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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Solo Nana Trips

35 replies

SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 15:40

AIBU to refuse to let hands off nana take baby on trips alone?

my MiL has repeatedly brought up taking my 5 month old away in the car on trips on her own. I've repeatedly said no firmly. She then went and asked my husband when I went to the bathroom on our last visit and he said yes, to which I firmly said no. I resent that she went behind my back hoping to get the answer she wanted.

She has never changed my baby and always hands him back for me to do it. She doesn't know how much milk he takes for feeds or how often he needs a bottle. She has not seen him for three weeks and has not even text to see how he is so I think it's hair to say she is hands off. She is keen to take my boy on her own to see a friend who lives about an hour and a half drive away. I am obviously not happy with this and can't be sure he would be changed etc when she's never done it up until this point. I really feel they don't have a close relationship and I know I would be anxious the whole time he was away. Is this unreasonable of me?

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AperolWhore · 11/11/2021 15:44

Your baby = your rules and your husband should back you 100%. If MIL want to do things with baby she needs to make constant effort day to day rather than swanning in and out.

Sauvignonblanket · 11/11/2021 15:47

Not unreasonable at all. But if your OH was up for it he could take her and the baby to see the friend?

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 16:07

@Sauvignonblanket

Not unreasonable at all. But if your OH was up for it he could take her and the baby to see the friend?
He doesn't drive. I offered to take her in the car and she said no, she wants to go alone. I just dont understand why she thinks I would be happy with this when she makes so little effort?
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 16:08

@AperolWhore

Your baby = your rules and your husband should back you 100%. If MIL want to do things with baby she needs to make constant effort day to day rather than swanning in and out.
Thank you, that's my thoughts too. I suspect it's so she can play the doting nana as my offer to drive them was rejected, she wants to go alone with the baby
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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/11/2021 16:11

Nope. I'm normally fairly pro mother in laws on here and dont really get people wanting to keep their baby with them at all times, but in this case, she hasnt bonded with your baby, she doesnt know them well, she basically just wants to use them to show off, in way that is probably going to be a bit uncomfortable (3 hours in the car) and distressing for the baby (spending all that time with her when she doesnt know them)

RabitWhole · 11/11/2021 16:11

Bit fat nope from me. She wants to take your five-month-old on a 3 hour round trip to see her friend? And then factoring in staying there for a couple of hours, so your baby will be away from you with a relative stranger for 5-6 hours? No way! And I would be telling MIL exactly why.

A three hour round car trip isn't ideal for such a young baby any way, there are limits on how long they should be in car seats for. Use this if you need an excuse

JumperandJacket · 11/11/2021 16:14

Tricky one. My MIL was similar and once took toddler DS to the supermarket in his buggy - what can go wrong, I thought?

She got back and told us a complicated story about not being able to find what she wanted in the supermarket and having to spend 20 minutes going round other shops. She then finished her story by saying “And when I got back to
the supermarket, someone had given DS a packet of sweets!”

She had left DS in his buggy in the supermarket while she’s gone other shops for 20 minutes. Just…I can’t imagine how you’d think to do that. I know people left babies in prams outside local shops when they popped inside in the 70s but this was something else…

Anyway, my point is trust your instincts. If you don’t think she can do it, it’s fine to say no and your partner should back you up.

Chocolatewheatos · 11/11/2021 16:33

I say this as my 6 month old baby is currently on a day out with my dad. If you don't trust her, she doesn't take him. I trust my dad will be able to calm my crying baby, that he'll feed him what I've told to feed him. That he'll keep him safe and change his nappy and put his cream on. I trust that he will do his absolute best to look after my baby as his top priority. I don't even trust my mum that much, the only people who have looked after my child without me are his dad and my dad.
Just say no. And that she's making you uncomfortable to keep asking.

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 17:27

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Nope. I'm normally fairly pro mother in laws on here and dont really get people wanting to keep their baby with them at all times, but in this case, she hasnt bonded with your baby, she doesnt know them well, she basically just wants to use them to show off, in way that is probably going to be a bit uncomfortable (3 hours in the car) and distressing for the baby (spending all that time with her when she doesnt know them)
Thank you. I agree, Sometimes there's a lot of mil bashing on here. We get on well as people in all honesty but I don't have enough confidence in her as a nana to hand my son over
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 17:28

@RabitWhole

Bit fat nope from me. She wants to take your five-month-old on a 3 hour round trip to see her friend? And then factoring in staying there for a couple of hours, so your baby will be away from you with a relative stranger for 5-6 hours? No way! And I would be telling MIL exactly why.

A three hour round car trip isn't ideal for such a young baby any way, there are limits on how long they should be in car seats for. Use this if you need an excuse

That's a fantastic angle with the car seat and will probably save some aggro with my husband too so thank you.
OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 17:29

@JumperandJacket

Tricky one. My MIL was similar and once took toddler DS to the supermarket in his buggy - what can go wrong, I thought?

She got back and told us a complicated story about not being able to find what she wanted in the supermarket and having to spend 20 minutes going round other shops. She then finished her story by saying “And when I got back to
the supermarket, someone had given DS a packet of sweets!”

She had left DS in his buggy in the supermarket while she’s gone other shops for 20 minutes. Just…I can’t imagine how you’d think to do that. I know people left babies in prams outside local shops when they popped inside in the 70s but this was something else…

Anyway, my point is trust your instincts. If you don’t think she can do it, it’s fine to say no and your partner should back you up.

Omg I would have hit the roof. I completely agree, I think I should trust my instincts as I know of anything happens I wouldn't be able To handle the guilt
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 17:30

@Chocolatewheatos

I say this as my 6 month old baby is currently on a day out with my dad. If you don't trust her, she doesn't take him. I trust my dad will be able to calm my crying baby, that he'll feed him what I've told to feed him. That he'll keep him safe and change his nappy and put his cream on. I trust that he will do his absolute best to look after my baby as his top priority. I don't even trust my mum that much, the only people who have looked after my child without me are his dad and my dad. Just say no. And that she's making you uncomfortable to keep asking.
Completely understand that and you're right, the trust I need to have just isn't there. It's lovely you have that with your dad, my own mum and dad are great with my son. I am really getting annoyed at her asking all the time
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Bonbon21 · 11/11/2021 17:31

Let me be clear... my mother in law was fantastic with the kids.... from day 1...
But your baby ..... your rules... and your husband should be backing you up 110%.
You say no... then the answer is NO!
No explanation.. no negotiation... just no.

DroopyClematis · 11/11/2021 17:33

Babies should never be strapped into those bucket seats for so long.

Hopefully some Occupational Therapists will hop on board this thread.

WinniesHunny · 11/11/2021 17:34

I've just posted this in another thread but it applies here as she knows no boundaries.

The Three Dos:

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

Whereismumhiding3 · 11/11/2021 17:43

Good good no. Yanbu and I would be shouting, if she went on.

A 3 hour round drive and taking him in her own to see a friend? He's not a f*cking toy to show off, he's a baby!

I wouldn't let MIL have baby at all unsupervised given her inability to do any baby care. I would be having words with DH "are you f-ing kidding me? Don't you dare agree to baby going with her and... you sort her out, I don't want to hear another word from her, not one. She's trying to treat our son like an accessory to show off"

Whereismumhiding3 · 11/11/2021 17:44

@WinniesHunny

I've just posted this in another thread but it applies here as she knows no boundaries.

The Three Dos:

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

GrinGrinGrin
Sally872 · 11/11/2021 17:49

I don't change my neices or nephews nappies when their parents are there. But I certainly know how to and would do it when babysitting. Also I am not always up to speed on their routine but I would ask if I wanted to take them somewhere.

That said it is a long journey I wouldn't be keen on that as a first time leaving baby with her. And bottom line is if you cacan't trust her then you don't have to do it. There may be a time when you would've a babysitter though so don't burn any bridges.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/11/2021 17:53

Obviously a no at the moment, but when she comes to visit have you asked her if she would like to change the nappy or feed him? So often in here MIL gets slated for trying to do anything with baby so is she refusing or waiting for you to ask? Seeing them every 3 weeks is not unreasonable and they will bond. Maybe she can start doing little bits and build up.

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 11/11/2021 18:15

Not unreasonable. You don't need to give any excuses. It's your baby.

My MIL used to take my son for a "walk" and bugger off with him without saying anything.

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 18:20

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Obviously a no at the moment, but when she comes to visit have you asked her if she would like to change the nappy or feed him? So often in here MIL gets slated for trying to do anything with baby so is she refusing or waiting for you to ask? Seeing them every 3 weeks is not unreasonable and they will bond. Maybe she can start doing little bits and build up.
I've asked her and she's said no
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 18:22

@Bonbon21

Let me be clear... my mother in law was fantastic with the kids.... from day 1... But your baby ..... your rules... and your husband should be backing you up 110%. You say no... then the answer is NO! No explanation.. no negotiation... just no.
Agree thank you . Sometimes you start to think you're wrong but actually to have people agree is really nice
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 18:22

@DroopyClematis

Babies should never be strapped into those bucket seats for so long.

Hopefully some Occupational Therapists will hop on board this thread.

Would love that for an extra measure
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 18:22

@Whereismumhiding3

Good good no. Yanbu and I would be shouting, if she went on.

A 3 hour round drive and taking him in her own to see a friend? He's not a f*cking toy to show off, he's a baby!

I wouldn't let MIL have baby at all unsupervised given her inability to do any baby care. I would be having words with DH "are you f-ing kidding me? Don't you dare agree to baby going with her and... you sort her out, I don't want to hear another word from her, not one. She's trying to treat our son like an accessory to show off"

That's exactly how I'm feeling
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:04

@Bonbon21

Let me be clear... my mother in law was fantastic with the kids.... from day 1... But your baby ..... your rules... and your husband should be backing you up 110%. You say no... then the answer is NO! No explanation.. no negotiation... just no.
Thank you. I've been assertive and firm but abs is unrelenting. All it's doing is pushing me further towards no. My son doesn't recognise her having not seen her in 3 weeks so I don't know why she thinks it's even a possibility
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