To think my dad will never speak to me again?

[yogaqueenhood]

I have a strained relationship with my dad. I got drunk on Friday night and sent him this message he will now not speak to me. He has blocked my number and won't answer his door. I so badly want to make up with him and at the very least speak to him but he won't respond. Is this message irreparable? I wish I didn't send it. I was just drunk. No excuse I know.

The argument we had the other night - from my view - I walked in and I thought you were in a bad mood. You said Amelia didn’t eat her beans and then you started talking about when you were young how your food would have been binned if you didn’t eat it because they couldn’t afford to make different dinners. I said thankfully I wasn’t in that position with Amelia, she’s a lucky girl that she will never be forced to eat something she doesn’t like due to money. You then said well if she’s not eating well she needs to exercise 3 times a week. Which led me to say that she does exercise. You then said that you worry that she will be heavy and get picked on. At which point I did become defensive and said that was something me and Daniel should worry about. You said that was a hurtful comment to make.

In sure you remember it completely different.

I am doing my best with Amelia, I’m not a perfect parent, as many of us aren’t but I love her, I want her to have a good, long, healthy life but honestly, you have had a busy day at uni, you pick your kid up from school, you go shopping, you come home, homework has to be done, you have to clean the kitchen. You make a dinner that you know they are going to eat. Not because you hate them and want them to become obese, but because it’s easiest. Of course I’d love my daughter to eat green beans and meatloaf. But she won’t and we don’t live in a generation where I think that’s warranted.

Your text really hurt me - if I don’t get over what you did then you don’t want anything to do with me. I didn’t want to say this and am sensitive to how you are feeeling. But from a man that has let his past completely define him as a person, I don’t understand how you expect it to be that easy.

I understand why you left to marry someone. I have been in love several times - I get it. However, I could never and WOULD NEVER leave my daughter. I’d honestly rather die. My daughter comes with me, we are a package. And to have you say that I need to get over the past? Mate my full life has been around getting over my past.

Every single relationship I’ve had has been underlined by this intense fear that they will leave me. I have been on my knees in front of men, clinging to them, begging them not to leave because I’m so terrified that they have seen the weakness in me that you so obviously did.

Amelia came home to me one day and said that her dad had said that he was moving to Spain one day. Daniel came to pick Amelia up and I freaked up, he said he would never leave Amelia, he wasn’t my dad.

Surprisingly despite my upbringing, I have an amazing life. I have the best friends I could ever hope for, me and Amelia have an amazing bond.

I’m not going to apologise anymore. You might not understand what I’ve been through - you’ve been through worse but I’m not going to apologise.

I think that was an incredibly articulate text you sent and that you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. You were polite, you were honest and you opened up about how you felt. His blocking you and refusing to speak shows he is petty, controlling and cannot bear to be criticised in any way - even by someone that is openly telling him how his behaviour made them feel.

You should be extremely proud of yourself by the sounds of things, and he should be ashamed of how poor he has been as a father - both in the past and now.

My own father has many faults but he would never cut any of his children out of his life or refuse to speak to them. Because he's a grown up and (on the whole) a fairly decent father and human being. I agree with pp who say that the relationship you have with him where you beg him to speak to you and walk on eggshells around upsetting him shows that you are repeating the past - a past which has damaged your relationships with men and is due to his actions.

Let it and him go. If he wants to be in your life then he needs to accept that he isn't critical, he isn't controlling/emotionally abusive and he should actually thank his lucky stars to have you and his granddaughter - particularly when a lot of people would have cut him off.

OP learn your lesson, don't run after him. You've done that with too many men before and don't need to do it now, time to let him go. Your text said beautifully exactly how you feel, you couldn't have articulated it better even if being drunk was the only reason you had the guts to send it.

The way he is behaving is like a child, his communication skills are non existent, his understanding of others needs is not there, he is self absorbed, has always had it worse than anyone else and is never wrong from the sounds of it. This is not a stable person that you can have a good relationship with, the good times will always be superficial IMO.

Do you know what trauma bonding is?

You haven't done anything wrong and you need to stop blaming yourself for his behaviour.

Beating yourself up for being traumatised isn't helping either.

If the only relationship you can have with him is toxic and damaging, is that still something you want? If so, why?

Your trauma* won't ever heal while he is continuing to traumatise you with this toxic cycle of coercion and rejection.

*e.g. the way you're always afraid people will abandon you.

OP I walked away from my mum 18 years ago.

Sometimes parents are not the person we need them to be. Your dad cannot change the past and neither can you. You are expecting him to change his behaviour going forward but he can't because he won't/can't accept that he did anything wrong.

Tbh I dont think what he said was that bad. Grating yes, but I dont think it warranted the long essay you sent him. Which all of it was most likely true - but you pulled out the big guns for something quite minor.

He then raised the anti by blocking you (something my mother would have done)
Which then sent you round trying to apologise and him refusing to see you - punishing you.

You want to be around your dad because that little girl in you doesn't want to feel rejected again - even though its a toxic relationship.

He is never going to apologies ( my mother didn't when I visited her three years ago after 15 years of NC)

He is never going to change ( my mother hadn't)

You have to take charge of your own behaviour and step away. Your world will not fall apart.

Thanks everyone, so much for all your opinions. I appreciate them and take it all on board.