MIL won’t leave me alone

[Bell25]

Not an AIBU more a what would you do?

Fell out with MIL a few months back, after months of her gas lighting behaviour, passive aggressive comments and general shitty behaviour towards me, I found unacceptable and basically called her out on it.
She blamed her mental health on why she was treating me this way (doesn’t treat any other family members like this) and didn’t apologise etc.
I essential told her I wasn’t onboard with having a relationship like this and we should just leave any comms to her and DH.
Since then she literally won’t leave me alone. She messages me constantly, suggests we FaceTime regularly (we’ve never FaceTimed before).

I can’t work out if this is her way of trying to make amends or just winding me up (judgment probably clouded). It’s really doing my head in, I specifically asked her not to contact me and all she does is message me.
Do I leave it ? Call her out on it again? Remind her to leave me alone. I’m well aware I sound like an 11 year old in the playground but it’s so draining and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

@Notaroadrunner

I meant for not telling her, not for doing it. I think if my child got married without telling me I'd be a tad upset!

@Idreamofpizza you’ve summed it up perfectly!

@Polmuggle we told her we were getting married as soon as we decided. So she knew for about 2 months before the day.

Keep her blocked no matter what happens. People like your MIL don't give up or change. They might put on a temporary veneer of being reasonable but it never lasts. She wants control and she is angry that she cannot control you. Good luck to you & your husband with the IVF. Keep her away from you and your family. You may find the "Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships board helpful.

[quote Bell25]@Idreamofpizza you’ve summed it up perfectly!

@Polmuggle we told her we were getting married as soon as we decided. So she knew for about 2 months before the day.[/quote]
Apologies OP - I misread one sentence and got the wrong end of the stick!

She is just trying to hoover you back into punching distance with charm so that she can start on you again with her low blows….and next time they will be deeper, malicious and more cruel as she will need to punish you (once she gets the chance and the coast is clear) for daring calmly have a discussion like as adult stating your boundaries.

I expect now that you have blocked her she will up the ante - expect crocodile tears, flying monkeys, an invented crisis that requires your or your DH attention.

Don’t give it. Detach in your head.

Don’t get provoked, don’t engage, don’t explain don’t let this get under the skin of your marriage.

She is highly irregular and emotionally dysfunctional - YOU will always be her target of blame - so keep out of punching distance.

Best of luck with IVF. You don’t need your body swirling with cortisol and adrenaline and your mind preoccupied triggered by this headfuck.

[quote Bell25]@NataliaSerene He asked her to give us some space too, basically reinforced what I said but I think he’s less bothered that she hasn’t listened.

Every time I see a message it puts me in a bad mood.[/quote]
That’s on you - either you completely block her number so that her messages don’t come through, or you just ignore her messages. Maybe he’s less bothered because she’s his mother. Maybe she does have some mental health issues and he doesn’t want to come across as being unkind? If she does actually have a mental illness in which her behaviour manifests itself in this way, then maybe you’re also being unkind?
My dds MIL is bipolar and at times it can be very hard work for dd and her dh to support her - constant phone calls, messages etc, but they know it’s because of her mental health rather than her personality.
I think you need to get to the bottom of why she wants to keep in touch with you. After all, it’s not exactly unusual for a MIL to want to be in contact with her son and DIL is it?

And she said the stress of not attending our wedding and not having a grandchild has given her mental health problems and her treating me badly was her way of coping.

Even if this was true (it's obviously a load of crap) then by your MIL's own logic you should be no contact with her because she has quite literally told you she deliberately treats you this way.

@Soontobe60 If she does actually have a mental illness in which her behaviour manifests itself in this way, then maybe you’re also being unkind?

What possible mental illness is best managed by the sufferer abusing another party? This strikes me a bit like someone saying, "But he's an alcoholic, he can't help getting violent when he drinks." If he can't help it, you should stay well away! People aren't obliged to take abuse from someone because they're mentally unwell. (My dad has bipolar disorder and has been sectioned more than once.)

My ils never had my mobile number.. I have no sm so that was great! Very liberating not having to have any dealings with them!! Make sure your dh knows the level of sharing you are happy he gives them about your personal business moving forward.. If he wants a relationship with them you need to know how deep that will be going.
Imo.

“ If she does actually have a mental illness in which her behaviour manifests itself in this way, then maybe you’re also being unkind?
My dds MIL is bipolar and at times it can be very hard work for dd and her dh to support her - constant phone calls, messages etc, but they know it’s because of her mental health rather than her personality.”

No. Sounds like apologist nonsense.

This is totally wrong headed on every level for all concerned.

No one has to tolerate being abused or swamped by someone else under the guise of MH - it might explain it but it doesn’t excuse it. Ever.

The person with the compulsive / impulsive behaviours needs boundaries, consequences and encouragement to behave appropriately - anything less is enabling and facilitating the deterioration of their MH as well as that of the associated family and friends.

It doesn’t have to be done aggressively but needs communicating clearly and calmly - any transgressions need instant, constant and consistent consequences to embed change in the “offender” and protect the sanity and dignity of the receiver.

@ESGdance

*“ If she does actually have a mental illness in which her behaviour manifests itself in this way, then maybe you’re also being unkind? My dds MIL is bipolar and at times it can be very hard work for dd and her dh to support her - constant phone calls, messages etc, but they know it’s because of her mental health rather than her personality.”*

No. Sounds like apologist nonsense.

This is totally wrong headed on every level for all concerned.

No one has to tolerate being abused or swamped by someone else under the guise of MH - it might explain it but it doesn’t excuse it. Ever.

The person with the compulsive / impulsive behaviours needs boundaries, consequences and encouragement to behave appropriately - anything less is enabling and facilitating the deterioration of their MH as well as that of the associated family and friends.

It doesn’t have to be done aggressively but needs communicating clearly and calmly - any transgressions need instant, constant and consistent consequences to embed change in the “offender” and protect the sanity and dignity of the receiver.

The OP doesn’t want to do this, she wants to cut the women out of her ‘ her DH and her children’s lives