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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alternate Xmas with each family, did last year count?

65 replies

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 14/11/2021 20:00

I've name changed because my sister might see this.

We normally alternate at christmas, either my family or husbands family. over the years it has become that our siblings have all aligned so it is a big bash each time.

Last year was my family's turn. At the last-ish minute restrictions changed but we still saw my sister, and other family members didnt come. (I cant remember if my sister was going to host all along)

So this year we think it is husbands family, and so do husbands siblings etc. My family are saying that last year didnt count and they are all doing this year, and we are ruining the system if we dont fall into line with this and we have ruined it now FOREVER.

Before I say any more - i will open it up for views.

so
YANBU - you are right it is your husbands family turn
YABU - you should go to your own family

Before anyone asks, no we wont split up, we have 3 primary kids, for whom christmas is actually designed imo.

OP posts:
Chocoqueen · 14/11/2021 21:02

We've gone with last year didn't count so we're all doing what we would have done last year. Though me and my siblings discussed this a couple of months ago so we were all agreed and means we can align and all be together next year 😆

Chocoqueen · 14/11/2021 21:03

Although that's for Xmas day - we are all getting together on a different day for a Christmas lunch and present swapping.

Original poster
whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 14/11/2021 21:06

thanks for all the messages.

Im not totally sure my family want to see us, they just want us to fall in with the plans. We feel like characters in their story most of the time, this one being case in point. They made the plans in a conversation without me, and now are annoyed that I can't immediately fall into line.

We hate the drama.

The extra info is that we always do xmas on another day if we dont do it at xmas, so everyone will get a go.

And - on my side:
My ddad died this year, and the wider family are getting together on boxing day to spread his ashes. We will be there for that.

on DH side:
his mother is in very poor health, having gone down hill this year. she has asked us to cook at hers. DH is normally laid back about my family's requirements but really wants to do this for his mum.

OP posts:
Landof · 14/11/2021 21:06

To me, last year didn't count and I'd want to spend it with my family.

To those saying Xmas should be just the family unit and can pop to see others on Xmas eve or boxing day, this only really works if people live locally. My siblings are dotted around all over including one a 12 hour flight away. Christmas takes planning and none of us would dream of people being alone on Xmas day.

BakedBeeeen · 14/11/2021 21:09

Hi OP, we do similar to you, all siblings align so we see all of my family one year and all of DH family the next. We couldn’t do “last year didn’t count” - our fate for this year was decided for us as one sister works for NHS and got Xmas off last year so has to work Xmas this year. So we all had to say to my parents that we won’t be able to see you for Xmas this year, even though we should have seen you last year but didnt. We will organise to see them at New Years weekend instead.
But everyone needs to be in agreement, my parents were not upset about it, and said that they don’t mind when they see us as long as they can see everyone at some point. Sounds like your family need to grow up!! Wink

ThinWomansBrain · 14/11/2021 21:13

does doing this year with your family put you out of stnch with DH family?

ThinWomansBrain · 14/11/2021 21:14

*synch Grin
some typos I ignore - others really make a nonsens of the reply

TillyTopper · 14/11/2021 21:15

I can't give a YABU or a YANBU OP... but I would not have got into the habit of alternate Xmases with families. I'd be saying it's time to stay at home and have Xmas with you family unit and see others on another day.

PrincessNutNuts · 14/11/2021 21:21

You saw (some of) your family last year.

You didn't not see DH's family.

Therefore it's DH's family's turn.

GreenClock · 14/11/2021 21:22

Sounds a bit stressful. Do what you want OP, (assuming that no one is alone all day, of course). Now might be a good time to break the “alternating” stuff.

Chloemol · 14/11/2021 21:25

Your families turn, no one could meet last year spin effect it was put on hold

FizzyTango · 14/11/2021 21:26

I think in light of your update that really changes things. Spend it with your poorly MIL, especially if you are seeing your family on Boxing Day. You can always ‘even’ things out in future years so you fall back in sync with your family. But in your DH position, you really should prioritise his family in my opinion.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 14/11/2021 21:30

I said YABU because really it doesn’t matter if it’s your family turn or your DH’s.

I think keeping the rhythm of your family all meeting up altogether is more important. Otherwise it will just never happen again.

And yes that means you won’t see your DH fan inly for two years. It happens. Same happened last year with my family (we were supposed to stay with them). This year we will spend with dH family too because his dad just died. So that will be 3 years wo spending Christmas with my side.
I’d rather do that. Adapt to circumstances rather than rigidly keep to a certain schedule.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 14/11/2021 21:33

Xpost (that will teach me nit to refresh the page…)

In that case, yes Christmas at MIL wo a doubt especially if you still can manage to have a day together for Christmas. NOT Boxing Day though which you will have ‘reserved’ for something really different.

Herja · 14/11/2021 21:38

If my mother was declining and had asked me to cook christmas lunch for us all, I would be finding a way to make that happen. If that involves irritating people with time on their side, then so be it. I would let DH lead on this.

Cupoftea53 · 14/11/2021 21:40

I think the ‘turn’ thing finishes when you have kids. I think you get to the point then that you are the host and people can come to you if they want. We always just say both sets of parents are welcome at ours if they want to see us.

MegaClutterSlut · 14/11/2021 22:04

I voted yanbu before I'd seen your update as you still spent Christmas with some of your side of the family but given your update, I'd 100% be spending it with mil

CecilieRose · 14/11/2021 22:07

@Scarby9

We are rerunning what should have happened last year, if Boris hadn't put us all into Tier 4 and a Christmas travel ban at the last minute. We are mainly doing this because the apartment we booked for Christmas to allow family to stay nearby (while overnight stays in people's houses were banned) was moved from last year to this.
Because visiting your entire family in the middle of a terrible second wave of a global pandemic when nobody at all was vaccinated was such a great idea? If only Boris hadn't ruined all your fun, eh.

Some people need to be saved from themselves, JFC.

Hmmmm2018 · 14/11/2021 22:26

I think it is the turn of the people you should have been with last year, as that didn't happen. Saying that, I therefore suggested we should spend Xmas with in-laws as didn't get their turn last year but actually they would prefer to stick to the schedule and are seeing SiL. I rather liked last Christmas, quiet time at home without all the mad dashing about the country trying to appease the different family factions!

Macaroni46 · 14/11/2021 22:41

I think in light of your updates OP you should definitely go to DH's family this year.

Original poster
whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 14/11/2021 22:47

@Hmmmm2018 but it did happen. Just in part.

It has just occurred to me that I seem to be somehow less interested in the past than others. I just feel like we spent it with my family last year and so this year it is DHs. If we had gone skiing last year it would still be DHs turn and we did decide how we were going to spend it.

At the end of the day I hate this alternate nonsense as you can possibly tell, so I guess I just feel bound in by a tradition that I would enjoy all the more with an element of freedom of choice. We are an endless disappointment to my family and this just perpetuates it

OP posts:
PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 22:52

It's your husbands year

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 22:54

If its that much of an issue for future Xmases see your husbands family this year, spend next year alone (or with his family again) and then you're in line again. It's too late notice to tell someone you'd rather go somewhere else.

RuggerHug · 15/11/2021 00:09

Ah based on the update, definitely with DHs family. This year will be 'off' for your family anyway (first year after a loss always is) but you're getting together for the ashes so will still have time together for something hugely important. If your MIL is likely to have this the last Christmas with you(especially having not had last year from alternating)then be with that side.

GrealishHairband · 15/11/2021 00:25

A similar dilemma has landed in our lap this year OP, it hadn’t occurred to me that it might. Last was my families turn and my brother was hosting for the first time. Then tier 4. Then my mum got cancer and had to isolate so she could have an op so we didn’t see her over Christmas at all. We still went to my sisters but was v low key. This year should be DH’s family turn. Except my mum is now thankfully well and my brother is emigrating in the new year so may be last Christmas at home for a while and they’re wanting a reset.

So no suggestions but masses of sympathy for the difficult decision!