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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to constantly think my husband will cheat?

48 replies

Pushpushpoosh · 15/11/2021 16:22

I am ruining my marriage by worrying constantly that DH will cheat. Weve been married 10 years and hes never strayed or text anyone else or anything i just worry constantly that oneday he will. I dont know why i feel like this. I cant stop thinking it and now hes saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this.

He works in a mainly female enviroment and i think this is what gets to me his workplace friendships with the other women. If he goes on a night out or something i feel absolutely frantic. I really want to change.
I know im being really unfair, but has anyone else ever been in this situation.

I wish so so much i could have the attitude of 'if he does then he does and hes ruined our family' but i cant and i feel so trapped in my own mind.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 15/11/2021 23:01

This, I don't like. But regardless of his views, his mental health, or his behaviour, you and your children will come through. And whatever he does is his doing - he's trying to shift blame onto you but it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

He hasn’t done anything!

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 15/11/2021 23:02

@DeadoftheMoon

How old are your children? What's the childcare situation if you went to work?

Start with one tiny thing at a time, just 'baby steps'. They add up quicker than you think. You're going to be ok. You could speak to your doctor about getting on a waiting list for counselling. You could 'get your ducks in a row' in case things go tits up. Just in case. Have you got anyone for support - parents, friends?

he's saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this
This, I don't like. But regardless of his views, his mental health, or his behaviour, you and your children will come through. And whatever he does is his doing - he's trying to shift blame onto you but it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

But it is op. He has done nothing wrong. He is being work down by op constantly assuming he will cheat.

Op is responsible for her behaviour.

Op, have you had some counselling? What are you actually doing to deal with your jealousy?

Maybe you should go back to work. Get a sense of you beyond the home.

brambleon · 15/11/2021 23:03

I completely get this. I’ve never really witnessed a healthy relationship and there was lots of cheating from multiple people. When I first got with DH I really struggled when we were apart. I got some counselling and since then I do still get the occasional worry but I know now how to deal with that.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2021 23:04

@Pushpushpoosh

I didnt used to be like this is used to love my job and love our life together. I was so confident in myself. We have 2 kids and im a SAHM at the moment. I have lost myself and i think I'll loae him because of the way i am. I do definitely need help i dont know where to start.
It's going to be difficult but perhaps a change of mindset is needed?

You're asking if you're being unreasonable to constantly think your husband will cheat. That is not the biggest problem here.

The biggest problem is you're allowing your problem to become his problem, to the point where you're affecting his mental health.

You can't help what you think but you certainly can help yourself not to voice it.

DeadoftheMoon · 15/11/2021 23:16

It really isn't you, OP.

Simonjt · 15/11/2021 23:17

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
Who is hassling her husband about something he hasn’t done then?
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/11/2021 23:22

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
You aren't helping. People can be paranoid in a relationship without the other person having done a single thing wrong.

You do need some help, OP. This will consume you otherwise Flowers

DismantledKing · 15/11/2021 23:23

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
Projection.
DeadoftheMoon · 15/11/2021 23:26

Believe me, OP. The pile-ons are just out to cause harm. Take the good advice given upthread, and don't accept blame. Good luck.

Keroppi · 15/11/2021 23:35

Kindly, yes, yabvu. Go back to work or self refer for CBT! You can find lots of stuff online. I have anxiety and intrusive thoughts and attack the thoughts with logic and change behaviour to suit, for example

Thought

  • He works with women so he will be tempted away and will cheat

Logic

  • He has never so much as talked to another woman inappropriately
  • Work friends are not real friends
  • Some jobs favour one sex over the other so naturally he will be around more women
  • Women at his work are not seductresses waiting to pounce on a random man they work with
  • You are a married woman, do you want to jump on every man you see and cheat? So why do you expect it of your dh?

Reflection/insight

  • Maybe I am feeling lower in self esteem than usual so I am projecting this onto my dh
  • Have I been cheated on in the past? Family members have been?

Change in behaviour

  • I will journal my anxious feelings and not verbalise them to dh
  • Once a week we will do a date night or snuggle up to each other and connect/massage/whatever
  • When DH is at work or night out and I start to feel frantic I will do x y and z e.g self care (have a bath, turn off phone, read a book, spend time with kids, facemask) or distract (ruthlessly declutter or angry clean to tire myself out lol)
33goingon64 · 15/11/2021 23:43

I used to feel like this about my ex. Then I came off the pill and suddenly I felt miles better. I'd never go back on it now - it turned me into a paranoid wreck. Have you considered it could be something like that?

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2021 23:44

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
Oh stop it.

I know anyone takes a risk posting for advice on the internet but projecting shit like this when it's clearly the OP causing the problem, could be quite damaging, so why are you doing it?

DeadoftheMoon · 16/11/2021 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Cheerbear24 · 16/11/2021 19:05

@Pushpushpoosh

I didnt used to be like this is used to love my job and love our life together. I was so confident in myself. We have 2 kids and im a SAHM at the moment. I have lost myself and i think I'll loae him because of the way i am. I do definitely need help i dont know where to start.
Honestly go back to work!! If you didn’t used to be like this then I think you need to build your own confidence again. Lots of people struggle with loss of confidence when they are a SAHP but you can’t hyper focus on an imaginary issue so much - it’s really unfair on DH.
Chikapu · 16/11/2021 19:11

@DeadoftheMoon

Believe me, OP. The pile-ons are just out to cause harm. Take the good advice given upthread, and don't accept blame. Good luck.
Seriously, what are you talking about? OP is the one constantly going on about her husband cheating when he hasn't done anything wrong. That will wear someone down and it is her fault. They're both, however, responsible for what happens next.
KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 19:16

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
Of course it's OP. She's damaging her husband's mental health by constantly accusing him of doing something he isn't.

If she posted saying her DH does this to her she'd be told she had a husband problem and he was abusive. Amazing how when a woman is clearly and obviously at fault some posters will do anything to STILL place blame on the man.

OP.. counselling might help. Maybe a return to work so you can change your mindset and even up the dynamic.

Butchyrestingface · 16/11/2021 19:23

I cant stop thinking it and now hes saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this.

Your husband can't read your mind. If you were only thinking about it, he'd have no idea. In order for your obsession to be affecting his mental health, you must be badgering him constantly. Sad

potoforchids · 16/11/2021 19:24

@DeadoftheMoon the op has given absolutely no evidence to suggest that her DH has done anything at all. Your posts appear to be in response to things she has not written. You are projecting.

OP, I have been like this in the past. I was an anxious mess about all sorts due to grieving a family member, and it all became focused on my lovely, completely innocent and faithful partner and the possibility that I might lose him.

I had counselling. My counsellor explained that due to not processing the grief properly, I was becoming afraid of losing other things in my life, like my family, and it manifested in me focusing on this.

Could there be something else going on in your life that is affecting you and manifesting like this?

Butchyrestingface · 16/11/2021 19:25

@DeadoftheMoon

It really isn't you, OP.
Dead of the brain, more like.

Still, every thread's gotta have one.

Eleganz · 16/11/2021 19:25

@DeadoftheMoon

How old are your children? What's the childcare situation if you went to work?

Start with one tiny thing at a time, just 'baby steps'. They add up quicker than you think. You're going to be ok. You could speak to your doctor about getting on a waiting list for counselling. You could 'get your ducks in a row' in case things go tits up. Just in case. Have you got anyone for support - parents, friends?

he's saying its affecting his mental health and he doesn't think we can carry on like this
This, I don't like. But regardless of his views, his mental health, or his behaviour, you and your children will come through. And whatever he does is his doing - he's trying to shift blame onto you but it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

Shift blame? By telling someone that they behaviour is harming them and that they need to stop it or the relationship can't continue. Utter rubbish. It is called asserting boundaries. The only way this could be blame shifting is if OPs husband did in fact cheat, something she has freely admitted she has absolutely no evidence of.

OP, you need some professional support as it sounds like you are having some significant issues with anxiety. As some who suffers from GAD this sounds like behaviour I have of I am not in control of my anxiety (obsessing and catastrophising about things).

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 23:08

@DeadoftheMoon

Why should anyone listen to you, Worra? You've been posting hate for years. Stop. Let someone have a view different from your own, and get on with your life, such as it is.
I think the replies to you and your posts on this thread speak for themselves, don't you?
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/11/2021 00:17

What a strange reply @DeadoftheMoon

It quite clearly is the OP at fault

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 17/11/2021 00:23

OP I really think you need to go talk to a therapist about this. You obviously have a very high anxiety on this matter and it is not healthy for you and obviously not good for your other half.

Yes cheating happens, but it is not the statistical norm. It is not normal to live your life in fear of it. Are you highly anxious about other things?

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