Alternate Xmas with each family, did last year count?

[whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy]

I've name changed because my sister might see this.

We normally alternate at christmas, either my family or husbands family. over the years it has become that our siblings have all aligned so it is a big bash each time.

Last year was my family's turn. At the last-ish minute restrictions changed but we still saw my sister, and other family members didnt come. (I cant remember if my sister was going to host all along)

So this year we think it is husbands family, and so do husbands siblings etc. My family are saying that last year didnt count and they are all doing this year, and we are ruining the system if we dont fall into line with this and we have ruined it now FOREVER.

Before I say any more - i will open it up for views.

so
YANBU - you are right it is your husbands family turn
YABU - you should go to your own family

Before anyone asks, no we wont split up, we have 3 primary kids, for whom christmas is actually designed imo.

We are just resetting last year.

@whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy

thanks for all the messages.

Im not totally sure my family want to see us, they just want us to fall in with the plans. We feel like characters in their story most of the time, this one being case in point. They made the plans in a conversation without me, and now are annoyed that I can't immediately fall into line.

We hate the drama.

The extra info is that we always do xmas on another day if we dont do it at xmas, so everyone will get a go.

And - on my side:
My ddad died this year, and the wider family are getting together on boxing day to spread his ashes. We will be there for that.

on DH side:
his mother is in very poor health, having gone down hill this year. she has asked us to cook at hers. DH is normally laid back about my family's requirements but really wants to do this for his mum.

Stick to your plans then. His mother sounds like she needs him.

This is why I put my foot down early on and said no to all this alternate years stuff. We rarely see anyone to be honest. It’s bliss!

I think if both you and your DH want to see his family, then do so. Don’t worry about who’s ‘turn’ it is.

It’s also fine if you would rather just stay home.

You don’t ‘have’ to do anything

Husbands turn.

However, my DH put his foot down on “turns”. You have children, every year is your children’s turn. My mum will bleat about it being her turn but we refuse to operate a turn system.

Your IL’s turn this year. Have a quiet Xmas day at home next year and see your side the year after and you’ll all be back in sync.

You can’t really refuse your MIL’s request.

Having just read your post about your DF dying this year, and that you are all spreading His Ashes on Boxing Day - many condolences for that OP - and that your MiL is very unwell, I would not even have to think about it (unless your DM was going to be all alone on her first Christmas without your DDad, but you haven't mentioned that, so I presume that isn't a problem). I would go to your MiL on Christmas Day, and your family on Boxing Day, as long as they don't live too far from each.

I have adult children and I was just thinking earlier today (well yesterday now) that if they want to have some sort of arrangement in place annually for Christmas, then they could do the alternates that lots of families do, but I would suggest that they might like to have something like 1 in 3 Christmases to themselves. I would have loved that when my family were younger.
Good luck OP, and I hope that you have a great Christmas in whatever form it takes!

Your husband's turn of course. You saw your family last year, albeit a limited amount of them, now it's your husband's families turn this year.

On the 'you'll spoil the alignment of family Christmases FOREVER' point, I would say 'well in that case, we'll do this year AND next year at DH's side, so see you in 2023!'

In practice, as you've said, you will see them on a different day during the whole period anyway.

Sounds like you want to go to MILs and your not fussed about being out of sync with your family, so go to MILs. I voted the opposite way initially but your update completely changes things.

I think last year didn’t count, particularly for those who ended up in Tier 4. We do the same most years (my family Christmas Day, IL’s Boxing Day) because PIL’s tend to make their own arrangements Christmas Day then have a big dinner Boxing Day, so thankfully it’s irrelevant for us, but I know that my brother & SIL are counting last year as a proper “turn” so I don’t think one way is really right or wrong. If your family are so upset in arms just say you’ll go to MIL’s this year and next then!

I have to say to the ‘turns are silly, stay at home by yourself’ brigade, our kids would be gutted if it wasn’t a chaotic day with cousins and aunties and uncles. I’d miss it too in all reality.

With your MIL in poor health you should definitely go to hers. You’ll see your family on Boxing Day anyway.

I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong answer - just what you all decide is right. We're keeping to the original plan - so this year ought to be my family and we are seeing my family, notwithstanding the fact that we didn't see my husband's family last year. Anything else would have been too complicated and would have involved multiple siblings on both sides of the family changing their plans. My husband's parents are sanguine about having missed their year, since someone has to do it, and we're hoping it will all just be normal from now on.

From what you’ve said I’d do Christmas Day with his family as his mum is unwell and has asked you to cook, and Boxing Day with yours to do the ashes