Who is unreasonable here?

[Bigrowtonight]

Been together 8 years.

A had to go on a sudden emergency mission earlier this week to help their adult child, mental health crisis triggered by some appalling things happening. Had a physically exhausting and emotionally hard week. Drove home 5 hours today.

B stayed home (not their child), did great job of housework etc, went shopping today and planned to cook dinner for both. Then went to pub to collect menus needed for their big-number birthday party in 3 weeks as guests need to choose. Pub 10 minutes walk from home. Stayed for drinks and arrived home 1. 25 hours later than A.

A very upset B wasn't home when they arrived, as they feel B prioritised going out drinking over providing support, a hug and a cup of tea to A. B feels they were only an hour later and they needed to get the menus.

A called B selfish. B said A was overreacting.
Big row. A crying. B stomped off.

Who is being unreasonable?

A is unreasonable - YANBU
B is unreasonable - YABU.

@Cherrysoup

I would have been home for my partner. I think yours is inconsiderate.

This absolutely

15 mins on a completely essential errand maybe but not one and a half hours.

Sorry you’ve had a horrible time

Your DH is an alcoholic, that's your main problem. He cannot go a single day without it. He put going drinking before his son/Stepson's mental health crises. That's absolutely horrendous. He should've been with you

Crisis*

If either of us had been away for a few days, the other would definitely be at home for when they got back, assuming not at work.

Did B know when A was going to be arriving home? Was there a definite time?

I can see why A is upset but was B supposed to wait at home for when A arrived, even if that wasn’t a specified time?

On the other hand I can see why A might think that B was unsupportive. Wandering off to the pub could seem a bit casual in the circumstances.

@Bigrowtonight

I would say yes, he would say no.

His drinking is the issue, and possibly why you're more upset, because it's another MH worry on top of everything.

@Billybagpuss

I think you both need to give each other a hug acknowledge that you are adults and if you want a drink that’s ok and that it’s been a shit week and you needed support and that’s ok too. Maybe a couple of apologies and some sorrys.

This one. Neither are being unreasonable, just one of those weeks/days by the sound of it. Don’t stress over it, decompress, have a nice relaxing evening and try to do better at communicating what you both need next time.

@Bigrowtonight

I would say yes, he would say no.

So yes then.

That’s the real crux of the issue. B if he says he doesn’t, nothing is going to change (and let’s face it, even if he admits to it, getting sober is a long and bumpy journey too.).

I’d be looking for the exit at this point I’m afraid.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Look after each other.

B has had to pick things up while A was away. A thinks they have had a shitter time.

Who knows?

If A said to B “I will be home at x time, I would really like you to be there as I need a bit of support” or words to that effect then B is unreasonable.

If A didn’t ask and B has been busy rushing round doing everything in A’s absence and wanted to chill and have a drink in the pub not knowing A desperately wanted them home then A is probably overreacting a bit and needs to communicate better.

Neither of you are in the wrong.

He’s not a mind reader and may have thought you’d want to have a shower etc when you’ve arrived home. He also went for a particular reason and not just to get kissed. He also took care of the house etc.

But you are absolutely within your rights to want to come home and have a hug and getting the menus from the pub could have easily waited a day or two.

I think you’ve been through a lot so try not to take it out on your partner. What’s done is done.

Exactly what did his looking after the house involve?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Look after each other.

B has had to pick things up while A was away. A thinks they have had a shitter time.

Who knows?

This is basically what I was going to say, too. If you'd asked him to greet you at home with cwtches and cuppas then yes, he was a knob for going out. If you just expected him to know you wanted him to wait in for you then you a being a bit unreasonable I'm afraid. An exact ETA on a 5 hour journey is often difficult do he might have thought you'd be arriving later or whatever. Or, he might just not have cared. The fact he's stomped off after the row suggests he might be a bit embarrassed about going to the pub rather than being there for you, or he might think you are being really unfair. Impossible to tell. I hope your son is/will be alright.