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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 2.10 year old doesn't need to be in nursery

38 replies

SatisfyMySoul19 · 11/11/2021 20:16

Hi everyone
I'm a single mum of 2 lovely kids. My girl is 6y and my son is 2.10y .. I am in the fortunate position where my parents own their own business and I do some admin work for them when the children are in bed, so, work isn't an issue just now.
My daughter is in school and thriving there, all great .. My little boy has a speech and language delay (very common for the boys in our family) and possibly showing signs of ASD. He's absolutely fantastic and I love the bones of him. I've been working with him intensively at home and he's come along so, so much in the past few months. He is now able to point, imitate nursery rhyme actions, follow simple commands and is even starting to say a few words! I'm thrilled. I've basically been giving him lots of 1 on 1 time, lots of time outdoors as I believe it is very beneficial to little ones, s structured routine, involving him in things I do along with taking him to mum and tot groups and the park for social interaction.
However, my son is entitled to the 15 free hours for 2 year olds and I've felt pressure from all angles to enrol him because of his speech delay. He started this week and does seem to enjoy playing with the toys but doesn't seem overly happy there. They say he cries quite a lot and I'm struggling to understand what he's getting from it when he's making huge improvements with me at home and we socialise a lot. I would like to start him at 3.5, like I did with my daughter. In my eyes, 2.10 is still very young.
I'm getting lots of crap for wanting to pull him out, that he needs to be in a setting because of his speech, etc etc.
AIBU to want to follow my mother's instinct, pull my boy out for a year and continue with our little adventures and helping him progress?

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 11/11/2021 20:18

You sound like a fantastic mother! He doesn’t enjoy nursery and is getting nothing from it. Take him out and try again when he is older.

Lollipop567 · 11/11/2021 20:18

Yanbu at all. My DD started at 3 1/2 and settled straight away. Trust your gut and enjoy your time together.

ChuckMater · 11/11/2021 20:22

Do whats right for your family. My ds didn't start until he got funding after he turned 3. He started in Sept and its been a very smooth transition. His speech has improved since he began, but like with you its all the work that was done at home before sending to nursery that made a huge difference. If neither of you are happy, why carry on sending him?

QWE96 · 11/11/2021 20:23

You seem really intuitive to your son's needs. Sounds like you're doing a great job. If your instinct is telling you to take him out, do that. You know him best

TheAverageUser · 11/11/2021 20:24

I'd do whatever you think is best for him, you sound like a great mum.

BettyBooper · 11/11/2021 20:26

You know your son. It sounds like you're having a lovely time at home. Yeah do that!

LittleGungHo · 11/11/2021 20:28

Who is giving you 'a lot of crap'? If it is a DP maybe they want you to get into work or something?
Mother's instinct is a thing but also the view of the father should be considered.
If it is a nosey family member or friend then ignore of your do not think the view is valid

SkankingMopoke · 11/11/2021 20:29

I'd give it a bit longer. He's used to being home with you, so it's going to take him a little while to settle in. Nearly-3 isn't too young for nursery/preschool IMO, especially when it's only 15hrs a week, and it doesn't take away from all the 1-2-1 time you're giving him plus the playgroup fun and interaction, it just adds a bit extra on top.

Sorberret · 11/11/2021 20:32

Children learn best 1 to 1 and his speech won't improve any better in a nursery setting. You sound like you are doing an excellent job with him.

RedHelenB · 11/11/2021 20:32

@SatisfyMySoul19

Hi everyone I'm a single mum of 2 lovely kids. My girl is 6y and my son is 2.10y .. I am in the fortunate position where my parents own their own business and I do some admin work for them when the children are in bed, so, work isn't an issue just now. My daughter is in school and thriving there, all great .. My little boy has a speech and language delay (very common for the boys in our family) and possibly showing signs of ASD. He's absolutely fantastic and I love the bones of him. I've been working with him intensively at home and he's come along so, so much in the past few months. He is now able to point, imitate nursery rhyme actions, follow simple commands and is even starting to say a few words! I'm thrilled. I've basically been giving him lots of 1 on 1 time, lots of time outdoors as I believe it is very beneficial to little ones, s structured routine, involving him in things I do along with taking him to mum and tot groups and the park for social interaction. However, my son is entitled to the 15 free hours for 2 year olds and I've felt pressure from all angles to enrol him because of his speech delay. He started this week and does seem to enjoy playing with the toys but doesn't seem overly happy there. They say he cries quite a lot and I'm struggling to understand what he's getting from it when he's making huge improvements with me at home and we socialise a lot. I would like to start him at 3.5, like I did with my daughter. In my eyes, 2.10 is still very young. I'm getting lots of crap for wanting to pull him out, that he needs to be in a setting because of his speech, etc etc. AIBU to want to follow my mother's instinct, pull my boy out for a year and continue with our little adventures and helping him progress?
I'd give it a bit longer than a week for him to settle in and then make a decision. His speech and social skills will benefit from being at nursery.
Original poster
SatisfyMySoul19 · 11/11/2021 20:40

Thanks everyone ☺ pleasantly surprised by all the lovely supportive comments. X

OP posts:
Blogdog · 11/11/2021 20:55

Going against the grain here but I have a 12 year old with ASD who was in nursery at that age (pre diagnosis) and I do believe it helped him manage better in social situations later in life than he would have otherwise. He has a younger brother who didn’t go to preschool until he was 3.25 and who is showing some signs of mild ASD (albeit not yet diagnosed) and he has struggled far more in school settings than his older, more affected brother.

You know your child best OP, but I wouldn’t dismiss the idea completely. Your child will not be able to stay home forever, and it might be a good way to start getting him used to social situations before he has to go to school, which can be hugely stressful for kids on the spectrum.

Sorberret · 11/11/2021 20:57

I'd give it a bit longer than a week for him to settle in and then make a decision. His speech and social skills will benefit from being at nursery.

Not necessarily true. Psychologists have different opinions regarding nursery for babies/toddlers - all depends on many factors including the quality of the day care, parental relationship and the needs/personality of the child. Every child is different so it's not universal that nursery is best. In your case I would absolutely keep him at home with you - it sounds like he is thriving and he'll have a stronger foundation and be more confident if you decide to send him in a year.

RowanAlong · 11/11/2021 21:00

Absolutely follow your instincts. You’re not answerable to anyone else on here, or in real life.

Dozer · 11/11/2021 21:02

YANBU.

Who is giving you their unsolicited opinions on this?

Hockeyboysmum · 11/11/2021 21:05

Yanbu. Your child you know them best. My 19 month old has been given 2 mornings a week of nursery. Was originally afternoons but he settles better in morning. He initially loved it then hated for a couple of weeks and is now settling again. I was going to take him out as im not working but when i saw photos of how happy he was initially i vhose to persevere. The reason he goes is he has various additonal needs and disabilities. He has a one to one at nursery who is great. From a selfish point of view i really need the 6 hrs a week he is away to try and recharge my batteries or do stuff with my 12 year old. I am a single parent so no one else to help or take him. If at any point i feel he is genuinely not liking it not getting anything from the experience i will 100% remove him.

Doona · 11/11/2021 21:08

I don't know where people get the idea that preschool is necessary for kids' learning. That finding has been only shown for highly disadvantaged kids and high quality preschools given at no cost to the family. For everyone else there's no evidence of difference in learning overall. So of course do what feels right for your family.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 11/11/2021 21:38

defiantly stand your ground.

todays society of chucking them in an education setting at 2 and 3 just because you "have to" its stupid and a sheep attitude.

trouble is society has been conditioned to think they need to be doing this, same with school.

99% of people ive come across since 2015 (when i started home ed)dont know that there is another legal option out there and no school isnt the be all and end all. same with nurseries at 2.

if the parent wants them at home or the child cant cope with nursery or school at any age that person should do whats best for the child

bugger anyone's unwanted opinions

at this age the child should be at home anyway

i home educate a 11 y old with disabilities(mentally 5/6)and the amount of nosiness and unwanted opinions you get from strangers is daily.

i have a dont fuck with me look and use it. if that dont work they get a and its your business because?

GoodnightGrandma · 11/11/2021 21:43

My DS went to nursery and didn’t settle because there was no where to nap from age 2 onwards, he napped until just before starting school, and he didn’t want a hot meal at lunch.
So I’d pick him up and he’d be knackered and starving.
So I pulled him out.

Original poster
SatisfyMySoul19 · 11/11/2021 22:07

Thanks everyone. I will be pulling my son out. When he is big and grown, I will never regret this time spent with him at home. X

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 11/11/2021 22:08

@Sorberret

Children learn best 1 to 1 and his speech won't improve any better in a nursery setting. You sound like you are doing an excellent job with him.
I agree. Is he at a day nursery? They are busy, noisy places and I am certain he won’t be getting the intensive, fun and natural interaction and teaching that you’re giving him. In a few months’ time his speech and development will have increased and he’ll be ready for the next stage and the social setting of nursery will help.

But improving speech in the noisiness of nursery compared to what you’re doing? Nah. You’re doing brilliantly. Stick to your guns

Abracadabra12345 · 11/11/2021 22:10

@SatisfyMySoul19

Thanks everyone. I will be pulling my son out. When he is big and grown, I will never regret this time spent with him at home. X
Crossed with your update. Good for you
Tumbleweed101 · 11/11/2021 22:32

Nursery can give you support if you think you may need to access SALT and specialist provision for schooling if his ASD will need support later. However, you can also get this support by making the necessary referrals independently if you know how - it sounds like you are aware of his needs and how to get help if you feel it necessary.

A week most certainly isn't long enough to judge how he will get on at nursery though and children attending a nursery will make friends and learn many good social skills by interacting with other children and adults. However, I personally feel that they get the most benefit from nursery once they are 3 - 3 1/2 yo if they don't need to attend for childcare reasons so it is unnecessary to push him earlier than you feel happy with.

Mossstitch · 11/11/2021 22:43

Therapist here with some paediatric experience, pull him out I'd say. He's getting great 1-1 communication with you, he cannot be getting that in a nursery setting. His communication/learning will develop much better with you. I pulled one of mine out from playgroup at 2 as he hated it and just wanted to stay with me but settled fine at 3.5 at preschool attached to the primary school.

TuftyMarmoset · 11/11/2021 22:49

2.10? That’s not how decimals work.

It sounds like pulling him out is the right thing to do though.

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