Can I be just friends with a man I know is attracted to me?

[BlossomGirl06]

This is a how men work Aibu...

He has asked me to go out for a drink, he knows I'm not available and I've said previously (months ago) we could be friends. We could, he's definitely a lot like my friends.

Out the blue, he's asked me out for a drink again. I'm popping by his work tomorrow to say...

AIBU to say, yes but as friends?

AIBU to say yes at all?

I need help with social rules and I don't know how it works with friend zoning someone who likes you?

I'm not 'available' because I'm in a long-standing (4year) long distance relationship. And I wouldn't be unfaithful, but again how does this work - is it against the rules?

My DP knows about this invitation. Was open and kind but said yes it's a come on, and kind of assumed therefore I would say no.

There is other backstory but I honestly don't get what's right and wrong paths here. I'd like this guy as a friend, but is that mean to him. I certainly don't want to say no to friendship out of fear of 'displeasing' my DP.

Honestly really confused. Really grateful for any thoughts at all.

I don't know why you're even asking - he wants more, your partner knows he wants more, why are you being so disingenuous about this ? Are you just enjoying the relatively safe attention ?

No, no

No, no, no, no

No, no, no, no

No, no

Is the ED a done deal? Could you encourage DP to seek support if he’s worth it?
The fact that you’re even teasing around with this other guy clearly indicates that you’re not happy.

Of course not, he doesn't want to be your friend, he wants to shag you

Wrt the erectile dysfunction, it's up to you how you feel about that, but the "friend" thing will never work.

Get rid of both of them.
Seriously

Your direct replies make it clear what is happening and what is wrong. I don't mind admitting I am struggling with my
emotional reasoning so having the obvious pointed out is exactly what helps.

And this is a safe place to mess up isn't it. Thank you all

@Jennifer2r

The "friend zone" is a term made up by men to guilt women who decide not to have sex with them.

As I understand it, the word "friend-zoned" is a shorthand way of saying that a particular woman whom a man fancies does not have similar feelings for him.

It doesn't imply that the woman "should" feel guilty. If she's a little bit kind to him, then she won't deliberately flirt with him or lead him on if she knows he's attracted while she is not. But "flirt" or "lead on" are subjective, and she is not responsible if he misinterprets her actions in order to see what he wants to see. And she definitely does not owe him sex, or even friendship for that matter, based on what he wants.

Of course the phrase "friend-zoned" does suggest that the man is disappointed because he would have liked it to be different, but that is entirely OK. He is allowed to feel disappointed! It's also his own problem to deal with it, get over it, or otherwise live with and accept his own uncomfortable feelings, and if he's a halfway decent guy, then that is what he will do.

I'm going to go against the grain and say it's perfectly doable to have friends that you know fancy you but to keep them as friends. You do have to be very clear where you stand ..... both to yourself and to the friend. It is in no way doable if you at all fancy them and if you are not able to keep the boundary well defined.
I have three long term friends who all started off as guys who were attracted to me .... perhaps still are. They will never become more than friends.

You need to give him a hard no

Your faux naivety is pretty obvious

No.

I think it depends how you know he likes you and if you know he still does.

Is it possible he took the hint and has moved on and wants a friendship? Or is he still making it clear he wants to be with you?

@yankeedad

Thanks for the unwarranted explanation, I know what the terms means, and I disagree with it. It was a concept made up by Joey from Friends.

I don't want to hijack the op thread, there's a lot online about this and I'm also happy not to agree about it.

[quote Jennifer2r]@dorigen what part did you not understand?[/quote]
I hadn't come across the term, and despite having a PhD in English Lit, I didn't understand a word of your comment.

I've just looked it up on Wikipedia, though. "In popular culture, the friend zone (or friendzone) is a conceptual place describing a situation in which one person in a mutual friendship wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship with the other person, while the other does not."

This made more sense to me!

@dorigen

Its a very popular phrase, used by the op here, I object to it and so do many other feminists and indeed mumsnet users, have a read here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2088583-The-Friend-Zone

In a feminist sense it's relevant to the op and what they posted.

Congrats on your PhD!

Thanks. It was a very long time ago, though!

I had forgotten that the OP used the phrase first. I find it an odd phrase generally. It smacks of the current tendency to give a silly label to something that people have been doing since forever (namely telling someone else: I like you as a friend, but nothing more than that). I don't see what feminism has to do with it, but I haven't yet read the thread you mentioned (though will do).

@dorigen

In the context of incels, Red pill and misogynist men it means more than just 'a person who is a friend'. If none of those things mean anything to you I'm somewhat jealous, actually! It's not just a harmless term.

@Jennifer2r This is very interesting, as none of those terms means anything to me at all. I don't mean that as any kind of value judgement - I suppose I haven't ever needed to know about them (and presumably my friends haven't, either, as it's not something that has ever come up in conversation). Obviously, I should - given that I listen to Radio 4 and read the paper - but presumably my brain just skates over this kind of thing because it tacitly files it away as 'not relevant'.

Sorry to hijack, OP!

@dorigen

It might just seem like vacuous Internet stuff but incel culture is relevant to a lot of the school shootings, maga terrorist activity and so on in the US. That's why I have an interest in it.