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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy-AIBU

58 replies

CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:12

Just trying to work out if I’m being unreasonable or overly hormonal and would welcome any views….

Currently 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby. For various reasons we haven’t ‘announced’ the pregnancy on social media. On a personal level, I find gender reveals and flashy announcements a bit tacky- no offence to anyone who does this but it just wasn’t us. Equally, all pregnancies still carry risks beyond 12 weeks and to me it would be hard enough dealing with a loss or any difficulties without the added awkwardness of explaining it over and over and dealing with inevitable questions from everyone and their dog! We told our families and close friends at 14 weeks and everyone was over the moon. To be clear….I don’t mind people knowing as such I just didn’t want to go out my way broadcasting it to everyone outwith our close circle.

Fast forward to the past few weeks and I’ve had the odd random text from people who clearly know about the baby but aren’t explicitly saying anything. It comes across as ‘fishing’ for info and it’s really annoyed me. I feel like I’m having to justify my personal news and tell people by being put on the spot. Often people who I haven’t spoken to in a long time.

Example: text from an old mate who I haven’t spoken to or seen since before lockdown “we must meet up in January and catch up….” (Due date is January) Sent when I knew they were with a friend who knew about the baby. Is it just me who finds it annoying? Surely it’s in far better taste to just text and say “heard your news, congratulations” 🥴

Another example from another mate who does know about the baby but sends “how’s the pregnancy going? Have you been for anymore scans?” Sent after I’d had to have some extra growth scans. They’d clearly been told by another friend about this and again, fishing for info.

As I said, I don’t mind people knowing and if I bump into people I’m happy to tell them and chat about the baby. Afterall, you get to this stage you can’t exactly hide it!! But AIBU about the way nosy people go about things? And what do I say back to friend no 1 in the first example?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2021 01:19

I fail to see how they're being "nosy", and it seems like you're looking for problems.

Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:21

Thank you for responding. I just wish people would either ask outright or be polite enough to wait to be told someone’s news. Instead of prying and giving me little choice to discuss something that to them, I may have wanted to keep private

OP posts:
Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:23

Additionally, the growth scans could’ve uncovered some issues or something sensitive we may not have wanted to divulge. We didn’t tell anybody bar really close family and a friend that we were going. To then text outright like that I find quite instrusive. Perhaps it’s just me!

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 15/11/2021 01:25

Yes you are overthinking things. Other people's pregnancies are simply not that important to people as harsh as that sounds.

EnrouteNOTonroute · 15/11/2021 01:26

Yeah it is annoying when people pry for information. I get friends asking me what I discussed with my consultant and they’re desperate to know whether I have a c section or an induction, when I just want to say none of your business and stop asking me!!
I’m pretty hormonal atm and I’m 34 weeks

auberginechef · 15/11/2021 01:27

Oh I know what you mean

I chose not to publically announce my recent pregnant due to my second pregnancy loss.

I told my grandma most things and she's very loose lipped. My cousin whom lives with my grandma would text me like "aw do you know when baby will arrive" when she literally knew I was in an induction as I just got off the phone to my grandma.

It's like just say "oh gran said you're in induction now!! Any news?"

That's one example. I know what you mean and it is annoying like you're being forced to announce your business first when they know anyway

However, it could also be they want to be involved but need the "go ahead" from you first.. because they don't want to tell you your own business?!

That's how I rationalised it to myself anyway! Congrats on the pregnancy!

Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:28

@EnrouteNOTonroute I totally agree. I think it’s different if people genuinely care and reach out to ask you if it’s appropriate. But for people to skirt around and pry- and in my case a person whom is not spoken to otherwise in forever- I just find it a bit off

OP posts:
Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:31

@auberginechef yes exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head. That’s totally what I mean.

I’m so so sorry to hear about your loss, sending you my best wishes 💐

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 15/11/2021 01:32

I had growth scans, they’re fairly common. Also, I don’t think people are fishing for info - you’re not Beyoncé - they’re just you’re old friends and they’re probably wondering why you haven’t told them you’re pregnant when the baby is due soon. They may think something is wrong with the pregnancy and so don’t want to openly congratulate you. It’s all perfectly reasonable. This sounds like more of a ‘you’ issue.

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy. You’ll feel better when baby is here. I felt crazily anxious when I was pregnant and sometimes it makes you feel really paranoid about everything.

Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 01:36

@Rno3gfr I totally get what you mean but if they think they’re wondering why I haven’t told them and thinking there may be something wrong wouldn’t the polite thing be to not say anything until you are told. Or just respect people’s privacy until you hear from the horse’s mouth.

My friend recently got divorced. I heard through the grapevine but as she hadn’t told me I presumed she didn’t want to talk about it. I waited until I bumped into her and she brought it up

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 15/11/2021 02:04

I think you’re being over sensitive and no matter what people were texting you’d find issue.

dontletthemugglesgetyoudownn · 15/11/2021 02:39

I don't think they can win here can they? If they didn't text you you'd probably be upset no one cared. They are texting you and you're upset because they're nosy' out of interest would you just turn up to friends events with a baby and be like 'surprise guess what we did' because that's weird

Original poster
CanadaFall · 15/11/2021 02:49

@dontletthemugglesgetyoudownn no I planned on just telling everyone else when baby was here safely. Also, I think half my issue is the friend who texted in the first example is someone I haven’t spoken to in over 18 months. We aren’t close and would be unlikely to talk or see each other in the near future anyway

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 15/11/2021 03:02

I don't think they can win here can they? If they didn't text you you'd probably be upset no one cared.

I don’t think that is the case here. OP hasn’t talked to these people in awhile so it’s odd to her for them to reach out to her out of the blue for information that she has never discussed with them.

I get what you’re saying OP. I have two children and didn’t announce anything about them until I gave birth. The people that were in the know were people I or my husband talked to. With our first, he told his parents and siblings because his sister had shared her second pregnancy and I was further along then her and since he told his I told mine by sending an ultrasound picture. My parents and in-laws didn’t know with our second until after 20 wks since we don’t live nearby and again I just sent an ultrasound picture. I could easily go full term and not say a word because unless it is an emergency I don’t feel I need to. If something had happened where we suffered a miscarriage, I wouldn’t want people to know anyway because imo it is none of their business and I rather deal with it privately then have people asking me about it.

All you can really do is choose whether you want to talk to said people. You could just as easily give a generic answer or go in-depth, it’s really your choice.

whereislittleroo · 15/11/2021 03:03

I'm surprised by the responses you've had. I would be very annoyed by this kind of behaviour. Far better to text saying "I've just heard your news, congratulations..." than start fishing for info or suggesting catch ups that they never otherwise would have.

RoseGoldEagle · 15/11/2021 03:29

My friend recently got divorced. I heard through the grapevine but as she hadn’t told me I presumed she didn’t want to talk about it. I waited until I bumped into her and she brought it up

Just playing Devil’s advocate here but if your friend was aware people were talking about it and she knew you knew about it- she could have been hurt that you hadn’t contacted her to say ‘hey, I heard about X, understand you might not want to talk about it but just wanted to say I hope you’re ok and I’m here if you need to talk.’ She could have thought ‘well OP knows I’m going through a crap time but hasn’t bothered contacting me’

I’m not saying either way is right or wrong (I’d be likely to do what you did in most situations) and it depends hugely on how well you know someone, but just saying people see things differently and unless someone’s doing something quite obviously bitchy I’d try to just appreciate that friends are interested and want to share your happy news. Congrats OP!

HoppingPavlova · 15/11/2021 03:59

You sound like extremely hard work. I’d just find that too exhausting tbh.

bollocksthemess · 15/11/2021 04:30

This is sort of why I’ll be announcing mine at 20/24 weeks.

bollocksthemess · 15/11/2021 04:36

Sorry, posted too soon. I’ve told everyone I see regularly, but I’m 19 weeks and already getting people that I don’t see often not really knowing whether to say something or not if I haven’t told them myself. It doesn’t help that it’s cold so I’m wrapped up and you can’t see my bump.

It happened yesterday actually, poor woman didn’t know whether to congratulate me or not. I feel like it’ll be easier just to announce it, even though I’ve been so anxious about this pregnancy. If something dreadful happened at this point, although I’m a private person, I’d also want people to know my son and daughter did exist (b/g twins). They’re as real to me now as if I’d held them.

Lasair · 15/11/2021 06:09

I would read that as they are trying to show you they care about you, but trying to be respectful as you haven’t told them
The news. Like someone else as said no one cares/thinks about the ins and outs of pregnancy if someone else. I think you’re being sensitive but you are 33 weeks.

MartyHart · 15/11/2021 06:59

What HoppingPavlova said.
Tell people, don't tell people it's up to you.

ChaosMoon · 15/11/2021 07:04

I can't count the number of times I've been told, "you should contact friend X, I can't tell you why" or similar. The issue may be more with the people who are sharing your news in the first place, caveated with "don't let on that you know/that I told you but..."

Yogaandcocoa · 15/11/2021 07:11

Some people wouldn't feel comfortable congratulating you unless you had told them the news so maybe that's why they are "fishing" as you call out. They're showing an interest and giving you a chance to tell them so they can congratulate you most likely.

Yogaandcocoa · 15/11/2021 07:11

I also agree with @ChaosMoon

HeyFloof · 15/11/2021 07:14

@Yogaandcocoa

Some people wouldn't feel comfortable congratulating you unless you had told them the news so maybe that's why they are "fishing" as you call out. They're showing an interest and giving you a chance to tell them so they can congratulate you most likely.
This. If these are friends they want you to say so that they can congratulate you and be pleased for you. Even if you've not seen them, and you won't necessarily see them, people share news.