Controlling mother in law

TotallySuper · 15/11/2021 13:16

What's the toy? Just say, we won't feel judged but it might help me make up my mind on the situation.

Pumpkinsonparade · 15/11/2021 13:18

Please make sure that one item gets to a charity shop pronto. I bet mil will be desperate to use it...
Next time she huffs and puffs ask her if she is OK. That she looks a bit red in the face... Call her out op. When I had my ds my then mil was quick to decide that ds would be eating meat when she had him.
So she didn't have him. Not that she bothered with him once sil had a dc a year later anyway... Let her mumble on op. Added fuel that you do right making YOUR choices for your dc
..

Original poster

RaimbowMama · 15/11/2021 13:22

I'm glad someone else has felt the mother in law fire. That's a perfect point, we are vegetarian and the little one will be too so Im dreading that convo coming up, another silly battle. The charity shop idea I defo like

OP posts:

kit47 · 15/11/2021 13:25

It's up to you, if she's generally supportive and you can deal with this, let it go. Otherwise, if it was me and it was really bothering I would send a message - with your partner's support too as if she moans to him you want him to back you up.
Hi X,
Just wanted to message regarding a few things. Our relationship is important to me, as is your relationship with my son so I think it's best if I set my boundaries so we can move on. As a mum yourself, I'm sure you know how hard it is to 'do the right thing' and the constant pressure and feelings of judgement - I'm sure you don't mean to do this but it hurts me.
Please could you stop discussing breast feeding with me and making judgement over the 'right time' to stop. It's personal to me and my child and not something I am comfortable with you asking me about as I feel judged.
Also, if I make a decision regarding my son (like the x toy), please respect and support this as much as possible. It will make everything easier for everyone if we can be respectful and understanding of personal choices.
I really appreciate all your support - please don't get me wrong the above issues I have are only small compared to the support you give us! I know you're a kind person and am certain you haven't meant to upset me but I am finding it tough. I want to move on with our relationship so please let me know if you'll be on board with this?
Thank you so much

RabitWhole · 15/11/2021 13:26

Is the toy a walker? I have read lots of articles about how actually they can be damaging to hips and joints, and delaying natural walking. They are actually banned in Canada I think?

Anyway... that's besides the point. You need to be setting firm boundaries here. Point out to MIL that WHO advice is that babies are breastfeed until two in an ideal world, and that actually at 7 months he is still getting all his nutrients from breastmilk. Is she saying you should be stopping and going onto formula? Because he will need to replace every breastmilk feed with formula feed at 7 months- maybe suggest if she pays for all the formula, bottles and equipment needed, then maybe you' consider it. That should shut her up!

What does your DH think, where is he in all this? Sounds like he needs to step up and have a conversation with his mother, if you've tried and its falling on deaf ears!

Sundancerintherain · 15/11/2021 13:29

I bet it's a baby walker.
Your DH needs to step in and explain that you are the parents, not her.

Pumpkinsonparade · 15/11/2021 13:33

Isn't it funny how there is no nagging at the ds's in all these threads? Always the dil! Mil never quizzed her precious ds about ds eating meat or being a huge baby!! Digs always came my way!

ReggaetonLente · 15/11/2021 13:34

Thing is, and I say this from experience, you can send as many polite, well researched messages as you like, but she treats you like this because she thinks you won't stand up to her. She doesn't care about your opinions or feelings, so why waste time explaining to her? Just say no, he won't be using that toy, I'll take it now please. He's breastfed, I'll do it as long as I want. I don't want him to eat meat, don't feed it to him. No discussions.

Stand up to her, pronto. Show her you won't be bossed around. These people don't care about being rude to others, be bloody rude back to her. If she stops talking to you, fantastic, decision made for you.

Original poster

RaimbowMama · 15/11/2021 13:35

I'll share what the item is but please no one feel judged if it's something you use it's your baby your choice. She has been given a bumbo and sits him on kitchen work top in it and it makes me cringe as theirs mo staps on it and it's not secure to the worktop. I've bought them a highchair to use at theirs and little one loves it so there's no need for the bumbo to be used. He isn't going around alone until I know that he isn't going to be sat in it again on a high surface, just doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 15/11/2021 13:36

Mil: "Baby is too old for breastmilk"
You: "no he's not"

Mil: "baby should be doing this."
You: "no he shouldn't"

Mil: "you need to do X"
You: "I will not be doing that"

Does baby have to be left with MIL at all? I'd be trying to avoid her having unsupervised time with him until she can respect your wishes.

I also agree about getting rid of the toy you don't want him playing with, it'll be the first thing she gives him as soon as you leave.

neededafart · 15/11/2021 13:36

Is it a big toy, like a baby walker?

A smaller toy i would have prob accepted and taken to charity shop. But a larger item i would have explained my reasons.

regardless, your baby, your decisions

neededafart · 15/11/2021 13:37

Oh God. the dreaded bumbo.

I had one and it was awful!

ReggaetonLente · 15/11/2021 13:39

Ahhh my brother did exactly the same with his baby and I also inwardly cringed!

But I didn't say anything because it's not my place, and I understand that good relations amongst adults relies on me knowing when to keep my mouth shut. As do you, by the tactful way you've told us about the bumbo.

The only person not doing this is mil!

Cherrysoup · 15/11/2021 13:40

I would get your dh to have serious words regarding her lectures about breastfeeding/the bumbo. If she can’t respect your rules, she doesn’t get contact with your child. I certainly wouldn’t be bothering to go round there.

Catchafallingstar15 · 15/11/2021 13:42

Take that bumbo away ASAP! There’s one thing using it sat on the floor with the adults undivided attention (still not recommended as puts strain on a baby’s hips and body to sit up before they are naturally ready) but then using it on a high surface is just taking the ***! So incredibly dangerous.

I think you’re being very calm under the circumstances.

My MIL has tried to be controlling as soon as I had DC. You have to push back every time. It’s exhausting and I’m sorry you have to do it. You’d hope that a loving adult would see sense. But sadly, they don’t.

You can do it. It’s like a muscle. Train yourself to say NO. You don’t even have to explain yourself. Xxxx

SaturdaySummer · 15/11/2021 13:51

@RaimbowMama

Hi all, Need abit of support. I'm a first time Mum and loving my maternity leave with my new baby boy. My other halves family live in same village and we all get on great.

However my mother in law has started to be controlling and constantly tells me what "I'm doing wrong". For example I'm breast feeding and now I've reached 7 months doing it she's constantly asking when I'm stopping. When I express milk for when my partner has little one the mother in law moans that little one is too old for them. I just don't see it as any of her business and I often firmly but kindly say it's my choice but it's not sinking in. I trust her with little one and she has time alone with him for walks and play time, but when I go to pick h up I feel drained from the lectures she gives. I'm about to explode at her and I'm the calmest person.
The last time I went over her neighbour has given her some hand me down toys and baby equipment, all lovely gestures which I'm grateful for. However one of the items is something me and other half don't feel comfy baby using (don't want to mention incase I offend other parents, each to their own etc). I said how lovely the offer was but could we not use just that one thing and she huffed and rolled her eyes at me and said she's still going to use it. Later I sent a nice message linked to an article explaining why I don't like the particular toy et, kisses on end of text and smiles so it read kindly. And she's ignored me.

I feel so stuck. I don't want to fall out with her but I'm not been dictated to and ignored. Im a laid back mum who wants my child to spend time and love his family but this is causing a massive barrier to me going over.
Anyone else is similar situation?

Honestly I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but you need to nip it in the bud now or you will continue to have these 'battles' In The future. Your baby means your boundaries and if MiL can't accept this then you're just going to worry the whole Time your baby is with her about what she is doing so I would not be sending baby back until she is fully on board and can be trusted. A bumbo on a worktop is very unsafe and I thought this would be common sense. I don't know what her problem is. You're the mum and you need to advocate for Your baby so the sooner you speak up, the better. It's scary but worth it in the long run. Best of luck

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 13:55

Mil, we have different parenting opinions and that’s fine. But this is my baby, and my choice. Can you kindly respect my wishes from now on, otherwise things will have to change and you won’t be allowed x alone anymore.

There’s no way in hell I’d allow anyone to put my child in a bumbo on a kitchen counter.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 13:57

‘
I feel so stuck. I don't want to fall out with her but I'm not been dictated to and ignored’

^
You need to sadly remind her that it’s your child and your parenting preferences should be respected at all times. Failure to do that has consequences for her sadly.

Original poster

RaimbowMama · 15/11/2021 14:00

Thank you to everyone I already feel more geared up to have words.

For abit of context I am not in contact with my homaphobic family and walked away from them to get on with my happy life years ago, so my wife's family mean world to me so that's why I'm apprehensive and sad that I even had to have these discussions.

I'm very calm but can be a fiery person when needed. I shouted at her outside IKEA when little one was a month old as she told me off for wanting to go back to the car to nurse when little one got hungry "Just carry on shopping he doesnt rule you, other people get on with their day with babies". Told her where to go and she apologised but it's all coming back. Think I need to just let her have it again.

OP posts:

Jubaju · 15/11/2021 14:10

A 7month old in a bumbo on the work surface. Omg. That’s ridiculously dangerous and I wouldn’t let her look after my child if she did that once let alone saying she’s going to carry on doing it.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 14:14

I think that changes things somewhat op. Especially if you birthed the baby and have a biological tie that your wife doesn’t.
It couldn’t be your MIL trying to push her way in even though there’s no need iyswim.

Original poster

RaimbowMama · 15/11/2021 14:17

I carried my wife's egg so it's her biological baba :)

OP posts:

Pumpkinsonparade · 15/11/2021 14:19

Sometimes letting rip is the only way. Ils wanted me to let SN sil(about 8) take ds round the streets in his pram. Mm think not. Offered her a buggy to put her dolls in... Not good enough.. She had ds in the hallway playing. Hadn't noticed she had closed the door.. She let him climb a few stairs holding some skipping ropes... Ds tumbled down entangled.. I wasn't happy and said so. Ils went mad. At me!! Never let sil take ds out of my sight after that. Funny when older sil had a dc they made no fuss she couldn't have her baby unsupervised.. Your baby and you keep it safe whatever the fuss made.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 14:21

So she may feel she has more right to an opinion than you?
I’m not saying that’s right obviously but that could explain her behaviour and rudeness to you.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 14:22

You definitely need to have a discussion though.
Could it come from your wife to her mum?