MIL won’t leave me alone

[Bell25]

Not an AIBU more a what would you do?

Fell out with MIL a few months back, after months of her gas lighting behaviour, passive aggressive comments and general shitty behaviour towards me, I found unacceptable and basically called her out on it.
She blamed her mental health on why she was treating me this way (doesn’t treat any other family members like this) and didn’t apologise etc.
I essential told her I wasn’t onboard with having a relationship like this and we should just leave any comms to her and DH.
Since then she literally won’t leave me alone. She messages me constantly, suggests we FaceTime regularly (we’ve never FaceTimed before).

I can’t work out if this is her way of trying to make amends or just winding me up (judgment probably clouded). It’s really doing my head in, I specifically asked her not to contact me and all she does is message me.
Do I leave it ? Call her out on it again? Remind her to leave me alone. I’m well aware I sound like an 11 year old in the playground but it’s so draining and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Tell your DH and add you trust him (assuming you do) not to discuss any of your private business wirth her.

Are you even responding to her after you said you don't want to speak to her?

I have a similar problem- I never reply and she has eased off now. It took well over a year of ignoring though. It’s hard to block because she’s family and if there is an emergency I wouldn’t ignore her. My mil is a classic narcissist-sounds like yours is too. When her messages arrive just read and delete and carry on. She will eventually ease off.

@FangsForTheMemory

Block her? She’s trying to control you.

agree

Shes trying to wind you up. Block her on everything

Will she even know you've blocked her rather than doing as you are now which is just ignoring her?

Yes, blocking is the way forward.

She sounds a bit like my mil and maybe that is why I'm a bit biased but I'd give her another chance. For the sake of DH.

Don't get involved in her games. Set clear boundaries and maybe keep your distance when she oversteps but I wouldn't block her completely.

It's hard to say as it depends on what actually she has done but unless it's truly damaging (which it might well be) I'd give in-laws and parents a pass.

No I’m not responding to her and haven’t for months but she ploughs on regardless.
I muted her on WhatsApp and archived the chat so I couldn’t see when she messaged me and I don’t respond at all. Since then she’s added me to 2 Whatsapp chat groups with other family members in, I was going to leave them but they have family members in that I’ve got no problem with so I didn’t want to cause an issue by leaving.
I never get involved in any of the convo’s though to be honest, especially when they involve her.
She also Facebook and Instagram messages me (both of which I barely use but still have). She started commenting on old photos and sending me chat messages. Not even about anything just random stuff like ‘have a nice day’ for no apparent reason.
She messaged me on my birthday, ‘let me know when you’re free to FaceTime me’ I wouldn’t even FaceTime my own mum on my birthday, she didn’t send me a card last year for my birthday and now she’s trying to FaceTime me, bizarre.
I ignored that. It is relentless though.

I would leave the WhatsApp groups. She’s done that on purpose to annoy you. Just tell the other people you are having problems with mil and won’t be in groups with her. And block her from Facebook and Instagram. Then she can’t see your content.

@Sam020 not truly damaging it’s more of the continuous comments and passive aggressiveness over the last few years. It’s exhausting.

The recent things that have brought it to ahead
We had a wedding booked this year - cancelled it due to COVID, but decided to get married anyway, with 6 people, it wasn’t a wedding literally just a marriage we ended up with.
They live in Australia , so couldn’t attend.
Main reason for going ahead was due to needing IVF we didn’t want to delay starting this process.
We didn’t tell them that but she went absolutely crazy about the wedding, how we’d cut her out and she’d never forgive us.
After we got married told me she had no idea why DH had married me as he’s not the commitment type (despite our 6 year relationship).
To try to smooth things over with her we told her about the IVF (big mistake) and why it was important to us to get married this year as we had no idea what the next months and years would have in store for us.
Her response to that was ‘I will be devastated if you don’t have a child, you don’t know what that would do to me’ (like it’s our choice) didn’t offer any support or ask how we were.
Asked DH behind my back if it was me or him with the problems, and said you know if it’s her it’s not too late to change his mind (as in leave me, WTF) he didn’t tell her anymore info obviously.
I then basically said if you can’t respect me I don’t want a relationship with you. And she said the stress of not attending our wedding and not having a grandchild has given her mental health problems and her treating me badly was her way of coping. Even though it all started way before this year, i just had let it all go over my head in the past as it was minor things.
So her reasoning doesn’t even make sense
And since then she’s just been bombarding me.
I’ve tried to condense the story, theres a lot more to it.

Well, it’s all about her isn’t it!!! I have resentment about people who blame their mental health for everything and take zero responsibility like she does. I would definitely block her, don’t discuss it with your husband as it’s not a debate. I have done IVF and it can be quite draining, l vote you block her before that to give you more headspace. Good luck with it all

You will need all of your mental health resources focused on the IVF process - DH too. I'm sure your consultant has already explained it to you but I found fertility treatment to be fine physically (it can affect each woman differently) but emotionally and on stress levels it was tough. Our saving grace was that nobody else knew bar one sibling who was a brick during it all. My DM would have made it all about how worried /sad/ etc she was and I just didn't have the headspace for that shit.

I suggest that you both block her - DH can explain beforehand if he feels he should but you, you don't have to owe her a damn thing after what she's said about you to your DH.

But she's not what you both need right now. She's everything you don't need at the moment.

Anyone that tells me that it’s their MH or anxiety that is making them behave like a twat will be blocked. I haven’t got time for manipulation.

So, have you done it yet, have you pressed that block button?!

Ffs block straight away. Have your whatsapp set up so that you arent added automatically to a new group. You'll get an invite that you dont accept

Yes I have blocked her now on WhatsApp and Instagram.
Not sure if I can block her on Facebook or just unfriend her.
Didn’t know I could do that on WhatsApp, I’ll do that now too. Assume she won’t be able to add me to anything anyway now she’s blocked.

Thank you everyone!! I am feeling better already I knew I should block her but she has made me feel like I’m to blame and sometimes I am questioning if it is me! But suppose that’s how these types of people operate.

I'm not surprised she's mad at you both for the wedding!

But yes everything else is grossly unfair. But I think you're right that blocking her is just going to make her the victim. I would just ignore - she'll get bored.

I'm not surprised she's mad at you both for the wedding!

It's the middle of a pandemic. I postponed mine twice so that I could have my loved ones there but even so, I don't know if my family that live in Australia will be able to come due to quarintine restrictions.
I could postpone mine - I'm done having babies, don't have any issues regarding inheritance so it was an easy decision for us to postpone.

But I've friends who wanted to be married before they started their families, or wanted the security of being married for inheritance /pensions etc during a pandemic should the worst happen to one of them if they got covid.

If you don't have the option to postpone nobody should be giving you shit about going ahead - not in a pandemic.

There were plenty of hurried weddings during wartime but that's seen as romantic, not selfish...

@Polmuggle

I'm not surprised she's mad at you both for the wedding!

But yes everything else is grossly unfair. But I think you're right that blocking her is just going to make her the victim. I would just ignore - she'll get bored.

Why? They wanted to get married asap and mil was abroad. Plenty of people get married without the big fanfare. It's no big deal and mil shouldn't have made one out of it.

The fact that she lives in Australia is great. Now that you've blocked her she can firmly be out of sight, out of mind.

You can block her on Facebook too.

Ignore, repeat. It works in the end.

She’s not going to change and you’ve taken the appropriate action ie distanced yourself - well done, persevere. If you ever waver, consider why she wants you back.

Blocking her is the best thing you could have done. Keeping her "out" keeping her well away whilst you're dealing with what you've got going on. I suspect in a few weeks you'll feel a lot stronger, but keep her out. She has no right to weddings or anything, she's crackers.

Why can't you just talk through all this, and tell her some home truths, and that she has to listen, and take on board . how she affects you, and others maybe. I don't see the point in blocking people off, and maybe causing more strife around.

@1forAll74 I’ve already done this, I really wanted to sort it out and move on. The last thing I wanted was to fall out . I had an hour long conversation with her and told her how I felt, what she had ‘done wrong’ and why I wasn’t happy , she dismissed everything, made up excuses or point blank refused to accept anything I said.
I then messaged her after and said look I don’t want to fall out but there’s just a few things I can’t get passed without and explanation etc and I don’t understand why you’ve felt the need to treat me this way. She didn’t reply and messaged DH saying ‘just to let you know I won’t be replying to ’s email’

She wants you to carry on as if there wasn't a problem. She isn't interested in dealing with the issue (actually repairing your relationship or apologising for any hurt caused etc) but she wants to be able to pretend it's all fine. So she needs you to act as if there wasn't a problem. She's decided the best way to do that is to ignore it and move on. The sooner she can get you involved in day to day chit chat the sooner she thinks you will forget about it/let it go and continue in your dutiful role. Block her and ignore.

Not sure if I can block her on Facebook or just unfriend her

Unfriend her and then block her. It’s the only way to be sure