Is this the last straw?

[2lsinllama]

I can’t believe that this is the issue that ends my marriage but I’m reaching the end. Lots of backstory so don’t want to drip feed but DH has always been an alpha male and I’m sick of it all.
This morning I put the outside lights on as DS has a friend who calls for him. I always turn the lights off when I go to work. DH went out, turned lights off. I turned them back on. He got out of the car and came back in to turn them off.
It seems so stupid but also so ‘I’m the head of the house and I decide when lights are on’ that it’s made me so cross.
Is this the last straw?

I think if that is something that has tipped you over the edge and you can't communicate about it with him, then you have already reached the last straw some time ago.

Without sharing the backstory nobody is going to know, otherwise it’s just “AIBU to end my marriage because my husband switched the light off?”

It probably feels like it. It sounds like the simple action of taking the time and bother to come back and turn them off again to make a point is a culmination of him constantly undermining you and sending a message of "he's in charge".

I'm guessing it's the straw that broke the camel's back? For him to get out of the car though just to switch them off again is really pathetic and I'd definitely think less of someone doing that

He demonstrated that he doesn't respect you and thinks he is superior. That would be enough for me, wouldn't matter what the act was

Did you even tell him you were keeping the lights on on purpose?

@DingDongDenny

He demonstrated that he doesn't respect you and thinks he is superior. That would be enough for me, wouldn't matter what the act was

This.

Hope you are getting organised behind the scenes.

Don't do anything rash before you have things in place.

He sounds an awful twat.

The reason he went to such lengths is that he senses that you've seen beneath his mask and his control is slipping.

Prove him right! Make plans, get out safely.

@SparklyLeprechaun

Did you even tell him you were keeping the lights on on purpose?

I feel like this is a factor without knowing the full backstory

Make sure every bloody light is on in the house for him getting home.. My mates dh did this with the heating. Twat.

does he know why the lights were on?

The final straw can be whatever you decide it is, you sound utterly worn down by him.

@SparklyLeprechaun

Did you even tell him you were keeping the lights on on purpose?

How is that relevant. She consciously and specifically turned the light ON and he got so huffy, and has so little respect for her, that he got out of his car to turn them off? FFS.

Everyone's final straw is different but one thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is it is almost always some ridiculously tiny thing that just makes that final push.

Was it dark?

It wasn’t dark but DS’s friend calls so in the don mornings I leave it on for him. DH knows this. I’m just so tired of the little controlling things. I’m a grown adult, I have a degree and a full time job. I’ve given birth to a child. My opinion should count, even in the little things.
But…
How do I communicate this to him? How do I tell him and the rest of the family that I want to leave my marriage over lights? Because it’s not about that, but it’s also not about anything huge - he doesn’t hit me and he’s not cheated on me but it’s all the little things that wear me down every day. Am I meant to just put up with it because it could be worse?

Read this
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

It's about a couple who split up because of "just little things" and why they are actually big things. It's not new, but I find it useful

Dim not don

You literally don't need to explain yourself to anyone the phrase "I'm not happy" should suffice for nosey people I honestly did not explain myself to anyone when I got divorced if I was questioned I simply said sometimes things don't work out

But you would be surprised by the amount of people who knew my ex husband was a bad person

But of background for those who asked - married 16 years, 13 year old DS. Couple of older children/ grandchildren from his previous marriage. He has history of being very single minded - DSD once said to me ‘ Dad has always been very selfish’ He gets cross with me drinking too much/ being on Ads as it’s a sign that I’m failing. He always has to be better than me.

It sounds like there is a lot of other stuff going on as well. Nothing wrong with being on anti depressants but drinking too much is a worry. Do you drink too much or does he think you drink too much.
Either way you don't sound happy so something needs to change

OP, the ADs and the alcohol use are probably symptomatic of the fact you are married to a grade A wankbadger.

I also stayed in an unhappy marriage far too long because I thought too much about what people would say if I just said "I am unhappy. This is over." It seemed so selfish but it isn't. You don't need to have been thumped/cheated on/abused to want to leave a horrible relationship. It's OK

I would seek some legal advice on the quiet and then make some decisions.

DH has always been an alpha male

Here's you problem. With these types, what you see is what you get - there's nothing underneath, they cannot be shaped into what you want, they cannot be changed. You made one mistake in getting together with him in the first place, don't make a second mistake and stay a moment longer.

I am a firm believer that people can change, but that's only if they want to, and people like him will never want to (which to be fair is understandable, they are at the top of the chain in their mind and they want to stay there).

Sounds rough, OP. I was going to post the cups by the sink thing but dome one else did.

I'd push off, If I were you.

His comment to DSD doesn't sound like he has to be better. Sounds like he expects everyone to live up to his expectations, no matter whether those are realistic or desirable. I bet if you spoke with his ex she'd recognise many of the issues you're having.

It sounds like death by a thousand cuts

Yanbu at all