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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I be just friends with a man I know is attracted to me?

44 replies

BlossomGirl06 · 11/11/2021 22:20

This is a how men work Aibu...

He has asked me to go out for a drink, he knows I'm not available and I've said previously (months ago) we could be friends. We could, he's definitely a lot like my friends.

Out the blue, he's asked me out for a drink again. I'm popping by his work tomorrow to say...

AIBU to say, yes but as friends?

AIBU to say yes at all?

I need help with social rules and I don't know how it works with friend zoning someone who likes you?

I'm not 'available' because I'm in a long-standing (4year) long distance relationship. And I wouldn't be unfaithful, but again how does this work - is it against the rules?

My DP knows about this invitation. Was open and kind but said yes it's a come on, and kind of assumed therefore I would say no.

There is other backstory but I honestly don't get what's right and wrong paths here. I'd like this guy as a friend, but is that mean to him. I certainly don't want to say no to friendship out of fear of 'displeasing' my DP.

Honestly really confused. Really grateful for any thoughts at all. HmmConfused

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 11/11/2021 22:27

Leaving your DP out of it completely, are you happy to offer your friendship to someone who doesn’t actually want it? He doesn’t want to spend time with you because he enjoys your conversation.

emsyj37 · 11/11/2021 22:31

This isn't a friendship, this is a man making a pass at you. You don't start a friendship by going out for a drink one to one with someone you barely know - that's called a date.
Going out for a drink with a man who wants more than friendship (and possibly thinks he has a chance since your DP is long distance and so not around and visible) is silly, pointless and unkind to both your DP and to him. It would be naive to think that the end result of it would be a nice platonic friendship between you and this man. He doesn't want to be friends with you and you both know it. Tell him nicely that you're flattered but it would not be appropriate.

Jennifer2r · 11/11/2021 22:32

No you can't.

Spending time with them in a group yes.
Spending time with them and your DP yes.

If you go for a drink with just them they'll take it as a sign, a date, they'll try and fuck you. I would bet my house on it. This is how men work. Hope to help!

Yayaga · 11/11/2021 22:34

If I were in a LDR and my DP told me he planned on hanging out with a girl who fancied him and my thoughts on it werent important, I would dump him.

girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 22:35

You've already told him you're in a relationship and he's still pushing. He doesn't respect the fact you've said no. I wouldn't want to be friends with somebody who doesn't respect me.

caketiger · 11/11/2021 22:36

No no no no. Just don't.

Yayaga · 11/11/2021 22:36

What's the other back story?

Comedycook · 11/11/2021 22:37

Yeah yeah, they always say you can just be friends instead...they're just waiting for you to become single and/or have a change of heart.

Frannyhy · 11/11/2021 22:38

If you love your DP ghost this guy’s ass.

Jennifer2r · 11/11/2021 22:38

BTW please don't perpetuate the myth of the friend zone. Its misogynistic. Everyone has the right to decide who they date and there really is no “zone” that you can be “put into” by someone else. Everyone has the right to decide who they do and do not want to date or be intimate with.

If someone says they’re in the friend zone, they’re usually implying that they feel entitled to another person’s affection as “payback” for the emotional investment and time spent being their “friend.”

Laiste · 11/11/2021 22:38

If you're not sure if something is appropriate i find it's helpful to ask yourself if you'd be happy with your DP doing the same.

Would you want him going out for a drink with a woman who he knows fancies him? Take that as your answer.

Shouldershrugger · 11/11/2021 22:39

This guy is testing the boundaries. He's hoping you'll go for drinks, you'll enjoy his company and then he'll slowly work his way in between your partner and you. How would you feel if some girl and your partner? I think either you're being naive. I can understand you see this guy as a potential friend but he is anything but.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 11/11/2021 22:40

Long distance relationships are a minefield, even without one person going for a drink with someone who's potentially interested in them.

OP, examine yourself and how committed you are to your relationship.

FWIW, when I was married, I would have had a drink with someone I knew was interested in me, even though I was (on the face of it) not available. Now, I wouldn't dream of it, even though I am (on the face of it) available, in that I'm neither married nor cohabiting. However, I love my partner and I have steered very clear of men who have shown an interest, simply because I don't have any inclination to go there.

BananaPB · 11/11/2021 22:41

No you can't. This man may be hoping that you'll change your mind if you spend time with him (best case scenario) or that you'll get drunk and sleep with him (worst case scenario) I would only meet him as part of a group and definitely not one on one.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 11/11/2021 22:41

I don't think you can actually...

Sorry, I think it's a bit cruel to both him and your dp.

I do think men and women can be friends, but once someone has made a pass at you, you can't really be buddies. Not that soon after anyway.

RaisedByPangolins · 11/11/2021 22:41

I wouldn’t be happy if my DP went out for a drink with someone who fancied him, knowing that was the case. Platonic friendships should be just that, not one-sided flirtations.

Dorigen · 11/11/2021 22:41

@Jennifer2r

BTW please don't perpetuate the myth of the friend zone. Its misogynistic. Everyone has the right to decide who they date and there really is no “zone” that you can be “put into” by someone else. Everyone has the right to decide who they do and do not want to date or be intimate with.

If someone says they’re in the friend zone, they’re usually implying that they feel entitled to another person’s affection as “payback” for the emotional investment and time spent being their “friend.”

What does this actually mean in plain English?
Watchingyou2sleezes · 11/11/2021 22:42

Even being 'just friends' will be part of his longer term plan to shag you. Unless you're in anyway up for than you shouldn't go.

Onesipmore · 11/11/2021 22:43

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot. DP tells you a woman he really likes has come on to him and invited him out for drinks twice. He's tempted to go, so they could be friends. I mean would you like that.
There is nothing confusing here at all! It's hard to be friends with someone when they have clearly made it apparent they fancy you.Come on, its not complicated.

Yayaga · 11/11/2021 22:45

@Dorigen
Glad it's not just me wondering that 😂

Maybe PP means that it's like: no, you haven't been friend zoned, you have not automatically become my friend, I've just rejected your advances

Jennifer2r · 11/11/2021 22:45

@dorigen what part did you not understand?

KarmaElBanana · 11/11/2021 22:48

What even is this question? No, don’t go, the guy fancies you he doesn’t want a friendship. Very best case scenario you’ll get one of those ego-boosting not-really-friendships where there’s a huge power imbalance, the type you get in your 20s with random ‘nice guy / incel mooning around’ type. Just move on, there’s other people out there you know. Plus it’s totally disrespectful to your partner.

Jennifer2r · 11/11/2021 22:48

The "friend zone" is a term made up by men to guilt women who decide not to have sex with them.

"I hung out with her a bunch of times but she friend zoned me" ie she didn't give me the sex she owed me by me spending all that time with her.

Original poster
BlossomGirl06 · 11/11/2021 23:05

Oh! Like a hundred times! Thank you. Yeah makes sense.

The backstory is that my
DP suffers with ED
and he has become more shy as the years have passed, cuddles yes but he bigs up what will happen when we're next together which he doesn't need to do and then he retreats and tbh that screws with my head. This is our secret and my problem, socially he is the one everyone wants to talk to. He's a wonderful entertainer and incredibly creative and kind. He's worth the trouble.

It's good to have an answer to the going out thing. Loud and clear.

As to how I deal with my best friend and partner being equally so absent will be - as of tomorrow - a separate issue.

Thanks all xx

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 11/11/2021 23:11

I don’t understand why you’re saying that you’re confused about this situation…you’re a grown woman, right? Not some teen.
If your DP went purposefully out for a drink with a female who he knew fancied him, how would you feel about that? Cmon!!!