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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coming home at 4:30am and having the baby all day

29 replies

CrazyMama10 · 12/11/2021 05:22

My husband plays darts on a Thursday for a local pub

Tonight hes been as normal, I called into the pub when I dropped him off for a pint of shandy. Our little boy doesn’t go to sleep for me, a poo, a projectectile vomit and 2 1/2 later he was a sleep. I’ve been up since 6am and didn’t sit down till gone 10pm. That’s pretty normal for me I guess.

Husband comes home at 4:30am after being at the pub and then someone’s house. He will have about an hour and half sleep before needing to get up so I can shower the sick off me properly and get ready. He has our little boy all day tomorrow and I know he’ll be shattered so he’ll lay on the sofa most of the day (awake) while our little one entertains himself. I’m so annoyed with him. This isn’t a one off thing

OP posts:
Blahdyblahbla · 12/11/2021 05:34

He's an arsehole. He's going to be tired and grumpy and likely unsafe.
What's he up to until 4.30?

Fucket · 12/11/2021 05:55

He’s got you in a tricky situation hasn’t he. Well he’s a selfish man child.

Are you working today? If your husband is over the drink drive limit I’d question their ability to look after a baby.

I once had to phone my MIL to get my DH to come home early from NYE as he was refusing to answer the phone to me, our middle child was taken into hospital and I needed him home to help with the other two.

I don’t know what she said to him but he’s never been a dick again.

I would speak to friends and family and start building yourself a support network. Lay it on the line with your DH, if he refuses to change and step-up you’ll have to consider your options a) stay and put up with it or b) leave him. Take your time with these decisions though, making major life decisions whilst continually sleep deprived is always risky.

Gliderx · 12/11/2021 05:59

Unless you have concerns about your baby's safety with a tired DH, I'd let this one go. Natural consequences and all that. I've looked after my baby on no sleep before (I stayed up all night finishing a college paper) and it was horrendous but I managed. Most adults can function, albeit on a subpar level, on one night of very disturbed sleep. Lots of mums with a young baby and toddler get practically no sleep with the baby, then have to be awake and alert the whole of the next day with the toddler. They cope - not just for one day but for months on end.

SandysMam · 12/11/2021 06:23

I wouldn’t leave him with the baby at all. He sounds like a selfish prick who will not have the patience for a screaming baby when tired and hungover, I have read enough shaken baby articles in the paper to think this sounds like the exact circumstances that build up to that kind of thing. I don’t think most set out to hurt the baby, but selfish tendencies, lack of sleep, alcohol or drug come down and a crying baby are a terrible combination.
Call in sick today and lay it down for him. If he does it again, I would leave.

NataliaSerene · 12/11/2021 06:28

On a random Thursday night no way I’d tolerate this shit. He’s a husband and father, not your child. Tell him to get his act together or you’ll find a partner who is willing to be an actual man all the time.

hotmess19 · 12/11/2021 06:46

I worked nights, went to uni online and looked after my 1 year old for a year.
It’s entirely possible to do it well.

NataliaSerene · 12/11/2021 06:49

@hotmess19

I worked nights, went to uni online and looked after my 1 year old for a year. It’s entirely possible to do it well.
Bit different than being out all night with friends. I’ll bet you never did that.
ScrumptiousBears · 12/11/2021 06:51

It depends how often it happens? The 4am stint a one off? He'll learn when he struggles todays. He's her main career he'll cope.

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/11/2021 06:52

selfish man

RampantIvy · 12/11/2021 06:56

What is he doing until 4.30? Drugs?

Was he like this when you were TTCing? His behaviour is entirely unacceptable. Could you not have had a shower after your DS had gone to sleep?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 12/11/2021 07:35

How old is your little one?

I too worked nights, did a law degree during the day and picked up my toddler afterwards. Rinse and repeat. It's possible as a one off.

It happens. If baby is young it's easier.

I remember having a night out on tequilas and then walking round a golf course after two hours sleep with a 5 and 8 year old all damn day. I was greener than the green. Didn't do that again!

RampantIvy · 12/11/2021 08:59

OP has a problem with her DH who isn't pulling his weight

Cue posters writing in how superhuman they were when bringing up children, working 60 hour weeks while writing a PhD thesis.

These replies are not helpful and just make the OP feel worse. Why do you do it?

RampantIvy · 12/11/2021 09:01

I meant to add the "well, I managed, so why can't you?" is a horrible thing to say to someone who is struggling. Some people really do lack empathy Hmm

TokyoDreaming · 12/11/2021 09:01

@RampantIvy

OP has a problem with her DH who isn't pulling his weight

Cue posters writing in how superhuman they were when bringing up children, working 60 hour weeks while writing a PhD thesis.

These replies are not helpful and just make the OP feel worse. Why do you do it?

Because they're tone deaf.
MattHancocksSexTape · 12/11/2021 09:01

You don’t think he’ll fall asleep on the sofa whilst hungover and sleep deprived?!

shouldistop · 12/11/2021 09:04

@hotmess19

I worked nights, went to uni online and looked after my 1 year old for a year. It’s entirely possible to do it well.
Were you drinking until 4.30am too?
Sally872 · 12/11/2021 09:04

I would expect dh to be hungover but still safe to watch child. He will struggle and your dc might have more TV than normal but surely powering through it will teach him a lesson anyway. Is he otherwise a good dad? If so he will fell guilty about it as well.

So I agree it is rubbish of him but hopefully karma gets him today and he fixes it. If not be can't go to darts if he is then unable to watch his child well the following day.

FusionChefGeoff · 12/11/2021 09:05

Presumably he was smashed at 4.30 so will still be pissed and then a combo of pissed and hungover and then just full on hungover AND sleep deprived.

You wouldn't let someone drive a car in that state so why would it be ok to care for a child?!

I'd be putting a rocket up his arse, OP. This is NOT acceptable.

shouldistop · 12/11/2021 09:06

@ScrumptiousBears

It depends how often it happens? The 4am stint a one off? He'll learn when he struggles todays. He's her main career he'll cope.
Where cores op say he's the baby's main carer?
crackofdoom · 12/11/2021 09:11

I think that the posters mentioning their superhuman all nighters-and-then-looking-after-small-children stints aren’t implying “Well I managed so why can’t you?”

They’re implying “Well I managed so why can’t he?”

shouldistop · 12/11/2021 09:13

@crackofdoom

I think that the posters mentioning their superhuman all nighters-and-then-looking-after-small-children stints aren’t implying “Well I managed so why can’t you?”

They’re implying “Well I managed so why can’t he?”

Honestly, I think they just want to show off how wonderful they are Grin It's a moot point anyway as ops husband hasn't been working or studying, he's been getting drunk.
FreedomFaith · 12/11/2021 09:14

@crackofdoom

I think that the posters mentioning their superhuman all nighters-and-then-looking-after-small-children stints aren’t implying “Well I managed so why can’t you?”

They’re implying “Well I managed so why can’t he?”

I would have assumed that too. They can do it, why can't he? He's got himself into this mess, you can't just magic your child away when you've been up all night. His problem, his issue, he'll learn from it. The reason he won't is by being saved by op if she does. Then he just thinks I can do what I want as she'll pick up the slack.
ShowMeHow · 12/11/2021 09:24

@Gliderx

Unless you have concerns about your baby's safety with a tired DH, I'd let this one go. Natural consequences and all that. I've looked after my baby on no sleep before (I stayed up all night finishing a college paper) and it was horrendous but I managed. Most adults can function, albeit on a subpar level, on one night of very disturbed sleep. Lots of mums with a young baby and toddler get practically no sleep with the baby, then have to be awake and alert the whole of the next day with the toddler. They cope - not just for one day but for months on end.
I like this answer it is practical and reasonable and true!

Context is everything though. And I think the question is, is he mostly making a good job of being a partner and father or is he mostly ignoring the fact that he has commitments and responsibilities to his family?

RampantIvy · 12/11/2021 09:25

@crackofdoom

I think that the posters mentioning their superhuman all nighters-and-then-looking-after-small-children stints aren’t implying “Well I managed so why can’t you?”

They’re implying “Well I managed so why can’t he?”

Yes, you are right, but it isn't helpful, and they wern't drinking (or doing drugs until 4 am, or were they?)
WonderfulYou · 12/11/2021 09:27

YABU unless this is an every day occurrence then it’s fine for him to stay out as long as he wants (just like you should be able to) and his Thursday evening is most people’s Friday evenings if he has Fridays off.

It’s different if he spent all day in bed and you had to find childcare so you can go to work.

He goes out whilst his child is asleep and then comes back when they wake up and looks after them all day - I really don’t see the issue here.