Controlling mother in law

[RaimbowMama]

Hi all,
Need abit of support. I'm a first time Mum and loving my maternity leave with my new baby boy. My other halves family live in same village and we all get on great.

However my mother in law has started to be controlling and constantly tells me what "I'm doing wrong". For example I'm breast feeding and now I've reached 7 months doing it she's constantly asking when I'm stopping. When I express milk for when my partner has little one the mother in law moans that little one is too old for them. I just don't see it as any of her business and I often firmly but kindly say it's my choice but it's not sinking in. I trust her with little one and she has time alone with him for walks and play time, but when I go to pick h up I feel drained from the lectures she gives. I'm about to explode at her and I'm the calmest person.
The last time I went over her neighbour has given her some hand me down toys and baby equipment, all lovely gestures which I'm grateful for. However one of the items is something me and other half don't feel comfy baby using (don't want to mention incase I offend other parents, each to their own etc). I said how lovely the offer was but could we not use just that one thing and she huffed and rolled her eyes at me and said she's still going to use it. Later I sent a nice message linked to an article explaining why I don't like the particular toy et, kisses on end of text and smiles so it read kindly. And she's ignored me.

I feel so stuck. I don't want to fall out with her but I'm not been dictated to and ignored. Im a laid back mum who wants my child to spend time and love his family but this is causing a massive barrier to me going over.
Anyone else is similar situation?

You're absolutely right not to allow a bumbo to be used in that way.

Your mil needs boundaries but it shouldn't be your job to do it. She almost seems provocative, as if she's pushing for a struggle she can win. Her son needs to tell her firmly to stand down. She's in a fortunate position and she looks like she's going to spoil her own happiness.

Just read the update, sorry!!

Advice doesn't change essentially.

I do think she doesn't see you as a proper parent.

I don't think who ever is the biological parent and who carroed the baby etc is relevant to this particular MIL issue. The baby is yours and your wolves. The decision is solely down to you.

Wife's. !! So sorry no idea how that changes to wolves !

Do not let the local wolf pack make you parenting decisions!

Omg. My child has a gifted bumbo very rarely it’s used but when his sitting in it he can easily get himself out of it, (without hurting himself) but no way would I of ever put it on the worktop. That’s nuts

You’re being too nice. You don’t need to be sending her articles and texts with kisses on the end to nicely justify why you’ve chosen not to use a specific product with your child.

I’m not saying be unkind, but start being firmer.

“ I don’t want to hear your opinion on how I feed my child. If you continue I will leave”
“ if you are planning to use the bumbo when I have specifically explained the safety issues, then we can’t leave our baby with you”

This woman needs boundaries.

It’ll be hard and awkward but if you don’t do it now she will be undermining you as the child grows, it’ll be a lot harder when the child understands what is being said too.

My son fell out of his bumbo (on the carpet) multiple times - and he was a chubby baby whose legs fitted well into the spaces. He worked out that he could lean backwards, tip out and escape. There is NO WAY she should have the baby on a work surface in one! If she isn’t respectful of your wishes, then your job is to protect your child. Don’t let her look after him. I didn’t let my MIL look after my kids due to some low level but potentially dangerous stuff that she did. I just didn’t trust her to keep my kids safe, and ultimately that is your primary objective as a parent.

Memorise the WHO guidelines about breastfeeding until 2 and then quote it to MIL word for word every time the topic comes up, she'll get the message loud and clear!

With regard to the bumbo, she either gets rid of it or she does not look after your child alone. Simple. Regardless of people's views on bumbo and hip/spine issues, putting the baby in it on a raised surface is not acceptable.

@RaimbowMama

I'll share what the item is but please no one feel judged if it's something you use it's your baby your choice. She has been given a bumbo and sits him on kitchen work top in it and it makes me cringe as theirs mo staps on it and it's not secure to the worktop. I've bought them a highchair to use at theirs and little one loves it so there's no need for the bumbo to be used. He isn't going around alone until I know that he isn't going to be sat in it again on a high surface, just doesn't sit right with me.

I thought it might have been a Bumbo. I caused a full scale family row that still isn’t resolved by point blank refusing to use one for my DS.

@raimbowmama this was me 7 years ago except it was my own mother. I had to firmly point out that advice had altered since she had babies and I was perfectly capable of making decisions based on current recommendations.

The bumbo...if baby can sit unaided then I can't see the issue in it being used without straps but on the floor, never on a table or surface.

Suggest she Google Bumbo safety and tells you what she finds...

Link to Bumbo instruction manual:
prodreg.bumbousa.com/bumbo-instruction-manuals.html

Print out to show her.

You'll notice it's called a "Bumbo FLOOR seat".

You are doing a fantastic job....she's the person with the problem....I had a mother in law like this and it made me extremely unwell with pnd ....she was a nightmare....tell her to fuck the fuck off and leave you alone...fucking bully 😡

Bloody hell!

I have never heard of a bumbo. Had to Google it.

The thought of a baby sat in one on a kitchen work top made my blood run cold.

She wouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to any child of mine if she thought it safe to leave a baby on a work top.
I also suspect she's doing it to make some sort of point.
To put your precious grandchild in danger to make a point about who is in control is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Thank you everyone it's really helped hearing all the support. I've talked to my wife and explained how I feel and she understands and is going to set boundaries with her this week. Little one won't be going around alone anymore for forseable future till she appreciates how lucky she is to have him and not cause dangerous situations over control.

Brilliant update op. I hope all gos well!

Update: The mother in law ignored my polite text for over a week. Wife went over to have words (she's fiery) within an hour I had a text from mother in law saying chair would be going to charity shop. So thats a small win. I'm not going to let her have him till she's started to listen more and wife agrees, so a win all around guys

Bloody good for you OP. Well done all round.

You need to be honest and straightforward with her or the tension will keep building up.

I have said things like, "you're the grandma, your job is to love him. Leave the parenting to us."

"We aren't planning to stop breastfeeding anytime soon. We're following all the latest guidance and most up-to-date recommendations"

"That isn't something i want to discuss, we've made up our minds about that"

Etc.

Be respectful but firm. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. It's going to be a long relationship, start it off on the right foot.