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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get more childcare than I need?

51 replies

Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 10:18

Caveat - I appreciate it is a privilege to be able to afford more childcare than I strictly need.

My two year old goes to nursery three days per week. These are the days I work full time. In addition to my full time job, I'm retraining in a different field - I fit in studying and training sessions in evenings and on the other days. My husband works full time. We can ask grandparents for a few hours here and there (and should probably ask for more but they are both a 40 minute drive away).

I'm considering putting my daughter into nursery for a day I don't technically work but I feel bad about this. I always wanted as much time with her as possible but the four days we are together are feeling long and boring for us both. I'm stressed trying to do my other work while she naps (which won't last forever) and keep on top of the house etc. We've been renovating the house and we have very little time to get this done, barring taking days off when she is at nursery. We have almost zero time as a couple too.

She loves nursery but she is very tired after three days there. I just feel I need some breathing space but I have a mental block about her going more than three days per week. The pandemic has made her very used to the full attention of BOTH parents. ... we can't even trade off bath/bed because she wants us both there. She wants us both playing with her if we are both in the house.... it feels very suffocating sometimes.

Does anyone else arrange childcare for when they are not working? Any advice on reducing her dependence on both parents? She definitely rules the roost at the moment....

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 14/11/2021 11:33

she wants us both there.She wants us both playing with her if we are both in the house

We do feel utterly dictated to by her this is your issue. She cant be the boss. Or she will constantly ''need you both'' beside her for everything

Notimeforaname · 14/11/2021 11:34

Also, yanbu to take the time you need!! You were a whole person before you became a mother and you still are now.

Original poster
Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 11:36

Yes, having written it down, I can see this is a behavioural issue as well as a time thing.

I wfh so I feel chained to my desk and then spend 4 days playing at home/Park/garden/toddler activity/toddler swimming. I cannot remember the last night I wore non-toddler safe clothes and went somewhere on my own or with my husband. I will seriously broach the issue of another day in nursery, maybe even just starting with the morning only and then come home for her nap which would give me 9-3 once a week.

OP posts:
Pepsipepsi · 14/11/2021 11:38

@Morechildcare how about you phase in the extra nursery day slowly. Say one week 3 days, the next 4 and alternate and you can see how both of you manage it. You'll soon find out which your preferred option is then.

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2021 11:40

Do it. You can always pick her up early on the ‘extra’ day - or book her in for 1/2 a day and ask grandparents to collect and have her for the afternoon? She’ll get used to the new routine.

You can’t work 10-hour days, plus study and look after a 2-year-old and keep all the house stuff turning, it’s unrealistic.

That extra day will also give you a bit of strength to deal with boundary-setting.

I’m guessing you need the time away from her but when she kicks off with your DP he can’t cope with it and so you step back in?

Notimeforaname · 14/11/2021 11:40

Yes do take the extra day so you can get your own things done.

And maybe ask the grandparents if they could have her the odd weekend day or evening ...so you and your husband can have some time together!

SparklyLeprechaun · 14/11/2021 11:40

I thought you were going to say you wanted ft nursery and a nanny or something like this. One extra day in nursery to enable you to do other things is nothing and perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 11:50

@NoSquirrels

Do it. You can always pick her up early on the ‘extra’ day - or book her in for 1/2 a day and ask grandparents to collect and have her for the afternoon? She’ll get used to the new routine.

You can’t work 10-hour days, plus study and look after a 2-year-old and keep all the house stuff turning, it’s unrealistic.

That extra day will also give you a bit of strength to deal with boundary-setting.

I’m guessing you need the time away from her but when she kicks off with your DP he can’t cope with it and so you step back in?

Thank you.

Yes husband not the best at de-escalation tactics.... but we both feel so worn down that we've both lost our nerve at holding firm

OP posts:
clarepetal · 14/11/2021 11:50

Do it, and don't feel guilty x

Kitkat151 · 14/11/2021 11:58

It’s fine...,my GD will be getting her 30 hours after Christmas and will go 5 days a week....my DD only works 2 days.

Derbee · 14/11/2021 12:10

This is a personal decision that only you can make. Some people will tell you that it’s damaging to spend too much time at home with a parent, others will think you’re a monster for doing 2 full days of nursery, never mind 3. Do what suits your family, and your child

funinthesun19 · 14/11/2021 12:25

Do it OP and don’t feel guilty.

Original poster
Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 12:45

@Derbee

This is a personal decision that only you can make. Some people will tell you that it’s damaging to spend too much time at home with a parent, others will think you’re a monster for doing 2 full days of nursery, never mind 3. Do what suits your family, and your child
Well yes. I think part time can be the worst of both worlds. I don't have a network of friends for play dates like a SAHM might develop (my kids friends are all in nursery) and I don't have family near enough to 'pop-in' for a few hours. My husband has the car at work too so my toddler days are becoming more difficult as she gets older. Maybe she's just at the age where we start to reassess childcare. I don't really like the idea of a constant stream of different arrangements like nursery, one set of GPS, then the other. I'd prefer to keep it simple and consistent and think she would too.
OP posts:
OneDayInMyLife · 14/11/2021 12:50

You are actually doing her a disservice to her by allowing her to rule the roast. The poster above who talked about a child feeling scared is 100% correct. She has a tantrum because she knows you will back down. It's really important to not back down.

Cruel to be kind springs to mind.

Oh and definitely have a day to yourself.

Atozofpoodles · 14/11/2021 12:52

Nothing wrong at all with using extra childcare. But as you have said you need to sort out the dependance on both of you.

ronfa · 14/11/2021 12:53

Does anyone else arrange childcare for when they are not working?

I'm tto & often use childcare during the holidays, my dc want to do clubs etc.

I also used childcare for older ones when I was mat leave.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/11/2021 12:57

Of course, you need the time to keep in top of things.
Anyone I know who finishes early on a Friday enjoys their afternoon off before collecting their DC after 5pm.
It is no harm.

DGFB · 14/11/2021 12:59

Of course she should go to nursery an extra day.
And of course you should let her have her tantrums while you ignore her. Don’t reinforce this behaviour where she demands both of you.

GTAlogic · 14/11/2021 13:02

Do it and don't feel guilty. I used to regularly leave my dc in nursery when I wasn't working and enjoy the day to myself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Original poster
Morechildcare · 14/11/2021 13:03

@OneDayInMyLife

You are actually doing her a disservice to her by allowing her to rule the roast. The poster above who talked about a child feeling scared is 100% correct. She has a tantrum because she knows you will back down. It's really important to not back down.

Cruel to be kind springs to mind.

Oh and definitely have a day to yourself.

Yes I know, totally agree. We have been scarred by some really epic tantrums.

I feel very adrift in my parenting philosophy...any book recommendations would be much appreciated too! I'd love my husband and I to really get clear on how we are parenting.

OP posts:
Blondiecub0109 · 14/11/2021 13:34

Do it.

Re the behaviour and boundaries - big little feelings if you are on Instagram

Book: How to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk - Faber& kingmaker

allofthecheese · 14/11/2021 13:36

Absolutely do this and don't feel guilty.

megletthesecond · 14/11/2021 13:38

I did this. One day where I could tidy up, go to the gym and shopping without the dc's under foot.

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2021 13:50

@Blondiecub0109

Do it.

Re the behaviour and boundaries - big little feelings if you are on Instagram

Book: How to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk - Faber& kingmaker

Seconding the ‘How to Talk’ series. Very helpful and respectful of all family dynamics.
LaPufalina · 14/11/2021 19:50

Motherkind podcast has some excellent guests that may help!
Also, watching Bluey has helped me be a better parent Blush