent, but it definitely struck me as sad the amount of people who cheat on partners/have been cheated on.

It could be one of several scenarios but basically: either you have reason not to trust him, in which case you are better off out of the marriage anyway OR it’s something you are imagining in which case you need professional help.

You don’t say in your OP whether he has previously given you reason not to trust him. If trust is not there there is basically no relationship and you need to let go. Once trust is lost it in near impossible to recover.

But if this is in your head, based for example on something that happened in a previous relationship then you have an obligation to stop it corroding an otherwise good relationship. It’s not fair on him to live with this level of suspicion and mistrust.

Are there reasons for you not to trust him?

He might as well cheat as he’s getting the stick for it so why not actually do it.

Honestly if a man accused me of cheating the relationship would definitely be over.
You are driving him and yourself mad.

Go to therapy and get some help.
If you think he’s going to cheat try keeping it to yourself and don’t go looking for evidence.

I didnt used to be like this is used to love my job and love our life together. I was so confident in myself.
We have 2 kids and im a SAHM at the moment. I have lost myself and i think I'll loae him because of the way i am.
I do definitely need help i dont know where to start.

Honestly go back to work

My world felt like it shrank to a thimble when I SAH. I'm certainly not saying this us true of others, but for me, it was not great. I over thought everything, worried etc and really, it was because I didnt have my work to keep me happy.

How old are your children? What's the childcare situation if you went to work?

Start with one tiny thing at a time, just 'baby steps'. They add up quicker than you think. You're going to be ok. You could speak to your doctor about getting on a waiting list for counselling. You could 'get your ducks in a row' in case things go tits up. Just in case. Have you got anyone for support - parents, friends?

he's saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this
This, I don't like. But regardless of his views, his mental health, or his behaviour, you and your children will come through. And whatever he does is his doing - he's trying to shift blame onto you but it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

Get counselling, as others have said. Or your constant going on about it will break up the marriage - he’s already mentally exhausted

@DeadoftheMoon

How old are your children? What's the childcare situation if you went to work?

Start with one tiny thing at a time, just 'baby steps'. They add up quicker than you think. You're going to be ok. You could speak to your doctor about getting on a waiting list for counselling. You could 'get your ducks in a row' in case things go tits up. Just in case. Have you got anyone for support - parents, friends?

he's saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this
This, I don't like. But regardless of his views, his mental health, or his behaviour, you and your children will come through. And whatever he does is his doing - he's trying to shift blame onto you but it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

So the OP causing issues in her marriage because she has convinced herself her husband will cheat is her husbands fault and responsibility?