if your DC has ASD did you go on to have more children?

[23bumblebee]

DC has ASD with PDA and we are currently discussing having a second. Both are unsure and are concerned that another child might also have ASD - due to the genetic links (lots of ASD in my husband's family so definitely genetic), whether we'd have enough energy for both, what will happen to DC in the future. We dont have anyone to ask in RL but if you did have a child with ASD - did you have any of the same questions, how did you make a decision them?

Yes, it's such a leap of faith. Because of DS' PDA - he is actually super sociable and wants lots of kids around. He just cant always handle it or successfully navigate it. So a sibling would both be such a blessing and a curse.

I did reply earlier in the thread, but just to add, I don't think my lad would have liked younger siblings, he doesn't really like his similar aged cousins too much 😬 His older sister is 17 and he just about tolerates her 😂

I have DS 21 and DD 13 both autistic and both diagnosed at about 5. No learning disabilities but some other comorbidities. DS already had his diagnosis when we had DD. They are very different from each other but enjoy each other’s company despite the age difference. DD was particularly aggressive when they were younger particularly with me so maybe if she’d been born first she’d have been an only.
At 21 DS is at a local uni studying something he loves. He has friends and has recently moved out to live in a shared house with them. We did not think this would be achievable for him but right now he seems to be coping and enjoying life. We have a way to go with DD where MH issues leave us walking on egg shells every day. Her brother is a great role model for what life can be like after school though.

I have two DC, both in their teens now. DS has ASD and PDA, DD is NT. They are less than two years apart in age so I didn't know about DS's diagnosis when I got pregnant with DD.

Would I have had a second child if I'd known how things would turn out? It's such a hard question. On a purely selfish level yes, because DD is a very easy child (even by NT standards) and is mainly a joy to parent. But I worry about her SO much. I worry that she has taken on the role of "good girl" in response to having such a difficult older brother, and that this won't serve her well in her adult relationships - I can imagine her being too compliant and always putting her own needs last. I worry that she will grow up hating DS for sucking up so much time and energy and resenting me and DH for pandering to it. We try to be fair, but with one very difficult demanding child and one easy going child and only 24 hours in the day (DH and I both work full time) it's impossible to give her anything like as much attention as DS. I worry that she will have unhappy memories of her childhood, such as feeling scared when DS was having a violent meltdown. I worry about DS too, but somehow less, because the things that could go wrong for him seem more out of my control, whereas with DD I worry that she'll blame me

Our family: DC1 is neurotypical. DC2 has asd/adhd/sensory processing issues and hyper mobility. Her sibling was born just before she was diagnosed. DC3 has asd/adhd/coeliac disease/hyper mobility/learning difficulties and is non talking. I adore her but I honestly wished we’d stuck at two children. Life is very hard and I’m petrified of dying and leaving my children the youngest will never live independently. I don’t ever expect my eldest to become a carer though if something happens. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. We wanted to have a fourth child but decided against it because of the fear of another child with disabilities.

The risk of autistic children increases with each birth so it’s worth being aware this might mean you end up with multiple. I have 2 autistic children and a friend has 4.

@Legoisawesome yes, I am concerned that another child would also have ASD. The risks are higher with every child, I think.

My oldest has ASD with a PDA profile but wasn't diagnosed until she was 8. She was nearly 3 when her sister was born but already a handful. Things were tough as she was a sleep dodging whirlwind who did as she pleased, but also with sensory issues who couldn't cope with a crying baby so the younger one was rather spoilt to keep the peace.

No regrets which is easy to say as the younger one is pretty much NT we think (? dyslexia/dyspraxia). It was seeing DD2's development which made us realise something was up with DD1 and we weren't just shit parents. My two mostly get on well and both have learnt amazing social skills from each other. Glad DH put his foot down about a DC3 though.

Yes I did. My second child also has ASD but more severely so than my first. He is non verbal and goes to a complex needs school.

However, he is an absolute joy and a character. It’s hard. But it’s my normal. Xx

DS2 was born a good while before DS1's ASD became apparent, although I couldn't help but notice I had a very tantrummy toddler.

The toddler years of 2/4 - 3/5 put me off a DC3, and that was the undiagnosed ASD making the "terrible twos" last for years. By the time my body was able to contemplate another pregnancy the age gaps were growing, the worst of the toddler years was easing and I couldn't face resetting over again.

I'm very glad to have DS2. He does a lot of good for DS1. DS1 would probably be more peaceable without a sibling to irritate him and bicker with, but they also have a very loving relationship with a lot of shared interests. DS2 can also push DS1 out of his comfort zone and encourage DS1 to try new things so he isn't outclassed by his pesky younger sibling. DS1 learns a lot from DS2.