Force feeding toddler

[Scoobapro]

I’m trying to keep this brief as it’s potentially outing.

But….I’m in a group chat with some other mums. We met at a group class when our kids were babies and they are now 2 years old.

She has mentioned how stressed she gets at dinner time and how she forces her son sit and eat everything on his plate before he gets down because she’s spent time cooking it.

Today she said every time he spat a piece of food out she physically shoved it back in his mouth until he ate everything. I’m shocked that she’s admitted to doing that and find that extremely invasive and unnecessary.

Am I unreasonable for considering this to be invasive and a bit cruel? I know it’s frustrating when they don’t eat, but that’s 2 year olds. Surely force feeding them isn’t right?

The reason I’m asking AIBU is the responses in the chat so far are quite supportive of this behaviour and I am shocked by that.

Her poor child, that's abusive behaviour. Toddlers don't refuse to eat to be difficult on purpose. It's normal behaviour.
The thought of force-feeding my 16 month old makes me feel sick.

This has made me so sad. Who behaves like this?!?

She said ‘it never did me any harm’

I had a (former) friend do the same. She had been 'force-fed' as a child and did the same to her child, from weaning and past 2yo. Adult portions of food too after that, nobody allowed to leave the table until he'd finished his plate. Watching him sit for up to an hour with a mouthful of food was heartbreaking.

She has suffered from anorexia and bulimia plus appalling MH all her life. Her son is now 18, morbidly obese, with shocking MH and bulimic. Please please screenshot and contact NSPCC. This is horrific.

Horrible. I was physically force fed like that, although at an older age, and unsurprisingly I don’t have a great relationship with food. And the foods I most vividly remember being physically forced to eat (carrots and green beans) I still can’t eat as they make me gag.

This is abuse. My ex partner did this to his daughter. She still remembers it now. Needless to say he's currently not in her life at present due to family court proceedings...
She's abusing her child.

I think this is probably a cry for help. She’s your friend and clearly not coping - you need to help her by telling her it’s wrong & giving her solutions. Not posting on here. I should point out that in some cultures (some South asian, African) mums cooking gets blamed if toddlers don’t eat it & mum is deemed a bad cook if it keeps happening. That’s why a lot of kids from these cultures come to school only having eaten 3-4 things and still being handfed as it’s easier to protect the Mum’s reputation.

I agree that's horrible. It sounds as though she needs some parenting class or advice whether she realises it or not. I'd consider reporting it as that's likely to be more effective than addressing it on the group chat.
Her behaviour is totally inexcusable as well by the way. Many of us have toddlers who are a pain at the dinner table and it can be frustrating but they're little people trying to learn and assert themselves. She is acting out her anger and frustration by overpowering and bullying that poor child and depriving him of healthy control over his own body.

Abuse. No other word for it

Don’t feel guilty reporting her. Just imagine how you would feel if someone forced food into your mouth. Then imagine you’re a toddler and the person doing it is booger and stronger than you and supposed to protect you. Then report her.

@Ozanj I see your point and I get we all struggle at times. I have struggled, but in my eyes abusive behaviour whether intentional or not isn’t excusable especially to a young child.
We are not close friends which is why I feel awkward approaching her I’m in a group that I hardly ever write in I just saw this message in there today.

Regarding the cultural differences, I can’t comment on that as I have no experience but I do appreciate that this can have huge impacts on upbringing/parenting.

There is no cultural difference with this person however, so this is not a reason why she would be force feeding him.

Bigger

Bad Mother indeed. even in the days of stricter feeding of children, my old days. force feeding was never done, If a child would not eat something, you let things be, as the child would soon get hungry later, and wont come to any harm. This woman will likely give the child some issues about food and feeding if she carries on like this. 0/10 for the force feeder

IME the people who say 'Never did me any harm' are usually VERY harmed.

yep abuse... you wouldnt force feed an adult because it would be assault.. no difference to a child, if a kid doesnt want to eat then they dont want to eat. im picturing a toddler crying at having food shived down theyre throat 😭😭

I often think that people on mumsnet are too quick to call something "abuse" but in this case I agree. You have evidence in the form of the group chat, I would absolutely take a screen shot and inform social services. If its a wide group chat, they wouldn't know who it was and at this time they might not even do anything, but it is so important that all adults try to safeguard children. A comment from you, a report from a neighbour, a referral from a teacher... it all builds a picture. If you and that neighbour and that teacher all leave it for someone else to do, that child slips under the radar.

If they were of an older age and were asked to finish their dinner or no dessert type deal then each to their own but a two year old doesn’t understand reasoning yet.

Shoving food in their mouth is abuse and also dangerous as they could choke.

I would be extremely worried what else she is doing as the inability to empathise, or make allowances for age, and the need to punish are the kind of red flags you read about in articles about child abuse trials.

If I were you I would screenshot and report.

Also she is clearly proud and unremorseful of her actions or she wouldn’t have talked about it in a group chat so I don’t think frustration can be used as an excuse

You need to report this to SS.

I have experience of this sort of thing (as in neglectful mother/bad bad bad neglectful parenting). In my experience the problem is people enable the behaviour by making polite noises and continuing to engage with this person. You need to actually 1) say out loud that this is not ok. Make it clear 2) leave the group and refuse to engage with this person and 3) report abuse.

I’m so sick of people continuing to stand by these things for the sake of politeness/wanting to be liked. Yes it’s awkward for you but it’s disgusting and just reading this makes me furious! Poor poor poor child.

@PollyPepper

IME the people who say 'Never did me any harm' are usually VERY harmed.

This! Absolutely true. It’s usually a huge red flag whenever anyone declares that.

OP - it’s a horrible situation to be in, but you need to say something. Do you want to maintain your group chat? How much do you value the other women? Because if I wanted to keep the group going, I would feel it important to post something, so that it was clear to the other members that I didn’t think force feeding is acceptable. This doesn’t need to be about reporting it (I would do that separately), but more of a marker to the other women.

After that, I would more formally report it so that SS could do their own investigation.

Na that’s no ok.
I’d fully judge, I think it’s ok to judge abusive behaviour, though maybe not helpful.

Is everyone else in the chat agreeing with her or just silent.

It’s really easy to report @Scoobapro
Take screenshots and either email or call your local social services. Give them the details and that’s it. They won’t identify you, you won’t hear from them what happens next. But you’ll know you did the right thing, giving a voice to a child.
My local council has a simple form for any concerns, they make it really easy. Yours may have similar.
This is ours
www.rutland.gov.uk/my-services/health-and-family/childrens-social-care/report-a-concern-children-and-young-people/

It's abuse. Please do report. What next - smacking him because 'it never did me any harm'? Poor child.

That’s abuse and I don’t know who to report to but it needs addressing. Absolutely awful

Please report her. Screenshots as advised. This made me genuinely weepy – I cannot imagine doing this, that poor kid.