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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lonely in my 40’s?

48 replies

Catastrophejane · 11/11/2021 09:30

Coming out of lockdown and trying to revive my social life, but feel like no-one wants to go out, or do anything!

I don’t think I’m an awful person, but feel like I’m the only one to get in touch and suggest going out.

Everyone seems to be busy all the time. Im a single parent and really feel left out.

Am I unreasonable to expect to go out about 3 times a week?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/11/2021 10:20

Out out? Like...to a pub or restaurant? Three times a week?

That's honestly a lot for most parents yes.

I might go out about twice a month and my friends are the same. We're all too busy working plus very tired...

Dropcloth · 11/11/2021 10:40

Why three times? What kinds of things are you going out to do? And are you asking the same people to go with you each time?

It sounds to me like you might need to start doing things which don't rely on you being accompanied?

FreeBritnee · 11/11/2021 10:42

Are you sure it’s not money related and nothing to do with your company? Going out for drinks or meals three times a week would be outside of many people’s budget.

BananaPB · 11/11/2021 10:43

I'm single and a similar age and wouldn't be able to afford going out 3 times a week unless you mean coffee at a coffee shop or something.

idontlikealdi · 11/11/2021 11:49

What do you mean by out?

notanothertakeaway · 11/11/2021 11:55

3 times a week is a lot of socialising

Perhaps better to join a club that does sport or other regular activities. That's a good way to get out regularly

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 11/11/2021 11:58

3 times a week!!!!! Jeez I don’t have the time, money or energy for that. Maybe once a month. Have you considered alternative socialising? Take up Zumba or joining an evening class? Volunteering is a great way to meet people. I know it can get lonely when your single but you can’t rely on other people to entertain you.

Libelula21 · 11/11/2021 12:00

I’m a single parent in my 40s and since my partner died 2.5 years ago I’ve probably been out 6 nights in total.

But yes, I’m lonely too. I have a weekly online zoom book group with 3 friends and that has been a lifeline. I know I need to get out and about more, but not sure how to go about it, and many of my pre-child friends have drifted away.

gonnabeok · 11/11/2021 12:03

OP join the single parents app Frolo- its a lovely community of single parents. They have zoom sessions, meet ups and lots of interesting topics for single parents.it's just won app of the year.Its a start...

Notashandyta · 11/11/2021 12:05

Sounds harsh but mums in their forties with partners probably don't want to go out as much as single mums. It's nothing personal...
And also, yes, three times a week is a lot!

TMChappyascanbe · 11/11/2021 12:07

Three times a week!!!???

Very optimistic.

try three times a month.

memememe · 11/11/2021 12:10

i feel the same, and i agree 3 times a week would be nice, maybe for dinner/drinks once, to the cinema or something and then maybe for a walk or activity class... its finding someone to go with thats tricky. everyones settled down!

Tal45 · 11/11/2021 12:13

3 times a week is a lot IMO. Unless you mean doing every day things like a dog walk or going to a regular exercise class. But going out for drinks or a meal that would be a lot.

Elisemum · 11/11/2021 12:14

3 times per week is madness:) I was doing that in my 20s! Wouldn’t be bothered to be honest, much prefer a glass of wine and Netflix when my kids go to sleep. Once a month - yes, maybe twice

Cheeseandlobster · 11/11/2021 12:29

I think it depends what you mean. Do you mean you would like to go out 3 times a week with different people or groups or with the same people? It's not unreasonable to want to go out yourself that many times but it is to expect others to want the same. I think you might need to look at joining groups if you are not getting the response you want from your existing group of friends. Book club? Sporting group? Walking? Meet Up?

Original poster
Catastrophejane · 11/11/2021 15:29

Good to hear I’m being slightly unreasonable on three times a week! I had an inkling I was maybe expecting too much.

To clarify - I don’t mean ‘out out’. Too knackered for that! I suppose a mix of stuff- maybe dinner once, a quick drink after work, and some social thing- going to cinema/ walk etc.

I think the problem is that when I have the kids ( at least 50% of time) it’s full on and I’m like most other parents- just trying to get through the day so I can lie on the sofa with my bra off watching Netflix.

But when I’m alone without the kids I feel at a loose end. Find it difficult flip flopping between two very different lifestyles- most of my friends have young kids and the married ones certainly have less free time than I do.

I think if I was still (happily!) married, I’d crave adult company less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catastrophejane · 11/11/2021 15:31

Also thanks to PPs suggestions - think I’ll try the single parent app. Probably need some friends in same situation!

Also agree I need to get back into activities. I’ve been guilty of letting the gym drop post -covid. Would make me feel less like an old lady who only speaks the person in the post office once a week! 😁

OP posts:
Twilightstarbright · 11/11/2021 15:39

I agree, 3 times is a lot, especially with the same people. Could you try one exercise activity, one class/book group/WI/meet up group and one dinner/drink/cinema with friends?

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/11/2021 15:40

I’m on Meetup and everyone seems to want to go out constantly - if you join it and are up for things you’ll defo have a crowd to hand out with! What sort of area do you live in?

I have no DC but work 9-5. Between making dinner and exercising I only have a couple of hours left but then I need lots of sleep and want to be in bed by 11

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/11/2021 15:41

Also OP dont you have anything to do at home or is just human company you crave?
I could happily stay indoors for a month and fill my time with activities alone

Chippymunks · 11/11/2021 15:44

Would you go to the cinema on your own? At least then you are out, then maybe join something once a week and then aim to plan one night out a week with friends?

userxx · 11/11/2021 15:48

I'd happily be out and about 5 nights a week in summer, but at this time of year when its getting dark early it's just not as appealing. Money also plays a part, its expensive to eat out these days!

Dropcloth · 11/11/2021 16:10

But when I’m alone without the kids I feel at a loose end. Find it difficult flip flopping between two very different lifestyles- most of my friends have young kids and the married ones certainly have less free time than I do.

From your first post, I was going to ask if that was the issue. The thing is that couples who have their children all the time need to rely on one another to look after the kids if they can't afford regular babysitters, which can require a bit of flexibility -- it sometimes happens that one of us has to cancel something because something big has come up at work for the other one. And if both halves of the couple arrange separate nights out three nights a week while the other one holds the fort at home, that's not much time together.

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/11/2021 16:45

@userxx

I'd happily be out and about 5 nights a week in summer, but at this time of year when its getting dark early it's just not as appealing. Money also plays a part, its expensive to eat out these days!
£4 a pint, £10 a meal (on the cheap side), transport… it all adds up! No I’m not in London
LittleDandelionClock · 11/11/2021 17:13

@Catastrophejane Yeah YABVU. I couldn't be arsed with going out 3 times a week, maybe 2 or 3 times a month tbh.

I used to go out 3 times a week between 16 and 25-ish, clubbing and pubbing and dancing til dawn, but I don't have the energy for it now. I would much rather stay in and watch a film, or something on netflix, whilst snuggled up to DH - or the cat! (Or both!)

I have no kids at home anymore, and have all the freedom in the world, but I have been there done that, partied in my teens and early 20s, travelled to about 2 dozen countries, (with DH, with friends, with family when I was a child, with DH and DD, and on my own.)

And I have climbed the 'professional' career ladder, then jumped off the ladder and took a generous package when they were cutting staff, and am now in a much more chilled job (part time) with very few responsibilities.

I enjoy the pub once a month with DH when we join in the pub quiz, and we go for pub lunches now and again. And I meet my 2 best friends every couple of months for a coffee, and DH and I have a meal or pub lunch with DD and her boyfriend every couple of months too.

But going out 3 times a week in my early to mid 50s? No thanks. And I wouldn't have wanted it in my 40s either. I went to a number of concerts with DD when I was in my early 40s, (about 10,) coz she was too young to go without an adult. And I also went (with DH and DD) on a few long-haul coach excursions around Europe, and long-haul flights across other continents. But in my early to mid 50s now, and in the middle of my menopause, I genuinely couldn't be arsed with anything like that now.

A lovely walk around the countryside that surrounds my village, taking photos of all the beautiful sights, or a coffee and catch-up with a friend in Costa, or a pub lunch with friends, and home by 3pm, or a day at the beach, is more my cup of tea these days.