Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When should they ask for second date?

72 replies

Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 08:35

Hey guys 34/F he is 33/M

I had a good first date with a guy from Hinge Friday night, meant to be a coffee but we ended up drinks and dinner until closing time. He said he would like to do something again and enjoyed the date, He got the bill so I said I would get the next one 😊 and we had a kiss quickly whilst I was waiting on taxi.

He has texted a little yesterday but did not reply to my message last night.

I assume he is speaking to others as that us the nature of online dating.

Usually I find guys are fairly swift at letting you know the next day on way or the other if they want to see you again? AIBU to think he is not interested / looking at better options if he has not let me know by the end of this weekend?

Love x

OP posts:
Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 10:28

@Itsbeen84yearss

Nah. Men who say they’re not confident with girls want you to do the work usually. Doesn’t end well. I only ever gave them one chit chat text following a date and then only responded to a date request. Definitely no asking them but I’m old fashioned. You’ve definitely done more than enough to show interest. If he continues to text with no date request he’s ‘benching’ you for a rainy day. I dated a ton before dh and the interested ones always set up a date within 24 hours. My dh used to come to our dates with a plan for our next date and ask me at the beginning.
This is what has happened to me - they have usually let me know they want to see me again. Usually the next day via text or I get the ‘not interested blah’ text but never this. I have given him one chit chat text. I have now changed my mind about asking again.
OP posts:
laurenGame · 14/11/2021 10:36

I'm the same age as you.

Sorry but I'm going against the grain here and say that no you shouldn't ask him. I've dated a lot and whenever I was questioning a guy, or deciding to show initiative when he was quiet, it never worked out.

I agree with you that if a guy is keep then you hear from a lot after the first date.

I have met two guys, liked them both. They both lived in a different city to me. First guy messaged me at 4pm Hmm saying he was in my city and he would love to see me. I said im busy and would be nice if he messaged earlier. Ironically the second guy messaged me the next week and said he wanted to see me and would I like to spend long weekend with him in his city next month, if he got me a flight would I come?

I'm still with the second guy, we are having a baby. Second guy really wanted to make time to see me. Whereas the first one was seeing me out of convenience.
My opinion is go for a guy who is really keen on you, when you don't have to wonder whether he likes you or not.

1u1a · 14/11/2021 10:43

Yes, if you have to chase or drag a man on a date then it’s a waste of time. He knows full-well the onus is on him now to text you. It’s not that hard is it! I hope he does OP, but, if not, better to find out sooner rather than later. Life really is too short for wishy-washy men. Also, ‘wishy-washy’ is a very unattractive quality in a man, I always thought.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:22

I am not messaging him now

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 14/11/2021 11:26

What's to lose though? He either says yes or no. If you want to date him ask. If you don't don't. I can not understand working yourself into knots over a text. I asked my now husband on our first date.

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 11:26

@Leonardo87

I am not messaging him now
I think it’s actually quite rude not to text since he paid the bill for your first date & you owe him for another.
LawnFever · 14/11/2021 11:28

Yes, if you have to chase or drag a man on a date then it’s a waste of time.

Saying, ‘hey I owe you a drink/meal back for the other night, are you free X’ is hardly dragging anyone anywhere.

Honestly, no wonder men often think women are complicated.

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 11:32

[quote Itsbeen84yearss]**@girlmom21* nope @yogaqueenhood* is spot on. It’s like buying a house. When it’s the dream home you don’t wait around for someone else to put an offer in, you get in there straight away. It’s the same when men meet women they like.[/quote]
Why do you see the onus being on the man to decide if he wants to progress a relationship, why can’t a woman do the same with a man she likes?

A lot of the responses on this thread are incredibly old fashioned Grin

AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 11:37

To answer your question, when online dating I found that men tended to suggest a second date at the end of the first if they were interested (which it kind of sounds like he did?) or text the next day to politely say that there wasn’t a spark if they weren’t.

In your situation, I don’t think you have anything to lose by suggesting the second date as you had the kiss at the end and have had some contact since. Suggest the second date, see where it ends up. If you find it’s always you suggesting things, then back off.

I think it’s actually quite rude not to text since he paid the bill for your first date & you owe him for another.

I doubt you meant it badly @LawnFever but this is terrifyingly bad advice. No one owes anyone anything after a date. He chose to pay. You can choose to see him or not see him. As can he.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:37

I messaged him last last night and he has not messaged me back - so it is not rude at all. And I messaged him yesterday.

OP posts:
1u1a · 14/11/2021 11:38

If he feels slightly ‘meh’ overall - who needs that? Saying you ‘owe him dinner’ might tip the balance and he might think, “oh whatever, I’ll give it a go then.” But who wants “meh?” If he’s interested, he’ll contact her. As the English saying goes, “You can take the horse to water but you can’t make it drink.’

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:39

@AttaGirrrrl

To answer your question, when online dating I found that men tended to suggest a second date at the end of the first if they were interested (which it kind of sounds like he did?) or text the next day to politely say that there wasn’t a spark if they weren’t.

In your situation, I don’t think you have anything to lose by suggesting the second date as you had the kiss at the end and have had some contact since. Suggest the second date, see where it ends up. If you find it’s always you suggesting things, then back off.

I think it’s actually quite rude not to text since he paid the bill for your first date & you owe him for another.

I doubt you meant it badly @LawnFever but this is terrifyingly bad advice. No one owes anyone anything after a date. He chose to pay. You can choose to see him or not see him. As can he.

This is what I have found. They either suggest and follow it up with a message - or the next day will politely say there was not a spark. I have never had it like this where it is inbetween.
OP posts:
cowburp · 14/11/2021 11:41

So have you asked him if he wants to go out for a curry( or whatever) next weekend or what?

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:43

Cowburp no. I am just leaving it now. As I messaged him yesterday evening with no reply. I also messaged him yesterday to ask how the rugby was. So I will just leave it for the day. If he texts I will reply.

OP posts:
1u1a · 14/11/2021 11:44

She has already messaged him twice! The ball is firmly in his court now.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/11/2021 11:44

I too am going to go against the grain yes it's 2021 and all that but don't ask him out. If he wants to go out with you again he'll find a way.

cowburp · 14/11/2021 11:45

Yeah fair enough just leave it now and assume he's not interested

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:51

@cowburp

Yeah fair enough just leave it now and assume he's not interested
Hes on a dating app so he could have been on another date last night and likes her better, who knows? Or already been 2/3 dates in with another girl. I think when guys give you a hint of this wishy washiness there is some interest there, not enough to commit to really pushing forward but you are option enough to not commit to cutting it off entirely with a ‘no spark’ text. Its exhausting. I would rather know either way.
OP posts:
cowburp · 14/11/2021 11:52

I would rather know either way. I agree. So I don't think this is the guy for you. You deserve someone who knows if they want to see you again, not someone keeping you as a back up option

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 11:54

@cowburp

I would rather know either way. I agree. So I don't think this is the guy for you. You deserve someone who knows if they want to see you again, not someone keeping you as a back up option
Yep - a quick message in the morning the next day suffices to let someone know either way. I doubt he has even thought twice about it. 😂
OP posts:
Original poster
Leonardo87 · 14/11/2021 12:00

@cowburp

I would rather know either way. I agree. So I don't think this is the guy for you. You deserve someone who knows if they want to see you again, not someone keeping you as a back up option
Now I am thinking about it - it is actually plain disrespectful to ignore my message last night and not let me know either way. I am kinda angry now
OP posts:
AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 12:00

I think you’ve answered your own question now Grin

Get back on Hinge. Next…!

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 12:02

I doubt you meant it badly @LawnFever* but this is terrifyingly bad advice. No one owes anyone anything after a date. He chose to pay. You can choose to see him or not see him. As can he.

Imagine this was the other way round, woman posts and says she’s been on a date with a man, she picked up the bill and suggested he paid next time.

Since then he’s not suggested another date.

Everyone would be up in bloody arms saying he was tight fisted and scamming her.

It’s only the same courtesy, and a reason for her to suggest another date.

SarahBellam · 14/11/2021 12:09

You’ve messaged twice to no reply. I think you can safely say you’re done.

AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 13:02

Dear god. “Courtesy” to go on a second date? Do you not see what you’re saying? No one owes anyone anything after one date.

Swipe left for the next trending thread