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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lonely in my 40’s?

48 replies

Catastrophejane · 11/11/2021 09:30

Coming out of lockdown and trying to revive my social life, but feel like no-one wants to go out, or do anything!

I don’t think I’m an awful person, but feel like I’m the only one to get in touch and suggest going out.

Everyone seems to be busy all the time. Im a single parent and really feel left out.

Am I unreasonable to expect to go out about 3 times a week?

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/11/2021 17:17

I'm 37, and a mum (not single). I highly recommend solo cinema. Odeon Limitless is only £13 a month at the moment. DH and I go once or twice a week each. I went last night. Me, giant coffee, and a bag of sweets - bliss.

But honestly I have 3 single early 20s colleagues and even they are not out during the week!

Lasair · 11/11/2021 17:21

Like you said the parents who have there kids 100% of them time don’t want to/can’t go out that much. 3 times a week is completely unrealistic for most full time parents.

Chippymunks · 11/11/2021 17:22

ToykotoLosAngeles I agree about the cinema, I go once a week, about half the time on my own. I love the escapism, I have the cineworld unlimited card, it cost £18.90 per month.

MintyCedric · 11/11/2021 18:00

I'm mid forties, 17yo very independent DD and alas very dependent, high maintenance mum.

I took a sabbatical between lockdowns to care for my dad who passed away earlier this year and have since given up work to support my mum who is 82 and cannot cope with being on her own for more than a few hours, despite being in decent health.

So my already small post-divorce world is now tiny enough to fit on the head of a pin. My only single mate met someone a couple of months ago so I really need to get out and meet some new people, but between mum, and trying to cram in some time with DD it's a bit of a struggle.

I joined Meetup a few weeks ago but haven't actually made it to anything yet. Might have a look at Frolo.

icelolly12 · 11/11/2021 18:04

Three times a week?! Sorry I'd rather be cosied up at home with a hot chocolate

MadeItOut21 · 11/11/2021 18:24

I think people who are married with children can't get out very easily, they don't have clear evenings where someone else is taking the kids entirely. They also have easily available company at home so there's less incentive to make the effort to go out.

Are you still WFH? Going out to work is the best thing ever for me having experienced lockdown. There's not enough money in the world to keep me home 5 days a week...

JovialNickname · 11/11/2021 18:40

See I don't think wanting to meet 3 times a week is that much, I am single and childless though!

I am in my 40s too OP and I think it's just the decade of being consumed by kids, household stuff, work, elderly parents for most women. I have found Meetup really great though - there are genuinely events for like minded people on every single night. You can join as many as you like and they do cinema trips, walks, dancing, pubs, restaurants, everything. All mostly free apart from the actual event cost (eg the original price of the theatre ticket). It's so great and whilst it takes half an hour or so to sign up and choose some groups it's all go from there!

userxx · 11/11/2021 20:08

@MadeItOut21

I think people who are married with children can't get out very easily, they don't have clear evenings where someone else is taking the kids entirely. They also have easily available company at home so there's less incentive to make the effort to go out.

Are you still WFH? Going out to work is the best thing ever for me having experienced lockdown. There's not enough money in the world to keep me home 5 days a week...

Spot on, not a problem if you've got a household for company. I think people are missing the point that the op is lonely.

PlaymobilMania · 11/11/2021 20:15

I’m in a sports group that does running / walking swimming etc it’s quite good as I can just dip in and out as I please - there’s something happening a few times a week. Some women go to loads but busier people might just do one or two sessions a month

FortunesFave · 12/11/2021 02:21

You need a hobby....a social one by the sound of it. I'm married with kids and the rare times I do get to myself I want to do my own thing...be alone.

rrhuth · 12/11/2021 02:28

I agree you need a hobby or a constructive interest or volunteering. You can't really expect others who are not bored to entertain you because you are bored.

Chargreen · 12/11/2021 02:44

Join a gym, classes are really great for socialising, especially when you get to say the same faces there. I don’t know if hobby clubs etc are running now but when they start up again, they’re another great way to meet and chat to people. Echo the cinema pass idea.

3x a week is a big ask from existing friends.

Sciurus83 · 12/11/2021 02:47

Three times a week is absolutely loads. Definitely find a new social hobby, way too much to ask of people, I think I'm doing well if it's 3 times a month!

RainbowMum11 · 12/11/2021 03:02

I am a single parent and also WFH and self employed so pretty much mostly on my own when DC aren't with me.
I volunteer for a local charity which I can mainly do from home but does involve working with others, and I have recently started volunteering at a group that DC goes to which I'm really enjoying too; and then I have gone back to my roots and I'm starting some shifts in my local pub at times when I don't have DC, mainly for the social side of things.

ISpyCobraKai · 12/11/2021 03:25

I'm single and in my 40's too and most of my friends are in relationships, or busy with work, or have dependent kids.
I have none of those.
I've started to go out and about a bit more on my own, after shielding for the best part of two years.
I've been going to the cinema, walks, swimming, cafes.
Not hugely exciting but it's a start, I'm going to do couch to 5K with a group, starting in January so new people there for potential friends.
I've arranged a coffee meet up with someone I know online, who I've been meaning to get to know better for ages, in fact there's another couple of people Icould do the same with.

Is any of that helpful?
If you're near Glasgow I'd happily meet up!

ISpyCobraKai · 12/11/2021 03:32

I do have a Dd, but she's grown up now.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 12/11/2021 04:15

I guess it depends how big the pool of friends is that you're asking to go out 3 times a week!

Personally I wouldn't have the energy or money to do cinema/drinks/dinner in a week as well as work, childcare and running the home. I'm impressed with your stamina!

halloweenie13 · 12/11/2021 04:28

I'm in my 20's temporarily living in a different city to my home city and no I don't think you are , but to go out once a week rather than 3 times. Currently I see family in either city about once a month at least and uni friends twice a month at least, then outside friends at least once a month, but loneliness is real, some weeks I can have multiple plans a week, some weeks for a few weeks I can see no-one.

ISpyCobraKai · 12/11/2021 04:47

3 times a week is fine so long as it's different friends.
I dont think many 40yr olds would be up for going out 3 times a week, or could afford it!

Be careful not to put too many demands on others, 3 times a week would have me filtering my calls tbh.

felulageller · 12/11/2021 05:22

But if you had a friend to go out with 3 times a week when you don't have the DC's what are they supposed to do when you do have them and can't go out?

ShinyHappyPoster · 12/11/2021 05:31

You could ask for suggestions on a local Facebook page. I know our local page for women quite often has posters saying they are looking for friends and then listing their interests. It might feel safer than the apps because you can get more of a sense of the people on FB. Plus usually more than one person replies and it means others know you're meeting up too.

123sunshine · 12/11/2021 06:27

When I was in your situation, I joined online dating and filled my time meeting new people through dates. I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular or serious but enjoyed meeting new people and getting out of the house. A few years down the line I did meet someone who I ended up marrying, but that genuinely was never the goal. I was lonely and wanted to get out more, meet people and have some fun, which I did for a few years. When my kids were very young it was lonely being a single mum sitting in every night whilst they were in bed. Then the time they spent at their dads I had a huge void to fill and you are right friends are often busy with their families or dosing couple things.

justjuggling · 12/11/2021 11:56

I’m a single parent in my 40s too and three social commitments in a week would be impossible for me. I work til 6.30/7 at least 3/4 days a week and spend weekends catching up on things round the house and trying to spend time with my children. Plus I’m shattered and couldn’t afford to go out that often. Twice a month is plenty for me!

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