Page 3 | When should they ask for second date?

Leonardo87 · 2021-11-14T08:35:27+00:00

Hey guys 34/F he is 33/M I had a good first date with a guy from Hinge Friday night, meant to be a coffee but we ended up drinks and dinner until closing time. He said he would like to do something again and enjoyed the date, He got the bill so I said I would get the next one 😊 and we had a kiss quickly whilst I was waiting on taxi. He has texted a little yesterday but did not reply to my message last night. I assume he is speaking to others as that us the nature of online dating. Usually I find guys are fairly swift at letting you know the next day on way or the other if they want to see you again? AIBU to think he is not interested / looking at better options if he has not let me know by the end of this weekend? Love x

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 15:04

@AttaGirrrrl

Dear god. “Courtesy” to go on a second date? Do you not see what you’re saying? No one owes anyone anything after one date.

Ok fair, that was a bad choice of word

She wants to see him again, I don’t see why anyone’s suggesting she should sit about like some wallflower being asked to dance.

And she has the excuse of ‘I owe you a meal/drink’ which makes it easier to ask if he wants to do it again.

AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 15:12

Yeah. I agree with you about that bit

bucketsoflove · 14/11/2021 15:15

Go into the relationship as an equal and stay that way.

CharlotteRose90 · 14/11/2021 15:21

Yeah I think with online dating you know more or less within 24 hours if there’s another date. I went through this recently and the guy was a dick and didn’t reply to us going out again. Shows all you need to know:

1u1a · 14/11/2021 15:29

LawnFever - she may want to see him again but so what - it takes two to tango. If he doesn’t want to see her, then what’s the point? I don’t get this logic either about having an ‘excuse’ to contact him? As if she could just change his mind if she could only persuade him to go on another date . No wonder women end up with deadbeat men if they have to work this hard these days. Christ on a bike! I don’t understand MN sometimes.

It’s the same thing with “I’ve been with my DP seven years and he still hasn’t proposed, even though he knows I want marriage.” Chorus of MN - “Propose to him!” Yes, I’m sure he’ll be delighted .

peboh · 14/11/2021 15:34

When I first met my dh through OLD, he set up the first date and I messaged a couple days later asking if he was up for a second one. (I was 20 at the time)
I really struggled with the idea that people in their 30's still buy into the idea that a man has to make every move. It isn't a game, if you enjoyed yourself and wish to see him again then you should just message and see if he's up for a second date. You'll know pretty quickly if he isn't, and if that's the case you walk away. If he is, then great. Either way no harm has come from you putting your foot forward and messaging first.

GrandmasCat · 14/11/2021 15:41

No, men do not need to do all the moves whether you are in your 20s or your 50s but she has sent two messages already and has no replies so at best she is temporarily on the bench or he is not interested, he may grow to be interested but sending a third text when no reply may make him feel as if she is too pushy.

bucketsoflove · 14/11/2021 15:42

I see that advice differently @1u1a . If women are equal in a partnership then they should not sit around waiting for him to propose, it's passive and gives him all the control.
If a woman wants to get married she should propose or at least raise the subject and see where that conversation takes them. If her partner is clearly not keen then she knows where she stands.
And she gets to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing with or not. She understands his boundaries and gets to decide her own.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:04

Hes on a dating app so he could have been on another date last night and likes her better, who knows? Or already been 2/3 dates in with another girl.

You know, meeting someone online doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. In fact, it gives you much more time to get to know someone before you actually meet them.

I'd want to know whether someone's dating multiple people before I wasted my time meeting them.

1u1a · 14/11/2021 16:17

I understand what you’re getting at bucketsoflove. The fact is though, there is no point in being with a passive man who makes no effort because these men don’t change. If there’s no effort in the beginning, imagine what it will be like 29 years in! Look at the women on AIBU now whose husbands think it’s ok to give them their old iPad for Xmas (!) - or a £4.50 pen for their 50th. I bet these men made no effort in the dating stage and the women had to make excuses for them and put in the effort for them. The writing would have been in the wall back then - very clearly. You reap what you’re prepared to put up with, in my view.

Incywinceyspider · 14/11/2021 16:38

She went on the date less than 48 hours ago and he texted her yesterday. Honestly I'd give it at least until tuesday before you write him off!

Original poster

Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 17:16

Thats for all the interesting replies girls - I do tend to sit back and watch their actions to be honest with dating to get a flavour of how keen they are. I also think a date is like an event, rather than a commitment that things will go any further. However, I HATE when they allude to the date going well on the date, they are keen to see you again and almost future fake during the date. That really irritates me - just say nothing. In saying that some of the guys who have arranged dates and been very attentive very quickly have rushed me through just to get sex. I have also had one guy buy me a coat (Canada Goose) between the 1st and 2nd date and he of course, ended up as a nutter. It is really hard to tell. You do not want a love bomber, but you do not want silence - somewhere in the middle 😂

I have not heard from him today at all. So I will just take it as a nice date for now, maybe he was annoyed I did not have sex with him? I did not get that player vibe from him if I am honest. Who knows?

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Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 17:20

@1u1a

I understand what you’re getting at bucketsoflove. The fact is though, there is no point in being with a passive man who makes no effort because these men don’t change. If there’s no effort in the beginning, imagine what it will be like 29 years in! Look at the women on AIBU now whose husbands think it’s ok to give them their old iPad for Xmas (!) - or a £4.50 pen for their 50th. I bet these men made no effort in the dating stage and the women had to make excuses for them and put in the effort for them. The writing would have been in the wall back then - very clearly. You reap what you’re prepared to put up with, in my view.

I have to agree with this. I follow FDS on Reddit and they have some great advice. Some of it can be triggering but loads of great advice. I have seen too many friends struggle through nonsense relationships and although I find dating situations like this stressful, I would rather be single that put up with their husbands.

I would say my expectations for OLD are low, but standards stay high. If a man I am ‘dating’ has not texted me for 24 hours he clearly does not give a shit if someone else is wining and dining me.

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Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 17:23

@girlmom21

Hes on a dating app so he could have been on another date last night and likes her better, who knows? Or already been 2/3 dates in with another girl.

You know, meeting someone online doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. In fact, it gives you much more time to get to know someone before you actually meet them.

I'd want to know whether someone's dating multiple people before I wasted my time meeting them.

Alot of them lie. I met one a couple of years ago who told me him and his ex had broken up a year ago - they had not. I had one friend who met someone online who she dated for a year and he was married. Another friend dated a guy for six months or so and did not tell her he had three children. Seriously. Its scary. So I appreciate the sentiment of asking, but some people (male and female) - will lie to get whatever they want at the time.

Sad

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DillonPanthersTexas · 14/11/2021 17:26

@rookiemere maybe he equally is looking for an uncomplicated woman who just says she’d like to see him again rather than being expected to do all the asking

I never got my head around these childish games as to who is obliged to make first moves or follow up 1st dates. If you like the person just bloody say so and organise a meet.

I am bloke, I have run the gauntlet of OLD and was bemused by a few women who after promising first dates fell off the radar when I followed up with a call that went straight to voicemail with no return contact from them. I just assumed they were not interested and I moved on only to get a whiny text message several days later wondering where I had gone, further enquiries established that they were waiting for me to contact them a few times before they responded in order to prove I was really interested. They were early 30s supposedly adult women. The best date I had involved her messaging me when I was on the way home informing me she had had great time and would like to see me again. I was actually going to send something similar but she got there first. I pinged back in agreement and suggested we meet later that week. Two years later we got married.

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Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 17:30

I appreciate this - but I did text him twice yesterday. Clearly the ball is in his court. And I would never send a whiny message asking where he had gone - I respect his choice to change his mind at any time. X

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1u1a · 14/11/2021 18:00

Good for you OP. I’m older than you (late 40s) so missed this whole phenomenon of online dating. It certainly does seem to be the case that expectations are low these days, as you say, but you are absolutely right to keep your own personal standards high nevertheless..You are better off single than dealing with clueless men who don’t know their arse from their elbow. There are so many divs at large it seems these days. There always were, to be fair, but OLD makes it too easy for them. Especially as some women make so many excuses for shoddy behaviour. I can’t be doing with it. Nothing less attractive than an indirect or game-playing man.

Anyway, as one door closes, others open... Good luck!

Original poster

Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 18:26

@1u1a

Good for you OP. I’m older than you (late 40s) so missed this whole phenomenon of online dating. It certainly does seem to be the case that expectations are low these days, as you say, but you are absolutely right to keep your own personal standards high nevertheless..You are better off single than dealing with clueless men who don’t know their arse from their elbow. There are so many divs at large it seems these days. There always were, to be fair, but OLD makes it too easy for them. Especially as some women make so many excuses for shoddy behaviour. I can’t be doing with it. Nothing less attractive than an indirect or game-playing man.

Anyway, as one door closes, others open... Good luck!

In fairness the safest ones are the ones who are upfront that they just want sex - I met one who is a lad about town type - did not sleep with him, he told me that was all he was after and did not want to waste my time - but we then somehow became friends and not in a sleazy way. We now meet up in groups and laugh about it. He is such a funny, sweet guy but has never been able to continue a long term relationship but he is so open about it. In fairness he is completely gorgeous and so secure in himself (and will always have woman keen to have sex with him)!

The nasties are the ones who pretend they are decent guys looking for relationships and manipulate coherse etc into a situationship. It is appauling. They throw their toys out the pram when they realise they will not get sex from you and act like children. Online dating has given these losers the ability to do that more. There has always been guys like this but they can hide behind the guise of their phones. The lower the bar gets the more the liberal feminists get themselves into these ‘chill girl’ situationships which always end up in tears after a few weeks, months or years in the worst case scenario.

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WellBuggerMeSideways · 14/11/2021 21:01

I'd say he's not interested. I just went on a first date. We spent the best part of 6 hours together, kissed, went our separate ways and still messaged all night/ most of the day today.

The next date was planned for about 10min after he left. For the first time in my life, it's been incredibly easy and even if it doesn't work out, I now know not to accept anything less next time.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 21:02

@Leonardo87

I appreciate this - but I did text him twice yesterday. Clearly the ball is in his court. And I would never send a whiny message asking where he had gone - I respect his choice to change his mind at any time. X

Yeah he's not interested. I think even if he messages now it's too late. No ones got the patience for games like this.

Original poster

Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 21:10

Agree

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Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 21:12

@WellBuggerMeSideways

I'd say he's not interested. I just went on a first date. We spent the best part of 6 hours together, kissed, went our separate ways and still messaged all night/ most of the day today.

The next date was planned for about 10min after he left. For the first time in my life, it's been incredibly easy and even if it doesn't work out, I now know not to accept anything less next time.

Yes I have had this before - or a message the next day to politely say not interested. Never radio silence like this - so weird. Deleted his number at lunchtime anyway.

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