if your DC has ASD did you go on to have more children?

[23bumblebee]

DC has ASD with PDA and we are currently discussing having a second. Both are unsure and are concerned that another child might also have ASD - due to the genetic links (lots of ASD in my husband's family so definitely genetic), whether we'd have enough energy for both, what will happen to DC in the future. We dont have anyone to ask in RL but if you did have a child with ASD - did you have any of the same questions, how did you make a decision them?

My middle child has ASD and ADHD. I was pregnant with her younger sister when I first suspected she was different. Her younger sister and older sister are not in the spectrum. In fact they have been a huge blessing to her. No regrets here but it wouldn’t put me off even if all had ASD.

I didn't know my children were neurodiverse (ADHD and ASD) until my youngest was about 7. Absolutely no clues - went back through history with family and teachers, and no-one spotted it.

My eldest at 14 is on anti-depressants and struggling massively to make it through school each day. My son is ok in school but a nightmare at home as he takes out all of the stresses of the day on us. I've recently started seeing signs of OCD and possible ADHD in my middle child.

At the moment we are going through hell (also ND partner), and although I love all my children more than life itself and do not wish them away, if I'd known after no.1 that they were autistic, and how hard it was going to get (and how tricky it was for them to be around each other with conflicting needs) I would have stopped then.

I hope that they will grow up to be fully functioning adults in society, but I think they will always need more support from us than a neuro typical adult. I worry about their futures constantly, as every day is such a trial for them

Yes I did, but my child with ASD’s difficulties didn’t really emerge until secondary school and she didn’t get her diagnosis until 15. I wouldn’t change anything about her tbh, she is amazing, funny, kind, intelligent, brave and unstoppable. It isn’t her who has the problem it’s other people. It wouldn’t have stopped me from having her younger brother, who has not got ASD.

We had dc2 before we got the diagnosis for dc1. We'd planned on having 3, but stopped at 2. Partly because of dc1s needs, but more because dc2 was more demanding than dc1.

I had three DC and was pregnant with my 4th when one of my DC was diagnosed with ASD. We'd always known they were different in various ways and not quite like our other DC but there hadn't been any sort of assessment up until that point as everyone I approached with my concerns just said they were young for their age/highly strung, etc and would grow out of it. During the assessment it was mentioned in passing by the consultant that she'd noticed some issues with one of my other DC that had pinged her radar and we should consider assessment. We went back on the they'll grow out of it/they're highly strung/they're immature merry-go-round until they were also diagnosed.

The consultant who did our assessment told us that the instance of ASD in the general population is 1 in 100, once you have a child with ASD your chances of having another child with the same condition are 1 in 25, once you have more than one child with ASD then it drops to roughly 1 in 4. It was a big factor in us not having a fifth DC and I'm glad of it as DC4 is displaying traits that are probably going to trigger an assessment.

We had our 3 children very close together. DC3 does not have ASD. DC1 and DC2 have ASD and every day is a struggle for them at the moment. They were not diagnosed and we did not suspect anything until I was already pregnant with DC3.

If I had known they had ASD at the time, then I would not have had DC3. But I did have her and I'm so so glad I didn't know about the ASD at the time.

Probably not useful but my 2nd is autistic, but I'm over 40 and that was always my own cut off for having more kids. So I'm not having more. But if I was younger then I would 100% have more, even with the possibility they would be autistic.

To those of you who ended up with multiple kids was it a lot harder because of ASD. As you can tell, I am only just coming to terms with the diagnosis and what it might mean for us going forth

Everyone I know with asd kids have had more. There are some risk factors but even with an increased genetic risk the chance of having a low functioning child is low. Do whatever you feel is best for your family.

My youngest has severe autism and learning disabilities ,he's my second ,I didn't want anymore children anyway and I was 36 when he was born ,but his disabilities are such that it would have been unfair to everyone to have another child ,as always autism is a huge spectrum and affects individuals and families differently.

My DS1 was diagnosed after he had just turned 3. He had loads of appointments for therapies etc and needed a lot of time so we decided to hold off having any more.

By the time he turned 5, he had made great progress, started school and needed less appts so we decided to try for another.

They are now 8 and 2.
8yo has been brilliant with his new brother.
2yo is a slow talker but isnt showing any other signs of autism so were hopeful the speech will come.

There are some risk factors but even with an increased genetic risk the chance of having a low functioning child is low.

This is a good example of why functioning labels are unhelpful.

Autistic people struggle and suffer at various points throughout their lives. It doesn't matter what label you assign their autism, if they are autistic they are autistic. Please let's not minimise autism and suggest anything other than 'low' functions is fine. I often see the 'my DC is autistic and they are lovely' line on here, but to give that 'lovely' that autistic person is struggling.

I did have another child; I didn't know we already had an autistic child at the time though and I didn't know I was autistic either, that would have changed my life entirely. That's not to say I don't love my children, or even that they are not doing well, because they are, but I also know from personal experience how difficult it is to be something that someone else expects, rather then simply 'me'

My middle sister has autism which was evident from very early on. My youngest sister and I don't have it and the two of them are now extremely close as young adults

I would, although mine are too young to tell. I'm autistic myself, so I suppose there is maybe a higher chance of my kids having ASD.

My son has ASD. We where told it was likely when he started nursery at 3 and then officially diagnosed at 4. I’m glad I didn’t have any more children as not sure how I’d manage even if the next one didn’t have ASD. My son is now almost 17 and still requires a lot of care and can’t be on his own etc. He also has severe OCD which is extremely difficult. He doesn’t sleep much at all and therefore neither do I.

I don’t mean that to all sound miserable. I’m happy and like to think he is too, but that’s our reality and I really don’t know how I’d function with any more children to look after!

*I also know a family with two girls, both of whom have severe autism and are in residential care

My youngest is 7 and is non verbal. I was 35 when he was born, he was diagnosed at 2.5. I didn't want any after the age of 35 anyway, but due to my son's difficulties I wouldn't have had another even if I'd have been 25.

My Dc2 has ASD we didn’t want anymore DC but we fell pregnant then sadly had a early miscarriage. DH and I then decided that he should have a vasectomy.

Dc1 is pda and having a second child has been just such the right decision. Dc1 learnt a lot of skills which i think they would have struggled to have acquired in another setting (we home ed too) and they squabble less than a lot of siblings, i think. Dc2 might be autistic but presenting differently. Dc1 is very very protective and at times acts as a third parent which is interesting! 4 years between them, and honestly, feel it was a great decision.

We're a very positive neurodiverse household (from knowing nothing 8 years ago) and I think keeping our life low anxiety makes a huge difference to all of us! If i had one tip, it would be to stop and challenge every thought that starts with "but they have to...do this that or the other".

I did because I didn't know. My son is getting on great at the moment. We know what support he needs, he's happy, he's got a good level of independence for his age. I'm sure we will have some issues at secondary but I'm sure he'll go on to university and get a good job and gave a happy life. I don't think he is necessarily harder to parent than a non autistic kid, as all kids have their issues. I appreciate some autistic kids have much bigger struggles than mine, but I say this to give balance.

It was when I was pregnant with dc 3 I started to suspect something was not developmentally normal with dc 2. DC 1&3 have not got any developmental conditions but once I found out about DC 2 it did weigh heavily on my decision not to have no 4

I have 3 dc with ASD. And a stepchild who is also ASD, so even before I had my first it was a potential factor.

My eldest has severe ASD and learning difficulties. My middle one has moderate ASD, with PDA traits and anxiety. My youngest has moderate ASD and ADHD.

I had the first 2 quite close together (2 years between them), but then a gap as I couldn’t face adding a third when they were 4 and 2. I had my youngest when dc1&2 were 8 and 6, so both at school, and it was like having an only child as it was just dc3 and me all day.

They are 18, 16 and 10 now, and while we of course still have some issues, life is good, and we have a rhythm that works for us.

I have name changed because I am going to be brutally honest and don't want it linked to my regular profile.

My eldest has ASD with a PDA profile. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 10 and siblings existed. If I had known his condition and the extent to which he would struggle with so many people in the house I would have limited it to 1 sibling, potentially none. My eldest really cannot cope with the noise and stimulation that his siblings make. He melts down when he has to spend extended time around them, and his meltdowns have become increasingly violent - to the point that his siblings are afraid of him.

He is noticeably calmer, more positive and doesn't meltdown when they are not around.

I love my younger ones with every bone in my body, but I also know for a fact that my eldest would be in a much better place if they had not come along

But - every child is different. My sons experience may not be relevant to yours. We have serious additional complications in that the dc dad was abusive, at times violent and I left him years ago before dc was diagnosed. I am a single mum with little to no input from dad and this makes a huge difference I think. I am sure if I had had a kind supportive and present partner things would be much better now.

I'm sorry that this is not a very positive post.

To those of you who ended up with multiple kids was it a lot harder because of ASD.

This is so difficult to answer because two autistic children is our normal and we're accustomed to it, we know our DCs needs inside out (and that includes our NT DC) so are well versed in balancing it all. I've never had experience in what it would be like to parent multiple neurotypical children. It's like the age old thing people say when they gasp "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't do it!" when the reality is that you just do do it because there's no option not to. You adapt, you learn, and you get on with it.

My 4th of 5 has asd, diagnosed early at 3.
I actually think having a fair few siblings has smoothed her path greatly. She could tag on to events, without having to actually join in- just to get out. She had gentle constant modelling of interaction with other children. They helped her and she’s part of the pack, sandwiched between socially popular siblings so no one really bothers her bullying wise. I think we are more relaxed about difference too in a way.
I think I’d really struggle with her as an only child. I know it sounds mean but I’d be scared of being a bit trapped in the house and isolated. Also her routines and ways are tempered by the others, alone she may have overwhelmed me. I adore her, don’t get me wrong. But if she was my only experience of parenting it might have cracked me with the stress, I feel it’s easier to cope with more balance in the family.