AIBU to think EX is lying about having depression

[BueenQee]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible.

Ex and I split 2.5 years ago when DS was 5 weeks old (I ended it) and he put me through hell for the first few months afterwards - constantly texting me saying I was an unfit mother, name calling, telling me I was mentally unstable, lying to his family about me which resulted in his mum calling my GP to tell them she thought I had PND (amongst other things) - until I blocked him from everything and went no contact.

After a few months of NC he contacted me by email and we sorted things out and became friends again. DS has suspected ASD so we have attended appointments together...taken the kids on days out... etc, so have been in each other’s company often.

A few months ago I started to receive messages from a random Facebook account. At first, I didn’t reply but the person was very persistent, sending me messages A LOT and the style of writing was very similar to my EX so I became suspicious and replied to try and catch them out. This went on for weeks, and I literally felt like I was going off my head. I reverse image searched one of the profile pictures and found the real persons Instagram account so I then knew the Facebook account that had been messaging me was fake but still had no proof it was my ex. I contacted my ex and explained I knew he was behind the fake profile and that I had found the real persona social media but he ignored the message. So I contacted the guy who’s content was being taken to let him know so he could have the fake account removed. He asked me if I had any idea who was behind it and I explained I thought it may be my ex as the way they wrote was very similar, they spelled certain words the same way, they overused emojis...etc. This guy contacted my ex and what followed was the worst 3 weeks emotionally that I have ever dealt with in my life.

The lies, manipulation, gaslighting, my ex tried to turn it all around and make out I was some crazy ex who was obsessed with him and it was me who was behind the fake account, he said I made it up so I could pin it on him because he’s not been arsed with me since we split. I ended up having to contact the police and when I showed them everything - all the messages from the fake account & the emails from him - the police believed me and they went and spoke to him. But even then he continued to send me threatening emails saying he had filled the police in on a few blanks and I was going to get done with wasting police time.

Honestly, I felt like I was going crazy. It was hell. So I tried everything to get into the fake Facebook account so I could get the IP logs as this was the only way I could 100% know my ex was behind the face account. My ex had a lot of email addresses so I tried them with a password he used to use for nextflix and after the 3rd or 4th attempt I got into the fake account. So I screen shotted the IP logs and contacted my ex asking him to send a screenshot of the IP like he’s from his own Facebook account to see if any of them matched. I got a few excuses at first saying he couldn’t then he sent me an email confessing everything. It was like an extract from a book.

I know this all sounds so far fetched and crazy but this was my reality for a few months.

I obviously cut contact when he admitted everything and I spoke with DS child development officer, health visitor and speech and language, I explained I was really concerned about ex’s mental health and was worried about leaving DS with him. They all agreed that I should only allow supervised contact. I contacted ex’s mum and sister and explained everything to them, they also agreed it should be supervised contact going forward.

Ex continued to contact me saying the reason he did what he did was because he was suffering from depression and became obsessed with me. I don’t believe he had depression as every time I saw him he did not show any signs of mental illness. The professionals dealing with DS said the same, any time they saw my ex he presented himself as being a completely normal, articulate, intelligent, level headed guy. That’s the scary thing, he is highly intelligent and has a very successful job yet he seems to become someone else when he’s on his own??

The reason I’m writing this is because he’s still contacting my by email, albeit I haven’t replied, saying I need to let go of the hatred I feel for him and accept that he wasn’t emotionally well and that’s why he did all this stuff. He’s completely fine now and we need to start communicating and being civil to each other for DS sake. Well, wasn’t thinking of DS when he was stealing and catfishing me from a fake profile! And the amount of effort that went into the fake profile is scary! He was stealing this random guys pictures, screen recording his videos and had even made up a second fake account to make it look like the fake account had a friend.

So am I wrong to disbelieve him that he is suffering from depression? I actually think he has some sort of personality disorder. I sincerely don’t ever want to speak to or see him again after what he put me though. Am I wrong for feeling like this or should I give him the benefit of the doubt for DS sake?

I don’t see whether he does or doesn’t have depression matters. It doesn’t give him an excuse to behave how he has regardless. Just ignore him and don’t send any messages unless it is essential to do with your child.

@FanGirlX

When he confessed, he said he had been using anabolic steroids and drinking heavily, yes. Although as I’ve said before, he didn’t show any signs of this when I was in his company. He appeared completely normal.

To everyone asking why I didn’t ignore & block - at first I did. Then another profile was made, (pretending to be the same person but from an old account) and started messaging me. Initially I ignored this too but it continued to message me and one day I replied asking for a phone number or business page as this person was claiming to be a personal trainer. He didn’t reply for ages then sent a phone number and when I checked WhatsApp, it was a brand new account. He had gotten a PAYG sim and put it into his work phone. This isn’t just a case of someone making a fake account and sending a few messages, he was going to great lengths to try and make this fake profile look real. He was pretending to be someone else (who actually is a PT), stealing their pictures and videos, messaging people from the fake account. He had to be exposed. A fake account and a few messages isn’t the issue here. The manipulation...threats...gaslighting... is the issue. The fact that my sons father who I was friends with at the time had seemingly lost the plot, completely out of the blue - all of this came from nowhere. I was concerned leaving my son n with someone who I didn’t know what state they were in mentally. I’ve probably been too vague in this post but if I was to sit here and write everything that had happened, I’d be here for hours.

And the reality here is no one who is of sound mind makes fake profiles. That is insane behaviour. So I honestly don’t know how anyone this has happened to could just block and ignore and leave this person to it. Especially where kids are involved, how on Earth could you leave your kids with someone who displays this type of behaviour. It’s basically stalking.

Yes I would have ignored, I don’t speak to my ex at all and honestly would even read a Facebook message from someone I didn’t know let alone respond to it

@TurnUpTurnip

So say I hadn’t exposed him and then something happened to my son when he was in his dads care? Would you still be of the same opinion?

If you think your ex is a danger to the child he shouldn’t be having any contact at all, my ex has no contact with my kids. You should stop contact and make him take you to court (if he would even bother?) if you think he is a danger. I don’t read messages of people I don’t know on Facebook it’s the simple.

But I’m not sure making a fake profile would be enough to stop contact anyway, I’ve known of people to make fake profiles to check on their ex it really isn’t that unusual. Do you think he will hurt your son?

Oh, ok so I should have just stopped contact without any proof? Yes that would have worked.

It doesn't matter whatever justification he feels he has. The fact is his behaviours were unforgivable. He did them. They were too far over the line. There's no guarantee he won't do that again. You have to deal with him at arm's length permanently because of his behaviour. You don't owe him anything anyway, you don't have to fix him or try to understand. You need to protect yourself and your child. Those are your only concerns. Cut off the emotions with him. It's the easiest way to handle someone who is trying to be manipulative. Remember they have no power, you don't have to like them or be nice - you expect only what you'd expect from a stranger. Do not discuss anything about feelings at all. Best wishes. This kind of sick action can really knock your trust in others.

Sounds like you’re one of the ones who make fake profiles tbh as you seem to be pretty defensive of this behaviour. He didn’t just make a fake profile and send a few messages. Read the entire thread.

No I don’t make fake profiles 🤦🏻 Like I said I have no contact with my ex and couldn’t give a shit about his life. You do seem overly invested in yours though.

Your situation is irrelevant to me. Just because you don’t speak to your ex and your kids don’t see him doesn’t mean everyone has to be the same. I was friends with my ex when he started doing this. It was out of the blue. There was no motive behind it. The fact he just seemed to change overnight concerned me and I needed proof before I could stop contact. You don’t seem to understand this and think everyone should be the same as you.

And no, I’m not overly invested in my ex. I’m overly invested in keeping my son safe.

@TurnUpTurnip

What is the issue with the OP reading messages and exposing her ex?

I don’t have any issue with it, the op said everyone would do the same. I was pointing out that no they wouldn’t. If she thinks he’s a danger to the child stopping contact would be the best course of action. Getting into these games which he probably loved, isn’t. Stop engaging you are giving him the power, if you stopped all contact he would lose the power.

Watch how he gives up when you no longer engage, he continues to do this because he knows you will engage, go to the police get a non mol so he can’t contact you again.

Jesus Christ, how many times I do have to write this.

I have not been engaging with this man. I have not spoken to him in months. I have blocked him on everything but you cannot block emails

@BueenQee

Good luck, it sounds like a mess. From one person trying to extract themself from a difficult relationship with an ex to another 💐.

OP, what some posters are saying here (including me) is that we struggle to understand why you leaped to an assumption that your ex is danger to your son based on him making fake profile and contacting you? You got one contact, you blocked, then another contact sending your multiple messages. You said you got suspicious it is your ex and answered once, he sent you a number which was new. All not nice but why would you think based on that he is danger to your son and investigate further? Honestly I would have thought this is obsessive of him, stopped any friendship with him and kept it to child discussion only, but I would not have thought he is danger to my child.

So am I wrong to disbelieve him that he is suffering from depression?

This was your original question and it seems you doubt it because he generally behaved normally around people. I obviously can't say if he has clinical depression or not, but when I had it, I held down quite a responsible job where I was engaging with people every day. No one knew I had it. Even the doctors receptionist doubted it. My therapist did not! So how he presents himself on the outside is not necessarily indicative of what's happening on the inside. Also I was never a danger to myself or anyone else. But of course, that us just how my depression manifested, others suffer in different ways. I don't think you can conclude he isn't depressed just because others didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

On mumsnet all sorts of unofficial diagnoses of various forms of mental health take place. Unfortunately that gives others the confidence to assign illnesses without any medical training. I don't see how that's helpful. If you believe someone is ill, they need to be signposted to a doctor.

I didn’t say he was a danger to my son initially though. I continued to let him see my son at first. I was questioning his mental health. Someone who makes fake profiles and goes to the lengths he did to engage with me from it make it look legit - completely out of the blue, with no motive - surely cannot be right in the head? When I questioned him about it this was when the threats (he threatened to come and “kick my fucking door in) the manipulation and the gaslighting started. This was when I thought he may be a danger to my son so I investigated further to obtain the proof I needed before I contacted the police and child services. I really don’t get what’s so difficult about that for you to understand?

OP I would ignore the “why didn’t you just block and ignore comments” I completely understand why you went to the lengths you did.

Women who ignore men’s shitty behaviour are the reason men continue to behave like this. These idiots need calling out IMO.

It's easy for us to say detach and block because we aren't going through what you are.

Legally, him being abusive to you is seen as different to him being abusive to his child. It doesn't matter if he sends you crap with fake profiles unless the threats and stuff are child related.

It doesn't really matter if he's depressed or not. It's not something that you need to investigate because it's not really a barrier to him getting contact. You're not obliged to hang out with him - even if he's in perfect mental health. Yanbu to block and never hang out with him again.

If he takes the issue to court then there can be an investigation where they can establish gp visits etc to corroborate his story.