To wonder why parents lie on social media?

[saveusernamee]

It’s rife, maybe I live/have lived under a rock.

Only recently noticing however that all these cutesy pictures of babies and children and cute captions, having me looking at them thinking how have I lucked out so badly with how difficult I find child rearing?

Then you message them privately and it all pours out, all the same crap you’re going through. Why not say ‘this was the only time my child smiled today so I took a picture’ why say ‘the bestest, most magical day with my precious little smiler’ ?

Every time I post something realistic literally nobody, or maybe an adorning aunt/grand parent engages with it but you post a photo of essentially a lie and everyone and their dog engages. Why?

It depends how you use social media though doesn't it!? I see it as the online form of going to visit relatives armed with your Kodak prints 🤣 So just like the photos I got back in the post in the old days, I only tend to take pictures of the good moments, and sometimes the comedy ones. Happy memories are what I want to have a photo record of. That hasn't changed with social media.
So I might appear to be 'glossing' my life, but if that's the case then I also did it with printed photos back in the day. SM is not to blame.

Then you message them privately and it all pours out, all the same crap you’re going through.

Out of interest, does it 'all pour out' when you tell them you're struggling first? Because in my experience how positive people (including me) are about any aspect of their life depends on how the tone is set by the other person first. It's a rare (and insensitive!) person who replies to someone moaning about their own children with 'oh really, well I'm loving this stage and we had a lovely day!'. The truth is probably somewhere between the social media glossiness and the private message whinging.

Haha no that would be tragic swonderswoman we chatted before the photo for that particular example. Again, I don’t expect people to share tantrums nor do I. The child needs care during that time not a camera.

Some posters are getting it with the #blessed stuff, when you already know that’s not what they think/feel.

Yes I have posted a photo of a double chin, but that misses the point again. It’s the captions and the framing. Not what is in the image.

It isn't to do with social media, but it is socialisation.

As pp said - if you look back at our photo albums from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and thought that represented out lives, you'd be very confused. I only have photos of us on holiday (and then only on the sunny days) or at birthday parties or special get togethers / special occasions. I can assure you I didn't spend my life doing all those things. Social media had magnified it as you get to see so many more photos. Since people always have a camera with them (on their phones), then millions more photos are taken and quite a lot are shared, and you get to see the photos of everyone you are 'friends' with on SM, unlike back in the day when you'd have to meet up with someone who happened to have just got some photos developed, to be able to see them.

Also as a pp said, there is something pretty odd about sharing a picture of a child having a tantrum, or being ill or crying for another reason.

Agree with the wedding comparison too - same with a big birthday etc - you'll invite 80 to the party, but, if you were going through a really rough patch in your marriage, you wouldn't phone up all 80 and talk to them about it, you'd call your close confidant.

It's nothing to do with 'parents' - it is 'people' and is the same in real life. It will be the same when you put your child's photo up as they graduate from University, but probably not if they drop out part way through and so on and so on and so on. It is showing some compassion for people going through a bad time.

As an aside it’s not like you’re slagging your kids off by sharing that sometimes it can be tough because it’s not them personally that is difficult it’s the situation/parenting itself that is difficult (or was difficult for that particular moment!).

Also I wouldn't 'slag off' my children on social media any more than I would my husband or my mum, so I wouldn't post a picture of any of them smiling where I captioned it to point out that they'd otherwise been grumpy that day!

@Hardbackwriter

Also I wouldn't 'slag off' my children on social media any more than I would my husband or my mum, so I wouldn't post a picture of any of them smiling where I captioned it to point out that they'd otherwise been grumpy that day!

This. It would feel very unpleasant to me to caption a nice photo of them with a complaint or criticism.

I don’t tent to post captions that we’ve had a perfect day or whatever, normally just a brief explanation of where we are or what we are doing.

That was a cross-post, but I really don't agree that it isn't 'slagging off' your children to say you're finding them really hard work or whatever. I suspect that if your partner started posting on social media that 'long term relationships are such hard work, especially when you've got kids, it can really get you down' you'd very much feel that that was about you not simply the situation, and that's actually a lot less targeted than if he put up a picture of you smiling saying 'first time she's smiled today'.

I have a friend who moans about her teen daughter on fb but never over her teen son. And I am 100% sure he is no angel.

The thing is, the friend is doing it to gain sympathy (“I am the poor mum with such an ungrateful daughter”) and I so much prefer her posting funny pictures from her son.

The issue is, the girl is absolutely nice, normal teen, driving parents bonkers as most teen do. She can’t get over that said ten is not always following mummy anymore.

You never know what is behind a person’s social media posts.

I’ve come to realise, especially through MN, that people have a different relationship to the truth than I do. I value honesty and authenticity in all relationships, even if that means things aren’t always positive. But other people like the comfort of denial, fakery and pretentiousness. They like the ego boost they get from the ticks and the likes, even if it’s all a lie.

I can see that as well as honesty, you also really value humility...

I don't know OP, I sort of find the opposite in terms of the engagement! I don't post on social media personally so this is just what I've seen from observing others but the friend of mine who I would say gets the most engagement posts very regularly about all the tough stuff going on in her life. She's funny and that helps - I suppose it's like all those hurrah for gin types? Equally another friend recently posting about her previously well hidden mental health difficulties got LOADS of support (and quite rightly).

My friends might also not be representative as I can't relate to a lot of what I read on here about social media (eg I don't know anyone who posts relentless elf on the shelf stuff, piles of birthday/Christmas presents etc, which seem to be general MN bugbears...) As for the example in your original post, I tend to veer away from people like that, but when someone is like that I can only assume it's because they don't have much self confidence and need the assurances from others.

@Ionlydomassiveones

I’ve come to realise, especially through MN, that people have a different relationship to the truth than I do. I value honesty and authenticity in all relationships, even if that means things aren’t always positive. But other people like the comfort of denial, fakery and pretentiousness. They like the ego boost they get from the ticks and the likes, even if it’s all a lie.

The Facebook braggers I know are all quite accomplished and charismatic people IRL. They have no reason to be anything other than themselves and they would still get likes because they are likeable - just as their ordinary selves. In fact I’d go so far as to say that it’s when they’re being a bit moany and down to earth is when they are at their most likeable, funny and empathetic. Yet they still post cheesy fake crap (I know because other bewildered people show me). Everyone knows it’s attention seeking knobbery so just why? It just makes me think they must be missing something deep in themselves to crave that validation.

To thine own self be true.

Let me guess, do you also “tell it like it is”?

No one wants to engage with the shitty parts of someone else's life on social media. Most people want it to be a positive place.

Oooo hardbackwriter you’re talking my language, I like it. That makes so much sense

@Chikapu

No one wants to engage with the shitty parts of someone else's life on social media. Most people want it to be a positive place.

This is true

Then again they’re literally called ‘terrible twos’ so assuming majority of people find it a terrible experience to parent someone who is temporarily unable to be reasonable or rational it is very much about ‘parenting’ rather than the child?

OP I don't know if you're married but if you are, can you imagine your husband posting a photo of you without your permission, and saying "This is the first time she's smiled today"?

I'm making light of it but to be honest, I think people should just keep their kids photos off the internet until they're old enough to make their own decisions.

There is an element of not wanting to slag off/criticise. Or air dirty laundry.
I would post a photo of me & DH dressed up for a night out with “date night” or “loved seeing xyz comedian on our rare child free night”
I wouldn’t caption it “Ben and I have been barely talking recently after his inappropriate friendship with a woman at work, so it was really good to spend an evening together”
That’s a phone call to have with my best friend or sister, not a social media post that my mother in law will see!
Similarly a photo of child winning an award at school “so proud” I wouldn’t feel the need to add “I’ve been in tears over his behaviour at school recently, Head teacher called me three times last week”. No one else needs to know.

It’s your friends - though I’m sure they’re not unusual.
Most of my friends post positive things, no wonder that’s what they want to share.
But they don’t lie - they’re just as likely to post a comment revealing that the positive is unusual.

My cousin posted a photo of her dog, and someone said “how is your house so tidy?”
She replied, “mate, I bundled the crap to the end of the sofa so as not to ruin the cute dog pic” - and posted a picture of snoozy dog in funny position from a new angle, complete with said piles of crap.

Eh? I can't see how posting a balanced view is what people want to see or what anyone would want to show.

"Look, here's my kid in a bad mood and crying because I'm making him pasta instead of ice cream."

"Here is a phot of the bags under my eyes. I know you're all wanting to see that"

"Look at Bob's lump where his brother Bill hit him because he kept touching his arm"

That said, parenting IS easy, I have never minded getting up 10 times in a night cuddling a crying newborn, being a mum IS fun and I thoroughly enjoy every second of it. My kids don't tantrum and all the children get along great. They're fast friends and there's constant laughter in our house.

Everyone's life is different. Every child and family is different. Some don't suck at all. Sorry.

I don't post it on SM but if I did I wouldn't lie and add fake bad bits in too.

It's easy to say stop using it, and hard to do. But if your relationship with social is toxic (and it sounds like it is) then bailing out is always going to be better.

I stopped using SM a long time ago. It’s like everyone is competing for a crown - the best parent, the best holiday, the best social life, the kindest person of the year etc. I find no one is very honest on there. I used to find it strange bumping into some people on my “friends” list and some just walked passed and others looked NOTHING like their eternally youthful doctored selfies. I found SM was getting more and more fake. I think some people use it as an escape from their reality. Also for some maybe it helps them to feel a bit more positive about their lives by reframing their day and only focusing on the good moments of the day.