AIBU to insist on meeting ex-husband's girlfriend?

[mrsh1807]

Hey all

Just some views sought.

Left husband nearly 5 years ago due to his awful behaviour, have tried hard to keep things amicable over the years. Divorced for nearly a year. We have 3 sons aged 17, 14 and 11. His relationship with DS1 almost non-existent due to their historical problems.

So, he's dating his neighbour, on and off for 3 ish years. I have never been allowed to meet her.

They split up last summer and he was on my doorstep everyday almost, crying, texting, calling, breaking down in front of the boys, so I heard all the gory details about their truly dysfunctional behaviour. He even put CCTV up to spy on her! All so sordid but up to him.

Whilst they were apart, ex saw another woman for a couple of months and I was allowed to meet her (his choice), and so were the boys. All far too soon as I warned him but he never did listen....

Since then he has got back with her. The first 2 years of their relationship they pretended they weren't seeing each other to the children (she also has a son aged approx 13) even though they all knew. Since they got back together they are being more open, which is a good thing.

However, there is negative history between her and DS2, and although that seems calmer I have concerns. If DS2 does anything to upset her, she hassles ex until he forces an apology, and he will cry and beg and plead to make that happen. It all seems so irrational. Ex also used to leave the boys at night to be with her, as he was next door he didn't see anything wrong with that. He got caught and hauled into school about that one!

There is history of unfair treatment with her son being allowed in ex's house whilst my boys were not allowed into her house. Also she has been involved in disciplining my sons whereas I imagine that has never been the case with ex and her son.

FYI I have been seeing someone (LDR) for 4 years and have been completely open to him and ex meeting etc, ex refused for years until he was on my doorstep every day! Then he was nice as pie.

So, I want to have a meeting with the gf and ex to discuss my concerns about their historical behaviours and ask them to reassure me by sharing what has changed and how they will be better role models if you like. I'm being stonewalled.

AIBU to want this meeting? You'll all probably say yes! But if the consensus is yes I will walk away. I don't actually want to meet her, I just want reassurance that my boys are safe when with them both, emotionally (not physically).

I am finding this all very upsetting, and just want to let it go, but am worried I'll be letting down my boys if I do just turn my back on it. Saying that, I suppose they can say whatever they like they might not mean it!

Thanks for reading :)

You're not BU to want it.

But you can't insist, she's welcome to say no. You don't have any "right" to meet her.

I don't think a meeting will make any difference. Your DS are all old enough to voice any concerns they have and decide for themselves if they want to go and see their father. Have they said anything? Is there a court order in place for contact?

YABU. As difficult as it is, you don't have a right to meet his girlfriend(s) or a say in how he/they should behave around the children or how he/they should parent when you're not around (and that works both ways, he doesn't have that right towards you either). If you think your children are at risk when with him and his girlfriend then you would need to apply to the family court to change the contact arrangements, if its the case that you don't like it then unfortunately you're just going to have to grit your teeth and bear it.

There’s no benefit to meeting her… firstly, it’s hugely unlikely that it’d have a positive outcome.

But mostly - whatever she’s done, however she’s behaved…it’s your ex that allows it.

You need to take up the issues with your ex, not the girlfriend. Might be different if your children were very small and more vulnerable (but even then the point of reference would be the ex, not the girlfriend).

Yabu. What do you think you will actually achieve? This is not your circus. Your children are not young and can make their own decision about how they feel about their father and what relationship with him they went to have.

You need to butt out, for your own good

Meeting her will achieve nothing. She is unlikely to respond well to you essentially going in to lay down the law and tell her off. If you have concerns then you need to discuss them with your ex - he is the child's parent and he is the one who is responsible for being a role model to your child.

She does not owe you a meeting or reassurance.

Basically he is picking her over his children and their relationship will be damaged because of it, so time to put in ground rules,
Start with you will not force or coerce apologies from our children

Promote contact with dad but don't force it

Its really none of your business who Your ex is seeing. You need to butt out.

If your ex manages to safely look after his children that's your only area of concern. The rest is his sit com/ drama/ unholy fuck up.

So, I want to have a meeting with the gf and ex to discuss my concerns about their historical behaviours and ask them to reassure me by sharing what has changed and how they will be better role models if you like

Yeahhh, you can't force any of this. She doesn't owe you a meeting to explain herself.

It's understandable to want to meet, but im not sure how much impact it will have.
Your ex is prioritising his love life over his children and that will affect his relationship with his children over time.

I'd focus on having open communication with your children and being clear with your ex that he needs to step up and be the parent, and that it's not appropriate for your children to be caught up in his relationship drama

Thanks, yes I think you're right. I'm not going to go ahead.

The couple of you who said it's on him I 100% agree with that. It is. He's already lost one son because of how he's behaved towards him, it's up to him to raise his game and secure his future with his other 2 sons.

I do talk to the boys, but even so I think now is the time to even tell them it's up to them - if they are unhappy with anything, they have to decide whether to continue to go and visit with him. I'll just support them whatever they decide.

They see their elder brother has already withdrawn.

It upsets me, but as you all say, it's none of my business and I need to butt out. So I will. Just be there for them if it goes wrong.

Ugh. Bloody man, cannot wait until I no longer have to have any contact with him ever again!

Thank you.

I get why you are, so no judgement, but you are SO over involved in this.

Why did you hear all the gory details of their breakup? Why are your children seeing him crying on your doorstep
Stop entertaining this man child.

What will you achieve by meeting the new Gf? Literally nothing except satisfying part of your curiosity. If you’re hoping she’ll take over the parenting of your children since he isn’t, i think you’ll be disappointed.

Safe guard your children as much as you can. And everything else that happens is out of your control. You are not this mans wife, his life is of no concern to you now.

Well done for deciding to take a step back, try to be neutral for the children, they need your support to make their own decisions, not for you to add in your (justified) disgust and negative feelings towards their father.

Good luck

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

I get why you are, so no judgement, but you are SO over involved in this.

Why did you hear all the gory details of their breakup? Why are your children seeing him crying on your doorstep
Stop entertaining this man child.

What will you achieve by meeting the new Gf? Literally nothing except satisfying part of your curiosity. If you’re hoping she’ll take over the parenting of your children since he isn’t, i think you’ll be disappointed.

Safe guard your children as much as you can. And everything else that happens is out of your control. You are not this mans wife, his life is of no concern to you now.

Well done for deciding to take a step back, try to be neutral for the children, they need your support to make their own decisions, not for you to add in your (justified) disgust and negative feelings towards their father.

Good luck

Yep, I agree - it drove me mad how he behaved last summer, it was appalling - both of them! That's the issue, I've been party to far too much information, and dread them behaving like that in front of the boys.

I actually really don't want her to take over the parenting at all, I'd much rather he stepped up to that role and kept her out of it. But if he was any good at being a parent I wouldn't have left him.....

I do need to take a step back, it has been causing me so much anxiety recently.

Deep breath taken, decision made. I'm going to do my best to wash my hands of them both. I think I will feel much better if I can.

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

I get why you are, so no judgement, but you are SO over involved in this.

Why did you hear all the gory details of their breakup? Why are your children seeing him crying on your doorstep
Stop entertaining this man child.

What will you achieve by meeting the new Gf? Literally nothing except satisfying part of your curiosity. If you’re hoping she’ll take over the parenting of your children since he isn’t, i think you’ll be disappointed.

Safe guard your children as much as you can. And everything else that happens is out of your control. You are not this mans wife, his life is of no concern to you now.

Well done for deciding to take a step back, try to be neutral for the children, they need your support to make their own decisions, not for you to add in your (justified) disgust and negative feelings towards their father.

Good luck

And he is a complete bloody man child!! Barely much man in there, mostly child

The thing you can now do is make it 100% clear to your ex that double standards don't wash.

You've been open and mature about your relationship for the sake of harmony. He hasn't.

You were gracious enough not to tell him to sling his hook when he came crying and having hysterics. No more.

Basically he's destroyed a. your respect for him as a person who will pit his son's needs first and b. any perception you might have had that this partner is anything other than a complete twat.

So, from now on, you will NOT be supporting contact unless your sons actively want it.

The moment they say they're uncomfortable with the situation or visiting, you'll support them not to go.

Whereas before you would have tried to go with the view that seeing their dad is better for them than not... you now no longer believe that, if he's seeing this woman.

Stupid, but his choice. He's lost your support.

In theory you should be able to meet anyone in contact with your children but in reality it’s not something you gave a ‘right’ to. Meeting her snd laying down rules won’t go well so it’s a pointless exercise in what you’re trying to achieve

So, I want to have a meeting with the gf and ex to discuss my concerns about their historical behaviours and ask them to reassure me by sharing what has changed and how they will be better role models if you like. I'm being stonewalled

Well you don't have a "right" to any of the above, neither he nor she need to reassure you about anything technically, if you have any major concerns the only way to do it officially would be through the courts, but I understand why you want to. So YANBU to want it, but you'd be U to insist.

I'd be very clear with your sons about what is 'normal behaviour'. I had one very dysfunctional parent, who the other one 'covered' for. It took me decades to realise that the dysfunctional parent was narcisstic. I wish even though my normal parent couldn't stop the other one, that they'd quietly said it wasn't ok.

Meeting will achieve nothing. Maintaining distance from his dysfunctional life will be best for your DC in the long run.

@Skeumorph

The thing you can now do is make it 100% clear to your ex that double standards don't wash.

You've been open and mature about your relationship for the sake of harmony. He hasn't.

You were gracious enough not to tell him to sling his hook when he came crying and having hysterics. No more.

Basically he's destroyed a. your respect for him as a person who will pit his son's needs first and b. any perception you might have had that this partner is anything other than a complete twat.

So, from now on, you will NOT be supporting contact unless your sons actively want it.

The moment they say they're uncomfortable with the situation or visiting, you'll support them not to go.

Whereas before you would have tried to go with the view that seeing their dad is better for them than not... you now no longer believe that, if he's seeing this woman.

Stupid, but his choice. He's lost your support.

Thank you, yes I think you've summed up how I feel pretty well.

I can't try and 'fix' this, and as many of you said I shouldn't even try. So I won't.

And yes, I have tried so many times to explain to him what his kids need from him, but he doesn't listen. My job there is done. No more banging my head against a brick wall.

Genuinely I have tried to keep things very amicable, as has he. We have managed our entire divorce and separation ourselves. This is the first big issue that has arisen.

The anger and complete breakdown stems from his refusal to allow his eldest son to visit him in January during the lockdown because he had (following the rules at the time) met a friend or 2 outside for walks. However, ex insisted he still had the other 2 even though we'd all been living under the same roof and so if one had it we all would.

I cannot forgive that, especially because I know it was driven by the GF as she was seeing her parents.

If he'd refused all of them, I would find that easier to deal with. The absolutely rejection of just one child is unforgivable (for me). Breaks my heart that my eldest has had that experience from his father.

What do you want to get out of meeting this rather unstable woman who is dating your unstable ex? Do you actually think sitting these idiots down and telling them off for their awful behaviour is going to make any difference to how they conduct themselves?

What do your sons get out of going to their dad’s? It sounds grim for them.

YANBU to have concerns about how your children are treated when they're with their other parent. Their relationship sounds toxic and if it's affecting your children, that's a conversation for you and their father.

YABVU to expect a meeting with them both to discuss how they conduct their relationship. The parenting aspect of that is firmly on your exH; if I was the new partner I'd absolutely refuse to being interviewed about my relationship and the behaviours therein

Sounds like your ex is thinking with his dick and desperate to bend over backwards and do whatever he can to keep his burd. Even at the expense of the children.

I know what that feels like. I too had to apologise to such a woman for things I still think were reasonable which she deemed unreasonable and made my dad extort an apology out of me to keep the peace. He was begging and pleading with me to phone and apologise to her so I did. To keep the peace. While cursing behind her back. He later found she wasn’t worth it but it took two decades before he realised he’d be better off without her.

Continue to keep the lines of communication with your children open so they can come to you if they are upset or needing reassurance. Or if they decide they don’t want to see him for a while/ever again.

I’m an ideal world you’d be able to meet people who have contact with your dc to check them out to make sure they are ok human beings but that’s not the case just now and you have no right to discuss anything with her. Prob best not to as she sounds as bad as your ex tbh.

Just keep thinking of the day you will be free of him and his drama!