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Original poster

To think my dad will never speak to me again?

30 replies

yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:09

I have a strained relationship with my dad. I got drunk on Friday night and sent him this message Blush he will now not speak to me. He has blocked my number and won't answer his door. I so badly want to make up with him and at the very least speak to him but he won't respond. Is this message irreparable? I wish I didn't send it. I was just drunk. No excuse I know.

The argument we had the other night - from my view - I walked in and I thought you were in a bad mood. You said Amelia didn’t eat her beans and then you started talking about when you were young how your food would have been binned if you didn’t eat it because they couldn’t afford to make different dinners. I said thankfully I wasn’t in that position with Amelia, she’s a lucky girl that she will never be forced to eat something she doesn’t like due to money. You then said well if she’s not eating well she needs to exercise 3 times a week. Which led me to say that she does exercise. You then said that you worry that she will be heavy and get picked on. At which point I did become defensive and said that was something me and Daniel should worry about. You said that was a hurtful comment to make.

In sure you remember it completely different.

I am doing my best with Amelia, I’m not a perfect parent, as many of us aren’t but I love her, I want her to have a good, long, healthy life but honestly, you have had a busy day at uni, you pick your kid up from school, you go shopping, you come home, homework has to be done, you have to clean the kitchen. You make a dinner that you know they are going to eat. Not because you hate them and want them to become obese, but because it’s easiest. Of course I’d love my daughter to eat green beans and meatloaf. But she won’t and we don’t live in a generation where I think that’s warranted.

Your text really hurt me - if I don’t get over what you did then you don’t want anything to do with me. I didn’t want to say this and am sensitive to how you are feeeling. But from a man that has let his past completely define him as a person, I don’t understand how you expect it to be that easy.

I understand why you left to marry someone. I have been in love several times - I get it. However, I could never and WOULD NEVER leave my daughter. I’d honestly rather die. My daughter comes with me, we are a package. And to have you say that I need to get over the past? Mate my full life has been around getting over my past.

Every single relationship I’ve had has been underlined by this intense fear that they will leave me. I have been on my knees in front of men, clinging to them, begging them not to leave because I’m so terrified that they have seen the weakness in me that you so obviously did.

Amelia came home to me one day and said that her dad had said that he was moving to Spain one day. Daniel came to pick Amelia up and I freaked up, he said he would never leave Amelia, he wasn’t my dad.

Surprisingly despite my upbringing, I have an amazing life. I have the best friends I could ever hope for, me and Amelia have an amazing bond.

I’m not going to apologise anymore. You might not understand what I’ve been through - you’ve been through worse but I’m not going to apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:09

Names have been changed

OP posts:
Josette77 · 14/11/2021 16:13

Did you only recently start talking to him? Did you not have a relationship growing up?

Evelyn52 · 14/11/2021 16:13

Ah hon I've been where you are, I cut him loose tbh, haven't really spoken to him in 20 years. Best thing I ever did, he made his choices and I made mine. Do you really need this person in your and Amelia's life? A loving father doesn't act like this, he is who he is.

Ohwhatfunwehad · 14/11/2021 16:14

I don't think it's irreparable at all.
Sounds like he's done worse to you than send a fairly honest text message.

I'd give him a wide birth for a while and then send a letter offering to chat and have a frank and open conversation so that you can both move past it.

NotJustACigar · 14/11/2021 16:15

Your dad sounds awful and controlling and I think him withdrawing and you begging him to speak to you/love you right now is repeating an old pattern that is very unhealthy for you. Your message was fine and now I think you need to leave him be. He is abandoning you yet again and I think he needs to come back on his own, not because you beg him to. You need to wait for him to do that. Only then can you start to develop a mature healthy adult relationship

Original poster
yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:16

I had a relationship with him growing up but like once every few weeks. He had bad mental health issues. When I was 11 he left to go to America and marry a woman he had met less that a year previous and only 3 times and his life spiralled after that. He came back to Scotland about 6 years ago, I let him move in with me and it didn't work out. He then got a flat to rent and it's been strained since ever since. We go through phases of getting on so well but there's always this underlying anger - probably from my side. He's always given me unasked for and unwarrented advice on how to raise my daughter. It really upsets me because I have no respect for his opinion in that aspect.

OP posts:
Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 14/11/2021 16:16

Op I’m not sure how to advise you given that I’m not in your shoes, but it seems to me that you’ve been pretty articulate and it reads as though you’ve given a measured account of your perspective that will be very hard for him to hear. I wish you well and hope that after digesting what you wrote, he decides that his relationship for the future with you and your daughter is important enough to try to discuss and resolve the past, rather than running away from it.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:20

I think you've got things off your chest that needed to be said.
Completely fixable if he accepts his faults and flaws.

Sn0tnose · 14/11/2021 16:26

I think he’s shutting you out because if he doesn’t, he’ll have to acknowledge he’s been a shit dad and he doesn’t want to do that. It’s much easier to blame you for upsetting him than it is for him to take a long hard look at himself. He sounds selfish and pretty cowardly.

Why do you want a relationship with him so badly? Is it that he’s a wonderful man who adds to your life? Or is it that you’re just desperate for him to want to be a decent dad to you?

I understand, I promise you I really do. But sometimes you just have to put your mental health first and put some space between you. Your mental health tends to improve when you realise that the reason they are a shit father is absolutely nothing to do with you. They either aren’t capable or don’t want to be what you need. Grieve for the dad you wish he was and take a step back.

Original poster
yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:37

It's so difficult, I want a relationship with him because he is actually a good guy. I love him to bits and I don't understand why but I just do. I feel warm and fuzzy when I spend time with him but he just continuously hurts me.

I'm lucky that I've had a male role model in my life who is my stepdad. He's the main man in my life but I can't help that I feel this intense love for my biological dad.

He has had a horrendous life but he has let it completely define him since he was 16 and now I am being told by him to get over what I perceived he put me through. It's a bit rich.

Even so, I feel like he is a part of me as ridiculous as that feels. It's very hard to explain but I love him to bits. I feel for him. I know he is lonely and that he has no one but at the same time I have to respect myself and he doesn't respect me sadly.

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 14/11/2021 16:45

This all sounds incredibly petty.

Original poster
yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:46

@EishetChayil

This all sounds incredibly petty.
How do?
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:49

now I am being told by him to get over what I perceived he put me through. It's a bit rich.

When I called out my useless parent on their behaviours over the years I got told "I can't change the past. I feel like you've never wanted much to do with me."

No apologies, no acknowledgment, no recognition of their faults. Just turning the blame/responsibility onto me.

I didn't want them to change their past. I wanted them to change their shit behaviours that our ongoing.

They won't. It sounds like your dad won't take responsibility and change for you either.

Original poster
yogaqueenhood · 14/11/2021 16:50

@EishetChayil

This all sounds incredibly petty.
How SO sorry
OP posts:
Rogue1001 · 14/11/2021 16:54

@EishetChayil

This all sounds incredibly petty.
It absolutely doesn't. What a nasty post
IAAP · 14/11/2021 16:57

Please come and join us on stately homes - your behaviour isn’t wrong - you were a child - his was. He should be nothing but supportive. He’s having a go as you don’t cook your daughter green beans- when he ducked off to America and didn’t give a crap? That’s one two faced bastard

Rogue1001 · 14/11/2021 17:02

@yogaqueenhood, I totally feel your pain.

I imagine your text would have been very, very hard for your dad to read.
Blocking uou is childish of hom, but presumably he hasn't got the courage or maybe the capacity to deal with your words.

I agree with much of Sn0tnose's post, and I think you need some space from him (from each other) for a while

Flowers for what you've been through and congratulations for being a good parent to your daughter

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 17:02

It most definitely is NOT petty.

Your text is both calm and measured OP.

I don't thinknyou have anything to apologise for.

I think you need to give him lots of space.

Fovus on YOUR family.Flowers

TheWholeWorld · 14/11/2021 17:08

In vino veritas!

I think that was a very measured text considering you were drunk. PPs have it right. He had blocked you so he doesn't have to admit he was a shit dad. I don't think you have done anything wrong.

Merryoldgoat · 14/11/2021 17:08

Honestly OP - you need to let this man go. He sounds highly unpleasant.

magicstars · 14/11/2021 17:20

I think if you want to continue to have a relationship with him, then keep a strong guard up. It sounds like he's let you down frequently over the years- he won't change.
If you want to see him (& he agrees), then try to keep him at arms length. Smile & nod at his suggestions, but don't take them seriously.
Honestly though, I imagine going NC with him would actually bring you a sense of relief in the long run. Hard & painful though it will be. You need to get some counselling for not already, to help you see the best way forwards x

magicstars · 14/11/2021 17:21

if

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2021 17:24

Sounds like he's every bit as shit now as when he abandoned you as a child

I think you gave him more chances than he deserves tbh.

You want the dad you should have had but this man will never be that, no matter how much you grovel.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 14/11/2021 17:30

He is being and has been very unreasonable. You sound so grounded and a lovely Mum Flowers

BookFiend4Life · 14/11/2021 18:01

OP I think your text is fine, really. I would just back away now and try to embrace the people who are caring towards you. It really helped me a lot when I internalized that my parents are not perfect people and I don't actually need their approval for anything I do and that it's ok for them to be unhappy with my choices.

When they give me advice I don't like or are questioning my parenting I usually say "thank you for your perspective, we are happy with our choice and it isn't open for discussion" or something like that. Or I refer to "family rules" so something like "in our family we don't call other people names," or "in our family we don't comment on other people's meals" (this is a literal example as my dad always had a lot to say about how much/what other people were eating, I have had to repeat this a few times but he's pretty much stopped doing it) I also say, "you are welcome not to have some if you aren't hungry, no pressure!" If he starts going on about how "people couldn't possibly be hungry after that breakfast". It's like sorry my baby has to eat three meals a day, I don't care what you do. If he told me he was worried my daughter would be heavy I would tell him that the topic is not open for discussion and repeat as necessary/excuse us if he can't let it go. There was a lot of negative body talk in my house growing up and I'm just not going to stand for it.

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