I want to run away I can't take any more

[123sunshine]

As the titles says I am at the end of my teather and seriously want to just get on a plane and run away from my family, I guess that would be unreasonable?!? My family feels really broken, I am angry/sad all the time, in conflict almost daily with either my husband (second marriage and not the father to my children) or one of my teenagers.
The last few days for me have involved, heart to heart with my daughter 15, she' not always easy, but bottom line is she's making waves that she doesn't enjoy stepdads company and he's a big problem in the house, they've been rubbing each other the wrong way for some time and clearly resentment has built, I think she would like me to end the marriage. Run in with my son 16 over college homework this morning, I lost my rag really quickly, the argument escalated, he swore at me, I got crosser, detals are irrelevant, but he went into college in tears and I went off to work in tears. I didn't help the situation my temper isn't great and I went from zero to a hundred in about 3 seconds and shouldn't have reacted how I did, it wasnlt helpful. There is a back story, I had a dreadful time with him in lockdown and much damage was done to our relationship and the whole family, his mental health spiralled, things had been so much better the last few months, but if im honest I still feel very damaged by everything that went on.
My relationship with husband feels like its hanging on by a thread, he loves me very much and I do love him, but we've been through so much the last couple of years and I am done with all the household tension. There is so much conflict and resentment and anger brimming under the surface in our family just wating to explode out. I am like the glue trying hard to fix everything and hold everything together, but everything I do is wrong and I can't fix everything. I am stressed all the time (I also have a stressful job full time running a business) and I guess as I am so stressed all the time i'm probably horrible to be around. I could write so much more but, the post would go on forever.
Anyone else ever feel like they've just had enough and want to run away from it all?

Would family counselling be an option. This all sounds very very difficult but not at a final end point where all is lost.

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice, I haven't been in this situation before but it sounds stressful for all of you and I can see why you feel as you do. Hopefully someone will post with some advice soon.

I took ages to write that, didn't see that @pompomsgalore had already posted! 🙂

@pompomsgalore

Would family counselling be an option. This all sounds very very difficult but not at a final end point where all is lost.

Yes that could welll be something to explore, thank you for the suggestion. All of us at different points of our lives, kids included have done individual couselling, so family counselling could work, its not unfamiliar territory.

What is the issue between your dd and dh? What’s going on there? That seems a huge part of it all.

@Bagelsandbrie

What is the issue between your dd and dh? What’s going on there? That seems a huge part of it all.

The relationship started off well for the first few years but has deteriorated. He doesn't get involved in discipling the kids (my choice) but on the occasion he does voice an oppinion it doesn't go down well. His demeanour can be a bit stern, he's not a gushy kind of man, she feels he doenlt care about her or her brother. Due to conflicts he has withdrawn more and tends to just stay quiet and not engage in family conversations due to fear of saying something wrong, I think this is more damaging as she interpruts it as he doesn't care about her and her brother. A recent example she has raised about being unhappy with him was whilst on holiday we were all gently poking fun at my son about something, in good nature. However she told me afterwards that she doesn't like the way that he spoke about her brother, this is a reoccuring theme. If we hare having some family banter, if he chips in he is in the wrong.

I would ask him to move out for a while, and see how you feel once he has gone. If the tension genuinely lifts and things are easier you have your answer. If they continue as your teens are the source, you will also have your answer. I have a good marriage and teenagers and we regularly disagree on how to handle the problems we face on a weekly basis as we navigate unchartered waters.

Your children will move out/go to uni soon, so if you love your dh I would not rush to end the marriage, as you are likely to end up on your own and very lonely, but I would evaluate how things can be improved - what can you do now to lower the tension?

Sixteen year old needs to be responsible for their own homework, so don't get involved. To a certain degree I have taken one giant step backwards, and I do not micromanage my teens. They come to me with the big stuff, the homework the teachers can deal with, ditto for the make up and short skirt. I get involved when I absolutely have to.

What are you doing as a family that is fun? Theme parks, cinema films, games night. Look and see if there is fun to balance the misery?

PS all gently poking fun at my son about something
Never poke fun at a teen, they are highly sensitive and likely to take it the wrong way. Kid gloves, being playful goes down like a cup of cold sick with my two, they immediately get offended.

I also had a feeling of ‘wanting to run away’ during a period of time trying to deal with the terminal illnesses, death of family members, abuse disclosures and court cases plus other family issues. This also then turned into ‘wanting to drive my car off a road’. You did not say whether or not you’d see your doctor, but ‘wanting to run away’ is a symptom of stress (flight and flight response).

Would you be willing to see your doctor? It would not solve the problems, but it may give you something to help you deal with it.

@Fairylights25

I would ask him to move out for a while, and see how you feel once he has gone. If the tension genuinely lifts and things are easier you have your answer. If they continue as your teens are the source, you will also have your answer. I have a good marriage and teenagers and we regularly disagree on how to handle the problems we face on a weekly basis as we navigate unchartered waters.

Your children will move out/go to uni soon, so if you love your dh I would not rush to end the marriage, as you are likely to end up on your own and very lonely, but I would evaluate how things can be improved - what can you do now to lower the tension?

Sixteen year old needs to be responsible for their own homework, so don't get involved. To a certain degree I have taken one giant step backwards, and I do not micromanage my teens. They come to me with the big stuff, the homework the teachers can deal with, ditto for the make up and short skirt. I get involved when I absolutely have to.

What are you doing as a family that is fun? Theme parks, cinema films, games night. Look and see if there is fun to balance the misery?

Thanks for you response. I think asking my husband to move out would be the end of our marriage, not a tempoary repreave. Blended families are difficult though.
Trying to be objective with regard to my husband and my daughter there are faults on both sides, I have spoken with them both about it, my husband cried over the weekend as we talked about the underlying problems and the difficulties with the family dyamics/relationships. I don't know what to do for the best. I'm not frightened of being alone, I lived alone with my children for nearly 5 years before my husband, it was indeed very lonely, but I am self sufficient and can survive. The home we live in in mine that I owned prior to marriage, so there would be no upheaval for the children if things didn't work out. Though this causes diffculties for my husband as he would like us to have a new home that was ours. But I don't want to give up on the marriage if things can be fixed. But do also need to prioriotise my childrens happiness and to some extent my own, which very much feels at the bottom of the pile at the moment. My daughter does also at times complain about her stepmum and has resentments about that family home dynamics too, she has told me she hates her stepmum, though this is not true, they mostly have quite a good relationship. I agree re the homework, I don't usually get involved or micro manage, he just made a comment about being behind, despite having alot of downtime over the weekend where he could have caught up, I shouldn't have reacted in the way that I did, it was just triggering, he did no work for his GCSEs due to mental health issues and a problamatic girlfriend (whole other long story), he's recently got a new girlfriend who I am meeting tonight for the first time, so he's been distracted. I will back off, its his future, his life.
Regarding joint family fun time, I do try (it is me being the driving force all the time) and my kids are very lucky and have some great opportunitesand experiences. We don't do enough though on a week to week basis, sometimes my attempts are not met with enthusiasm, or kids get better offers. I do insist on family mealtimes each evening around the table, I don't allow interruptions from phones etc, so we all come together at that time its a nice way to connect each day, though on occasions it can be fractious too! Much of the rest of the time, kids skulk in their rooms. Your later point about never poking fun at teenagers, I take on board. Yes we deffintely need fun to balance the misery.

@deedeemegadoodoo

I also had a feeling of ‘wanting to run away’ during a period of time trying to deal with the terminal illnesses, death of family members, abuse disclosures and court cases plus other family issues. This also then turned into ‘wanting to drive my car off a road’. You did not say whether or not you’d see your doctor, but ‘wanting to run away’ is a symptom of stress (flight and flight response).

Would you be willing to see your doctor? It would not solve the problems, but it may give you something to help you deal with it.

Thanks for your response. I hear what you are saying. I have suffered from depression in the past and have taken medication and had counselling at diffucult junctions. I am very reluctant to go back on medication though, but do recongnise that I am nearing a point where I do need to seak help for the stress I am experiencing. The last time I left things too long I reached rock bottom before seaking help and it wasn't ideal.

My teens are not that interested in 'family fun' either so I take your point that it is not always easy to arrange - and sometimes I haven't got the energy to organise anything.

Do you see your future with your dh? Does he personally bring you happiness? Laughter? A sense of security? Does he make your life better for being in it?

Putting the children aside, what does he bring to the party?

My daughter does also at times complain about her stepmum and has resentments about that family home dynamics too, she has told me she hates her stepmum, though this is not true, they mostly have quite a good relationship.

That sounds like she's unhappy that the relationship between her mother and father broke down, so she doesn't want either of them to be in a new relationship and turns it onto the new partners. Have you ever talked to her - in general, not in every gory detail - about why you split up?

@Fairylights25

My teens are not that interested in 'family fun' either so I take your point that it is not always easy to arrange - and sometimes I haven't got the energy to organise anything.

Do you see your future with your dh? Does he personally bring you happiness? Laughter? A sense of security? Does he make your life better for being in it?

Putting the children aside, what does he bring to the party?

I do love my husband very much, we both have our faults but we do genuinely love each other. He does make me laugh yes, though laughter in our household has been a bit lacking for some time! We enjoy each others company and have great times going out to restaurants, theatres, concerts, weekends away etc. Kids are not left out as they get many different experiences too, tailored to their likes etc. I fancy him (in my experience once that goes you are doomed). I feel we are a good fit and have common goals. He works really hard (too hard but again thats another issue) we are fortunate that financially we are in a good place and finances are not a source of tension as can be in relationships. I do see a future with him and can see in the next few years, once children fly the nest for university and we have more time to focus on our own relationship and less tension in the house, how good things could be. Inded things have been good in the past too. We are in many ways a good match for each other. The question for us both though, despite loving each other very much, can we make it work despite the household tensions. I don't know if I can bare the thought of teenagers resenting me for having to live with a step dad that my daughter has now voiced that she is uncomfortable living with. There are however underlying issues in the relationship however which of our own making, such as not having brought a home together that cause friction, the longer time goes on I think this will only be resolved once kids have moved out to University.

When kids go do university they don't actually move out, they can be home for more than a third of the year. When they graduate they may want to come home to regroup - may do a masters, doctorate, may want to live with you while they kick start their careers, may want to return to you if relationships fail. I feel we owe it to our children to house them until they are completely independent and currently, with high rents and low wages many young people are in the family home until their 30's. Don't make it so that they don't actually want to come home to you.

@Feedingthebirds1

My daughter does also at times complain about her stepmum and has resentments about that family home dynamics too, she has told me she hates her stepmum, though this is not true, they mostly have quite a good relationship.

That sounds like she's unhappy that the relationship between her mother and father broke down, so she doesn't want either of them to be in a new relationship and turns it onto the new partners. Have you ever talked to her - in general, not in every gory detail - about why you split up?

She was around 6 when we split up, she has always found it diffcult. Her realtionship with me was quite strained for many years, no matter what I did, I am convinced that she held me responsible deep down for driving her dad away and was punnishing me. Things did come to a head early last year and she moved to her dads for a period of time (when lock down began) she came back like a different child and was appreciateive and thankful for everything I did for her. The cracks now are with regard to her stepdad now. She is aware that her dad chose to leave me and soon after was in a relationship with someone else. They have since married and have a child together. I've always made a big effort to get along with my ex and his wife, despite tensions as I wanted to make things as easy for the children as possible. They can go between the homes freely and have two homes which they are both loved in. There is some truth though that she feels envious of families which are still together and not divroced, seeing them all with rose tinted specs and not understanding that all families have some issues. Agh its a no win situation!!

@fuckoffImcounting

When kids go do university they don't actually move out, they can be home for more than a third of the year. When they graduate they may want to come home to regroup - may do a masters, doctorate, may want to live with you while they kick start their careers, may want to return to you if relationships fail. I feel we owe it to our children to house them until they are completely independent and currently, with high rents and low wages many young people are in the family home until their 30's. Don't make it so that they don't actually want to come home to you.

Yes I would always have a home for them and a bedroom for them as i would for my stepson who is at university, what I mean which I didn't exress well, is I won't be downsizing, if anything upsizing, it is just about moving to a home which I no longer love, whcih i initially brought with my ex husband and my husband doesn't enjoy living in. It would be a new home that doesn't have to be located on a bus route for school or college. It's not fesible to keep my childrens childhood home until their late 20s or 30s as I also need to move forward in life too, but where ever I live there will always be a home for them.

Having listened to that very long list of good points, I would not be throwing it away for what is ultimately just a difficult teen stage.

It is likely that she would be kicking off even if you were together with her father, she would find something else to be unhappy about. It IS a really rough patch at times with teens, but I can't see now what good it would do to end your marriage for their benefit. They are 15/16 and will be off soon - yes they will be back at times - but by then one would hope they would grow up a little, become mature and realise the benefits that come with their stepfather (they won't need to worry about you, you won't be alone when they are gone, you are happy etc etc)

They will be adults and hopefully more wise and accepting of the way things are, they might even warm up towards him heaven forbid!

I would ride it out, and try and hold on to the fact it would probably be tense even if you were not a blended family. Take time out with each of them if you can, so you can enjoy things together.

Are they asking that their father gets rid of his wife?
I imagine not.

In your position I would probably tell them how it is, and tell them to stop asking you to get divorced. You are a family now, and you expect them to step up and be polite and civilised towards both him and you. I wonder if your guilt (which is unfair as it was not your fault) about splitting when they were young is allowing your dc to get away with far more than would normally be the case. It is not okay for them to push for you to split up - and maybe they are testing boundaries?

BTW we are not a blended family at all, and are certainly NOT The Waltons! My teen also thinks everyone else is cooler/happier/more contented than we are. It is the curse of SM.

The reality is that they have been well loved and cared for all of their lives and don't actually have much to complain about!

@Fairylights25

Having listened to that very long list of good points, I would not be throwing it away for what is ultimately just a difficult teen stage.

It is likely that she would be kicking off even if you were together with her father, she would find something else to be unhappy about. It IS a really rough patch at times with teens, but I can't see now what good it would do to end your marriage for their benefit. They are 15/16 and will be off soon - yes they will be back at times - but by then one would hope they would grow up a little, become mature and realise the benefits that come with their stepfather (they won't need to worry about you, you won't be alone when they are gone, you are happy etc etc)

They will be adults and hopefully more wise and accepting of the way things are, they might even warm up towards him heaven forbid!

I would ride it out, and try and hold on to the fact it would probably be tense even if you were not a blended family. Take time out with each of them if you can, so you can enjoy things together.

Are they asking that their father gets rid of his wife?
I imagine not.

In your position I would probably tell them how it is, and tell them to stop asking you to get divorced. You are a family now, and you expect them to step up and be polite and civilised towards both him and you. I wonder if your guilt (which is unfair as it was not your fault) about splitting when they were young is allowing your dc to get away with far more than would normally be the case. It is not okay for them to push for you to split up - and maybe they are testing boundaries?

Your comments have helped me feel a bit more in perspective, thank you. I think the fact I have got myslef so stressed out isn't helping my ability to navigate the choppy waters, I'm just feeling all out of fight. Teenagers are tricky to say the least. I do love my husband and my children; you are right I do need to find a way to get through this and keep my marriage and my relationship with my kids. Despite all that I have written it's not all bad, there is lots of love in the house too. Just areas that need working on/improving. Lots to think about.

That's a long list of positives.
I 'd put the house on the market in the New Year and buy a home that both you and DH have chosen together.
Teenagers moan about everything, you say you love him, don't throw your relationship away.

We all find it hard, no one has an easy ride of it. This was always going to be the test, and I would go and find that new house with dh, and make a fresh start, he sounds like he has put up with a lot to stay with you op (I mean that kindly) but looking from his point of view it does not sound much fun.

Prioritise yourselves, tell your kids you love them and will always be here for them but dh is going nowhere, best be nice and get on with it. Spend some time recharging and getting out of the house. It is not your job to fix everyone and everything and endlessly trying to make everyone happy. Maybe they don't want to be happy?! You can only do so much, you are wearing yourself with the effort of it all. They are old enough to take some responsibility for their own happiness and well being, old enough to know that your future counts too, and old enough for you to tell them you are having a bath and reading a book and model self care.

The love you describe in your house is probably the best you can hope for (for now) until they have grown up a little, that is my view. It can be in short supply. Your dc are biologically preparing to leave, it is a hormonal shit show but it comes to an end.

Your teens are absolutely in the thick of a phase in which they are (typically) selfish, un-pleasable, hormonal and angry. Don't throw away your relationship for the sake of a phase!! Tell you teens that their grandma is coming to stay for a couple of days (or whoever) and that you and DH are going away on a break. You want the house in the same state it was when you left when you get back.

Been there feel your pain. The only thing that worked for us was to physically separate. I was fed up being piggy in the middle. Selfish teens want all my attention (when it suits) and DH wants all my attention.
I love them all but the kids come first .

So we moved. I live with the dc and their step dad lives up the road. I go and stay with him twice a week. He comes to mine once a week usually but alway at the weekend when the kids are out doing their thing.

Kids get my undivided attention. DH gets attention. I no longer feel pissed off all the time. If the teens are annoying I go stay with DH . If DH is annoying I go home. This makes both of them less selfish and behave better if they want me around.