to think he can't have it both ways? (weight related)

[StarryEyedSue]

DP and I love to eat and drink together, good food, wine, really enjoy it. But these lovely feasts are making me put on the pounds.

He has NEVER said anything about my weight. Our sex life is good, but I can just tell he finds me less attractive when I am, well, rounder. And my confidence is lower.

So then I say I am dieting and don't want an extra glass of wine or delicious pasta dinner tonight. But then he looks sad and I feel boring...

AIBU to say it's impossible to be slim and a foodie?!?

You say "you can tell" he finds you less attractive, but how can you tell? Could it be your own preferences for your body shape (which you're entirely entitled to have), that you're projecting onto him?

If you want to be slim for you, tell him that and that you will therefore be watching what you eat. If he's upset, tough. If you don't care for your own sake but worry that he finds you less attractive, start by asking him outright. It may not be a real consideration.

Could you mix it up a bit? So instead of big pasta meals have something like sushi? Which feels like a treat but will be less calorific.

Also if you’re eating out - go for a glass of wine rather than sharing the full bottle.

I LOVE food and wine, but to make it work I eat really healthily in the week to allow a bit of a splurge at the weekends

What he wants you to do is only eat with him and fast the rest of the time.

How can you tell he finds you less attractive when you gain weight?

And why are you doing so much to please him? You eat more to please him. You think he finds you less attractive if you gain weight, so you want to avoid that.

I get not wanting your partner to be hugely overweight or unhealthy etc. But I don't understand why you have to micromanage your weight to be the exact one he finds sexiest.

Of course you can be a foodie and slim.

I made separate carbs to my husband

He has pasta i have "courgetti", i take extra veg and 2 potatoes instead of 4

It has limited sucess but better than nothing 🤷‍♀️

You can do both with an intensive exercise regime otherwise no not really.
Has he put on weight too.

This a decision you need to make for yourself, not by second guessing what you think he thinks about your figure.

He doesn't get to guilt you into eating, or not eating.

@ShowOfHands

Of course you can be a foodie and slim.

This. Eat consciously, only eat when hungry, stop when full,

Get the Pinch of Nom (hideous name I know) cookbooks, they are really good and low fat

I don't think you can do those things every night and not gain weight.

We are foodies here and god know I love my wine but it really has to be a weekend thing.

Staying away from carbs as much as possible 4 days a week helps, mon-thur.

Up protein during the week and veg.
Stay away from all sugar...except alcohol!
Have wine instead of chocolate.

I think you have to do what is best for your body, your health, in the best way for you.

Weekend treats only work for a lot of people I know.

How is he letting you know he prefers you to be slimmer?

Better food choices. Less stodgy and caloric cuisines and dishes; tasting menus with smaller portions; go out for just drinks rather than a big meal and drinks. That way you still get to enjoy food and drink without stuffing yourself. Exercise more. Take up running. Lift weights.

Very few slim people are actually “naturally slim” and I think it’s a silly myth to perpetuate. Most slim people make choices to keep themselves that way.

Just like @billy1966 said, Dh and I can only eat and drink like that at weekends, and even then, we usually go for a long hilly walk on a Sunday to counteract it.

@CoalCraft

You say "you can tell" he finds you less attractive, but how can you tell? Could it be your own preferences for your body shape (which you're entirely entitled to have), that you're projecting onto him?

If you want to be slim for you, tell him that and that you will therefore be watching what you eat. If he's upset, tough. If you don't care for your own sake but worry that he finds you less attractive, start by asking him outright. It may not be a real consideration.

I really agree with this! It's worth having the conversation. I went through a phase when I was much lighter than I am now and definitely noticed that DH enjoyed my shape. But my lower weight also corresponded with a real dip in my mental health. As I've got better I've put on 20-25 lb and - though delighted to be feeling recovered - initially felt very self conscious about it, including what I imagined he must think about it. But when we discussed it, he's been really supportive. Yes he finds it different, but not bad different, and he'd always prefer that I'm well and relaxed than an anxiety-ridden skinny minny! He now takes the time to actively compliment my bigger shape and its really boosted my confidence. Honestly, I feel like I lost the 2 st just with the weight off my mind!

I don’t think what you eat should revolve around him in any way. Eat what you want, you shouldn’t have to eat to keep him company or not eat to be a certain weight for him. That’s really fucked up.

I’m slim and an absolute foodie

It’s all about portion size.

@billy1966 I love your strategy of drink wine don’t eat chocolate. That would be my priority too.

Diet hard in the week and have one night on the weekend when you can go for a nice meal?

Switch wine for gin & slim or vodka and diet coke.

@RedHot22

I’m slim and an absolute foodie

It’s all about portion size.

Ditto Red

As there are two of us, does that mean we are not a silly myth?

Most people can't eat large rich, high calorie meals and drink alcohol every night and remain slim unless they have a top fitness regime (and even then people really into fitness wouldn't eat like that), but it's possible to have nice meals and evenings as you describe and remain slim if everything else is in balance across the week.

What's your food intake, portion control and exercise like across the week OP?

Very few slim people are actually “naturally slim” and I think it’s a silly myth to perpetuate. Most slim people make choices to keep themselves that way
I'm not convinced about that, but it comes up on here all the time. To use the same logic, anyone who isn't slim makes choices to keep themselves that way. I think it's more complicated than conscious choices.

Slim people have found a rhythm that works for them, and often are quite good at knowing when they'e hungry vs thirsty, identifying when they're full vs not clearing their plates because it's there, tend to eat when hungry and stop when full, avoid mindless snacking.
I'm slimmer than DH and love my food. I also think nothing of eating a whole take away pizza to myself if I'm hungry and then another night getting halfway through shepherd's pie and putting the rest in the fridge for lunch the next day if I'm not hungry.

YABU
You can be a foodie and not overeat!
You’re both probably making the mistake of giving yourselves each equal portions of food/wine. When as a woman, your portion size should usually be smaller than a man’s. This is because men are usually taller/bigger than women have have a higher % muscle mass than women- so a higher metabolism.

You are guessing what he is thinking.
This is about you rather than him.

I'm pretty into food as a hobby and weigh about 60kg at 5'7'', but I think that might be largely genetic. Though I am sometimes a little shocked at the amount of food people can eat. I think I eat on average 1700 - 1900 kcal a day, which, unless you are eating only chocolate and cheese, is a pretty substantial amount of food. If I was going for a fancy four course meal at a restaurant, I probably wouldn't eat a whole lot of lunch, as I simply wouldn't be able to stuff my face in the evening otherwise. On a day I'd have a McDonald's, I might eat like this:

Morning: peanut butter sandwich and water (370 ish calories)

Lunch: small spag bol with cheese and coke zero (about 500 calories)

Dinner: large quarter pounder with cheese meal and coke zero (964 calories)

That's about 1800 calories. I don't eat McDonald's every day, but I eat out a lot and don't exactly have a healthy diet, but there's only so much food I can eat. I don't really care for snacks and all of my drinks calories are from booze, I might drink about half a bottle of wine a week, or sometimes more if I'm at a party. I'm active about 4 - 5 hours a week. I do love chocolate desserts though.

I often see people's diets on here and it's either super measured and meticulously balanced/planned, or the poster is talking about being overweight, so I thought I'd offer up something else. My diet isn't good, but it's not making me fat either.

@LubaLuca

How is he letting you know he prefers you to be slimmer?

He instigates sex more often and seems to appreciate my body more, like another poster said. Maybe I should ask him but I think even if he thinks this he would never admit it