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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

38 replies

Bigrowtonight · 14/11/2021 18:28

Been together 8 years.

A had to go on a sudden emergency mission earlier this week to help their adult child, mental health crisis triggered by some appalling things happening. Had a physically exhausting and emotionally hard week. Drove home 5 hours today.

B stayed home (not their child), did great job of housework etc, went shopping today and planned to cook dinner for both. Then went to pub to collect menus needed for their big-number birthday party in 3 weeks as guests need to choose. Pub 10 minutes walk from home. Stayed for drinks and arrived home 1. 25 hours later than A.

A very upset B wasn't home when they arrived, as they feel B prioritised going out drinking over providing support, a hug and a cup of tea to A. B feels they were only an hour later and they needed to get the menus.

A called B selfish. B said A was overreacting.
Big row. A crying. B stomped off.

Who is being unreasonable?

A is unreasonable - YANBU
B is unreasonable - YABU.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 14/11/2021 18:31

It sounds like A has been through the ringer emotionally and needed to be supported when they got home.

Whatinthelord · 14/11/2021 18:32

I think it’s probably a bit of both. A overreacting because of what sounds like an awful day and B not being as thoughtful as they could be.

Just a difficult situation by the sounds of it.
Probably best to both share your perspective and try to move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2021 18:32

If I were B, I definitely would have been home to greet A after such a hard week. Not a big ask, imo.

SinoohXaenaHide · 14/11/2021 18:34

B is most of the unreasonable. A over-reacted due to emotional exhaustion so has made too big a thing of this but B should have reckoned on that and been more considerate.

SirensofTitan · 14/11/2021 18:35

I assume you are A, did B know that A was expecting them to be at home?

MrsToothyBitch · 14/11/2021 18:36

Bit of both. If I were B, I probably wouldn't have lingered in the pub if I knew my very drained and in need of support partner was heading home at that time. If I were A, little things would probably upset me more than they should do if I was drained.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/11/2021 18:37

Maybe A should have told B that he/she would like B to be home when he/she arrives for tea/hug/support.

Sometimes it's nice to get home and sort yourself out before having to interact with someone else after a long journey.

Presumably B isn't a mind reader?

Billybagpuss · 14/11/2021 18:37

I think you both need to give each other a hug acknowledge that you are adults and if you want a drink that’s ok and that it’s been a shit week and you needed support and that’s ok too. Maybe a couple of apologies and some sorrys.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 14/11/2021 18:40

I would say B . Nothing wrong with stopping for a drink , but if B knew when A Was arriving home then they should of been there given the circumstances, imo.

NeverChange · 14/11/2021 18:42

I can see where A is hoping from but think if they hadn't had so such a draining week, they wouldn't be as upset.

B has been supportive as outlined in the post and it's not as if they spend all day in the pub, they were only 85 minutes behind A. B is probably pissed off that all the support they provided during the week wasn't enough.

Has A given B a precise time they were going to be home also?

A & B seem like decent people, both of whom are probably a little stressed right now so are oversensitive to things that wouldn't normally annoy them.

Chippymunks · 14/11/2021 18:45

Neither are being U
It sounds an awful week for A, hope A’s DC is ok.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/11/2021 18:47

If I was A I would’ve called B to say I’m home, run a bath and enjoyed the peace.

If I was B, I would’ve waited until A got home, suggested they join me for a drink in the pub, if not run them a bath and cracked on with cooking dinner.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:49

Did B know when A would be home? If not it's a bit off to expect B to be sat at home waiting all day.

Original poster
Bigrowtonight · 14/11/2021 18:52

OK, I am A and accept I am overwrought but wanted some TLC, and thought that would be obvious. He knew what had been happening all week - dealing with very very serious issues with son and only getting a few hours sleep every night. I also rarely need to drive more than a few miles so 5 hours was exhausting.

He's also been to the pub every night I was away, which is fine, but also drank in 2 other pubs today before going to the local one.

So yeah, I'm upset and feel like he didn't give a shit about me. He's angry that I'm criticising him for his choice of what to do today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigrowtonight · 14/11/2021 18:53

He also knew what time I'd be home.

OP posts:
Chippymunks · 14/11/2021 18:54

Is he home now?

MintJulia · 14/11/2021 18:54

I think A has had a hard week and is stressed. B has done housework/cooking and didn't know how stressed A was.
I think B needs to run A a bath and pour A a drink, and then everyone needs to take a deep breathe and relax. Smile

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2021 18:55

I would have been home for my partner. I think yours is inconsiderate.

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2021 18:56

@Bigrowtonight

OK, I am A and accept I am overwrought but wanted some TLC, and thought that would be obvious. He knew what had been happening all week - dealing with very very serious issues with son and only getting a few hours sleep every night. I also rarely need to drive more than a few miles so 5 hours was exhausting.

He's also been to the pub every night I was away, which is fine, but also drank in 2 other pubs today before going to the local one.

So yeah, I'm upset and feel like he didn't give a shit about me. He's angry that I'm criticising him for his choice of what to do today.

3 pubs in one day? Does he a drink problem?
girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 18:57

I'd have expected him to be home as he knew what time you'd be back.

I hope your DS is ok x

Lightswitch123 · 14/11/2021 18:57

@NeverChange

I can see where A is hoping from but think if they hadn't had so such a draining week, they wouldn't be as upset.

B has been supportive as outlined in the post and it's not as if they spend all day in the pub, they were only 85 minutes behind A. B is probably pissed off that all the support they provided during the week wasn't enough.

Has A given B a precise time they were going to be home also?

A & B seem like decent people, both of whom are probably a little stressed right now so are oversensitive to things that wouldn't normally annoy them.

This.
Original poster
Bigrowtonight · 14/11/2021 18:58

I would say yes, he would say no.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2021 18:58

He's also been to the pub every night I was away, which is fine, but also drank in 2 other pubs today before going to the local one.

Fucking hell. Is drink a problem for him? He's a self-absorbed twat.

jetadore · 14/11/2021 18:59

Assuming B knew rough time A would return then B should have foregone the drinks to be there when A came home.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 19:00

@Bigrowtonight

He also knew what time I'd be home.
In that case I would have expected him to be home tbh
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