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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get more childcare than I need?

51 replies

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 10:18

Caveat - I appreciate it is a privilege to be able to afford more childcare than I strictly need.

My two year old goes to nursery three days per week. These are the days I work full time. In addition to my full time job, I'm retraining in a different field - I fit in studying and training sessions in evenings and on the other days. My husband works full time. We can ask grandparents for a few hours here and there (and should probably ask for more but they are both a 40 minute drive away).

I'm considering putting my daughter into nursery for a day I don't technically work but I feel bad about this. I always wanted as much time with her as possible but the four days we are together are feeling long and boring for us both. I'm stressed trying to do my other work while she naps (which won't last forever) and keep on top of the house etc. We've been renovating the house and we have very little time to get this done, barring taking days off when she is at nursery. We have almost zero time as a couple too.

She loves nursery but she is very tired after three days there. I just feel I need some breathing space but I have a mental block about her going more than three days per week. The pandemic has made her very used to the full attention of BOTH parents. ... we can't even trade off bath/bed because she wants us both there. She wants us both playing with her if we are both in the house.... it feels very suffocating sometimes.

Does anyone else arrange childcare for when they are not working? Any advice on reducing her dependence on both parents? She definitely rules the roost at the moment....

OP posts:

GlmPmum · 14/11/2021 10:22

Do it, one day a week to yourself even if it's not to study or take care of the house. If I didn't do this I'd of cracked up by now. You need to be able to take care of yourself to be able to take care of everyone else. It isn't selfish or a privilege it's an essential need for you and your family x

VainAbigail · 14/11/2021 10:23

I’m interested to understand what and should probably ask for more (childcare off your parents) means.

TotallySuper · 14/11/2021 10:24

Do it. Take the mum guilt on the chin. The rest of the time you spend with her will be more enjoyable for you both as you'll be more relaxed and not stressed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/11/2021 10:24

Not unreasonable at all! I used to take the odd day off work when my LO was in nursery to get on top of my life admin, sometimes to iron. It makes life easier why not?!

Classicblunder · 14/11/2021 10:25

How are you working full time but only using 3 days a week of nursery?

JollyJoon · 14/11/2021 10:25

You "should" ask for more from the grandparents? What?

Your DD shouldn't be calling the shots re both of you having to bathe and bed you. That's ridiculous.

JollyJoon · 14/11/2021 10:26

*her

LeroyJenkinssss · 14/11/2021 10:26

I’m a firm believer of having access to child free time so that you can enjoy the time together without trying to jam everything else in too. My DH is an excellent SAHP and both our dc went to preschool for three days to give him a bit of him time.

Original poster

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 10:29

I mean grandparents would be happy to do some childcare if we actually asked for a regular slot. They look after other grandchildren regularly too but I suppose we have tried to avoid being a burden to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 10:30

Thank you to those who have suggested I shouldn't free guilty about it!

To clarify, I work three full days in the days she goes to nursery.

OP posts:

RoomOfRequirement · 14/11/2021 10:44

@Classicblunder

How are you working full time but only using 3 days a week of nursery?

I work FT over 3 days, I just work long hours on those 3 days.

Classicblunder · 14/11/2021 10:54

I was trying to figure out if you were doing compressed hours or just 3 normal days because compressed is pretty intense.

I think you do need to reduce the intensity level of your 2 year old, not just use more childcare (by all means do that as well). My older one was like this - I think partly our fault as we spent so long trying for a child that we were really full on with him. What worked for us - other than having another baby! - was stuff like booking activities Saturday and Sunday mornings and taking it in turns to take him, it just gave us each some breathing space

Steelesauce · 14/11/2021 10:58

I work 12 hours shifts 3 days a week, my kids all go school/preschool full time (my mum has them the 3 days I work before/after school). I feel no guilt, I use the days I have when they're at school to clean, catch up on jobs, go to the gym and meet my friends for coffee. Sanity is needed as well as family time. It makes me a better Mum when we are all together, I have no partner so I need that time!

reluctantbrit · 14/11/2021 10:58

DD was in nursery a day more than I needed from start. Best thing we did. Every now and then I kept her at home if we wanted to do something special but In General I used the time for housework, admin, child free shopping and also for me.

Jabvribt · 14/11/2021 11:04

It sounds like you need the extra time to do your work stuff so I’m not sure it’s actually more than you need. It’s also better to use childcare to get the stuff in the house sorted then have time to care for her.
In terms of reducing dependence on having you both there you just have to do it and accept that the first few times there will be tantrums.

TheLastLonelyBakedBean · 14/11/2021 11:07

My DC have always been in childcare as much as I could afford. I use most of it for work or study but don't feel guilty when I use it to get a haircut or go for a coffee with a friend or watch tv/nap if I'm feeling under the weather. I don't feel guilty for doing that, but I did when I first started it many years ago, now on my lash DC who isn't at school and I don't feel the guilt any more.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 14/11/2021 11:08

I’d add an extra nursery day, yes.

I wouldn’t stand for her demanding you both pay attention to her, play with her and do bed/bath together! No wonder it feels suffocating. You’ll end up resenting her if you let her dictate how you live! It’s not healthy for her to think she can rule the roost either. What happens if you say ‘daddy’s doing bedtime tonight’?

TheLastLonelyBakedBean · 14/11/2021 11:16

It was pointed out to me that when children rule the roost it doesn't make them happy, It makes them feel insecure. That although children push against boundaries, not only do they keep them safe they also make them feel safe. That to be 'ruling the roost' is actually a very scary place for a child. The word 'no' is a gift to a young child.

Tumbleweed101 · 14/11/2021 11:18

My children are older and in school, I work my hours over four days. That day at home child free has saved my sanity and my house on many occasion over the years. Dont feel guilty in taking a bit of time to get the other things done.

Original poster

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 11:20

Thank you for the supportive messages!

I work about 10 hours per day on the nursery days so not quite full time.

We do feel utterly dictated to by her. If we say 'no', mummy is doing something else it is a full scale tantrum. And it's our own fault - of course she's going to wonder why the routine has suddenly changed! She's quite a particular toddler, very attached to routine (normal I think?) so she will find the changes difficult. I know most parents feel like they should spend more time with their children and I feel guilty for feeling like we maybe spend a little too much time together...

OP posts:

Original poster

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 11:22

@TheLastLonelyBakedBean

That's really interesting thank you. I'm painfully aware that we need some more boundaries in this house!

OP posts:

TotallySuper · 14/11/2021 11:25

@Morechildcare

Thank you for the supportive messages!

I work about 10 hours per day on the nursery days so not quite full time.

Let her tantrum and get it out of her system. Carry on bathing her/changing her etc whilst she kicks off if you need to. She won't ever change if you just let her get her own way by throwing a fit every time. All toddlers like routine but change is good.

FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2021 11:28

Time to stop a two year old ruling the household. Ride out the tantrums - it won’t be nice but it won’t last forever. If she gets used to parental authority now, you’ll go through less hell when she’s 5, 10 or 16.

moocow123 · 14/11/2021 11:28

I would do it.

A day to be able to revise/do some housework and hopefully relax a bit is so needed.

If I could afford to do it, I absolutely would.

Fleur405 · 14/11/2021 11:33

I have a cleaner because I don’t want to spend all my time off doing the housework. I don’t see why it’s any different to send your daughter to nursery for an extra day especially given that you work quite long hours on the days you are working and are studying.

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