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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Solo Nana Trips

35 replies

SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 15:40

AIBU to refuse to let hands off nana take baby on trips alone?

my MiL has repeatedly brought up taking my 5 month old away in the car on trips on her own. I've repeatedly said no firmly. She then went and asked my husband when I went to the bathroom on our last visit and he said yes, to which I firmly said no. I resent that she went behind my back hoping to get the answer she wanted.

She has never changed my baby and always hands him back for me to do it. She doesn't know how much milk he takes for feeds or how often he needs a bottle. She has not seen him for three weeks and has not even text to see how he is so I think it's hair to say she is hands off. She is keen to take my boy on her own to see a friend who lives about an hour and a half drive away. I am obviously not happy with this and can't be sure he would be changed etc when she's never done it up until this point. I really feel they don't have a close relationship and I know I would be anxious the whole time he was away. Is this unreasonable of me?

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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:04

@WinniesHunny

I've just posted this in another thread but it applies here as she knows no boundaries.

The Three Dos:

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

Wow that's going to be my mantra going forward haha thank you
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:05

@Whereismumhiding3

Good good no. Yanbu and I would be shouting, if she went on.

A 3 hour round drive and taking him in her own to see a friend? He's not a f*cking toy to show off, he's a baby!

I wouldn't let MIL have baby at all unsupervised given her inability to do any baby care. I would be having words with DH "are you f-ing kidding me? Don't you dare agree to baby going with her and... you sort her out, I don't want to hear another word from her, not one. She's trying to treat our son like an accessory to show off"

That's exactly how I feel too which is all the worse given That she doesn't have any input in his life
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:07

@Sally872

I don't change my neices or nephews nappies when their parents are there. But I certainly know how to and would do it when babysitting. Also I am not always up to speed on their routine but I would ask if I wanted to take them somewhere.

That said it is a long journey I wouldn't be keen on that as a first time leaving baby with her. And bottom line is if you cacan't trust her then you don't have to do it. There may be a time when you would've a babysitter though so don't burn any bridges.

WEve got lots of other help so would never be stuck any my family are all very involved and see the wee man multiple times a week so could all pick up my son if we ever needed help and would be absolutely fine. He also loved being round them and is Obviously very familiar with them
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:08

@HoseMeDownWithHolyWater

Not unreasonable. You don't need to give any excuses. It's your baby.

My MIL used to take my son for a "walk" and bugger off with him without saying anything.

Honestly I've read so many comments on here and people always say they wish they had nipped it in the bud so that's what I'm trying to do
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Wotsitsits · 11/11/2021 19:11

Urgh my DM is a one for this kind of showing off my DC like some sort of toy or prize Hmm

Once I found out she had left DC1 at some random woman's (my mum had known her less than 1 week!) house while she went to the shops.

Her excuses were:

  1. She needed to do the shopping
  2. The house she left him they had older children therefore toys and he wasn't bored

To clarify, she doesn't do regular childcare, we use nursery. This was an afternoon where she had ASKED to take him for a few hours!!!!!!!!!!!

Stick to your guns OP, she's being ridiculous

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 19:52

@Wotsitsits

Urgh my DM is a one for this kind of showing off my DC like some sort of toy or prize Hmm

Once I found out she had left DC1 at some random woman's (my mum had known her less than 1 week!) house while she went to the shops.

Her excuses were:

  1. She needed to do the shopping
  2. The house she left him they had older children therefore toys and he wasn't bored

To clarify, she doesn't do regular childcare, we use nursery. This was an afternoon where she had ASKED to take him for a few hours!!!!!!!!!!!

Stick to your guns OP, she's being ridiculous

Bloody hell sorry to hear this, you must have be so annoyed to hear what had happened. Thank you, I feel much better now. I wasn't sure if I was being too harsh but actually I think I'm just going to have to keep pushing back until she finally understand that I am his mum and I make his decisions
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Cocomarine · 11/11/2021 20:00

I don’t see why she would change him when you’re there. I think it’s silly to say you don’t know if she’d change him on a trip. Given she raised her own children, you really think she’s going to leave him in a shitty happy when you’re not there? She just doesn’t need to change him when you’re there.

Making up bottles… again, why would she know, when he’s with you? I haven’t got a clue how to bottle feed a baby, but if I was caring for one - that’s the time to ask.

Not texting to ask how he is… pointless, really. I’d get annoyed with inane, “how’s my little grandson?” messages. He’s a baby. That’s it. Anything interesting or important - you’d let her know.

So I think YABU on all those points, and I think it’s sweet that she wants to show him off.

However 🤣

No way in hell would I:

  • have left my 5 month old with anyone else (plenty are happy to or have to though, and that’s fine)
  • have allowed a non essential (or at least, not a really desirable to me) 3 hour round car trip
  • taken kindly to her going behind my back!!

So overall you’re totally not unreasonable- but I do think you’re picky on the bottle / changing / questions.

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 20:19

@Cocomarine

I don’t see why she would change him when you’re there. I think it’s silly to say you don’t know if she’d change him on a trip. Given she raised her own children, you really think she’s going to leave him in a shitty happy when you’re not there? She just doesn’t need to change him when you’re there.

Making up bottles… again, why would she know, when he’s with you? I haven’t got a clue how to bottle feed a baby, but if I was caring for one - that’s the time to ask.

Not texting to ask how he is… pointless, really. I’d get annoyed with inane, “how’s my little grandson?” messages. He’s a baby. That’s it. Anything interesting or important - you’d let her know.

So I think YABU on all those points, and I think it’s sweet that she wants to show him off.

However 🤣

No way in hell would I:

  • have left my 5 month old with anyone else (plenty are happy to or have to though, and that’s fine)
  • have allowed a non essential (or at least, not a really desirable to me) 3 hour round car trip
  • taken kindly to her going behind my back!!

So overall you’re totally not unreasonable- but I do think you’re picky on the bottle / changing / questions.

Fair enough. I think she's just very different to my own mum who is very involved. She changes him and makes up a. Little if I am Comforting my son but always asks me First if it's ok to do so which I think is really kind and respectful.

There's no way I would even leave him for that long in her flat, Never mind let him go so far away. I really don't think she would change him, she doesn't seem Confident handling him. I thought she maybe felt she was over stepping initially which is why I have asked her if she would Like to change or feed him etc. I get on well with her as a person in general but really feel she is being unreasonable in continuously pursuing this.

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GalaPie · 11/11/2021 20:36

I could understand if we were talking about taking a toddler in the car to a farm attraction or zoo. Taking the gc out on such a trip is a Nana thing to do (usually ending up with ice cream stained clothes and a plastic snappy crocodile from the gift shop).
But taking a 5 month old out in the car? Whatsthatabout?
I 💩 myself taking my own babies out in the car for the first six months anyway let alone sending them off with someone else.

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 11/11/2021 22:15

@GalaPie

I could understand if we were talking about taking a toddler in the car to a farm attraction or zoo. Taking the gc out on such a trip is a Nana thing to do (usually ending up with ice cream stained clothes and a plastic snappy crocodile from the gift shop). But taking a 5 month old out in the car? Whatsthatabout? I 💩 myself taking my own babies out in the car for the first six months anyway let alone sending them off with someone else.
Yeah a toddler going to the zoo etc is different but he's getting nothing out of 3 hours in the car to see someone he's never met. His nana hasn't seen him for 3 weeks and he was really unsettled with her so I wouldn't even leave them in her flat alone at the moment
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