To think working women shouldn't have to split 50/50 when divorcing?

[threeisacharm18]

I've name changed for this.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving my man-child of a husband. We have 2 kids, I'm the bread winner, work full time , paid 150k house deposit and do almost all housework, sorting out the kids, home admin etc... DH only ever does things if I ask him to. He's not proactive. Never takes the kids anywhere unless I point him to things to do or book it.

As I think about leaving him I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50 when he has never brought 50% to the table.

Why should working mothers have to be short-changed in marriage and in divorce?

Back when men were the breadwinners you could argue the wives' compensation was a husband who took care of the money. These days it feels like women put in 80-90% and equality upon split favours the partner.

AIBU in thinking this? And if not, how do women in this scenario protect themselves ?

By not getting married.

Why would he get 50/50? I assume you've seen a solicitor?

As I think about leaving her I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50 when she has never brought 50% to the table.

Why should working fathers have to be short-changed in marriage and in divorce?

Is it not more about the children than your husband? Ie what's best for them. Not him?

If he has 50% custody of the children he’ll have to proactively do all that shot he’s leaving to you. Win-win.

I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50

There's no firm rule that either the assets or the children's time would be split 50:50. It depends on the circumstances and whether there are good reasons for a different split in the particular situation. If you are serious I would start by paying to see a solicitor to get an idea of where you stand.

Anyone (man or woman) should make an informed decision about whether to legally bind their assets and finances by getting married, or choosing to cohabit without marriage in order to remain legally separate.

I'd say the same when people complain about not being entitled to their DP's house/pension when they've opted to be a SAHP too and complain that people should have dibs on their partner's assets automatically after cohabiting for so long.

If any adult wishes to remain legally separate and maintain their financial independence then don't get married. Don't get married, legally bind your affairs and then think that the legally joining stuff shouldn't apply

Also, there's nothing saying things have to be split 50/50 automatically. You need legal advice about the details of your situation.

You have no idea what the split would be unless you take legal advice and follow the process through. 50/50 may be the starting point, but many couples end up at a very different split.

However, I agree with the previous poster who said "By not getting married" (although I would modify it and say "By not getting married to a man who doesn't bring anything to the partnership"). You chose to link yourself legally and financially to a complete waster. Think of it as a life lesson learned - marriage is fundamentally a legal contract, not just a white dress and a party.

It's not the laws responsibility to redress imbalance in a relationship you've chosen to be in and to maintain.

They can only do their best after the split looking at all facts on both sides.
50/50 is the starting point, and so it should be, if it wasn't and they favoured the person who 'put more in' there would be scores of house wives in even more precarious positions than they already are.

@BillMasen

As I think about leaving her I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50 when she has never brought 50% to the table.

Why should working fathers have to be short-changed in marriage and in divorce?

Oh come now, the vast majority of women, working or not, still have to carry the mental load, organising the home, dealing with the kids, doing the housework and cooking. The OP herself says that not only did she do all the earning, but she did most of the SAHP work too.

That's the risk you take when you get married.

@BillMasen

As I think about leaving her I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50 when she has never brought 50% to the table.

Why should working fathers have to be short-changed in marriage and in divorce?

You've missed the point. The point is that he doesn't do anything at home either. OP's life would most likely be easier without her husband, as he beings basically nothing to the partnership in either time or money, so why should he get 50% of the time with the kids and 50% of the money?

Agree with the poster saying don't get married. But we are where we are. I will take legal advice . Unfortunately I'm 37 weeks pregnant again and feel trapped in this relationship. The future looks bleak to me. I know we should communicate and get partners to do more, but why should I have to write out a list of things to do? I don't want to be the project manager of a household! That in itself is a mental load I hate carrying.

But you got pregnant again knowing what he was like

OP, regardless of the split you or he will get, you are better off out of this relationship.

I believe that the 50/50 split is merely the starting point and if you had to go to Court, it would decide what would be a fair division of assets all the details considered and what is in the best interest of the children of the marriage. It sounds like you need to a solicitor who can put your case forward in a way that you want within what is legally possible.

BillMasen

As I think about leaving her I'm increasingly annoyed at the idea of splitting custody and the assets 50/50 when she has never brought 50% to the table.

Why should working fathers have to be short-changed in marriage and in divorce?

Totally agree with you if the working father was also doing the majority of the housework and the childcare and the other parent, presumably the mother in this example, was doing relatively little as the OP seems to be suggesting is the case in her marriage.

As others have said, it's not definite 50/50, depends on a lot of things.

However, I do also agree, it's a choice you make when you choose to get married.

If you wanted your deposit etc back in the event of a divorce, it should have been in writing before getting married

If you got 50/50 custody then if he doesn’t have any income then he could very well receive more than you in terms of the finances to redress the balance for housing any children under 18. This is why many higher earners wait until kids are older before leaving.

Marriage wasn't a good choice for you and your situation - particularly because you chose poorly and continued getting pregnant - but that doesn't mean women in general do badly out of divorce.

Even now that spousal maintenance is relatively rare, a lot of women do much better out of divorce than they would have done if they hadn't got married.

If you are a female breadwinner and bring the capital it’s crazy to get married and I would never recommend a woman in this position do this.

Marriage is designed as insurance for a woman (or occasionally, man) who chooses to stop working.

It was not designed to facilitate a situation where women bring home the bacon and also do 90% of the childcare, housework and life admin. Which many female breadwinners do.

It’s a lose/lose if you have your own money.

Too late now but why on earth are you on baby number 3 if you feel like this, he hasn't just become a man child, you have facilitated this, will you be happy if he only has dc eow? You still won't be getting a break and it will still be you doing, everything.

I was in your position.
Financially we did a clean break 50/50 but I bought him out of the home so have that as my ongoing asset.
Despite his stupid threats for residency, once he realised that there was more to raising children than taking them on bike rides the novelty wore off.
DS1 is an adult now, but DS2 lives with me full time (there is a history of emotional abuse).

By the songs if it ugh a new baby on the way, a full time job and two other children, you’ll need all the help you can get!