To feel frustrated that I’m not happier?

[Ungratefulpenguin]

I’m so fed up.
DH and I have been together 20 years and have spent a lot of that living very separately. We have two dc, one secondary aged and one primary aged.
When we had the dc DH carried on life more or less as before. We didn’t become a family unit and he was almost entirely uninvolved. We also never have sex. Oh and he has always had total control of all the finances.
I have become gradually more and more and more depressed and started self harming.
I finally left DH back in the summer but ended up coming back because we’d nowhere to live and dc2 was so very sad about it all.
DH then made an overnight transformation; since then he has massively stepped up with the dc and the house - having previously never cooked once or done a school run etc - he’s also saying all the right things. He wants to support me. He wants me to be happier. Nothing is more important. He loves me so much and can’t believe he made such a mistake. It’s partly his fault I’m so depressed but I’m not on my own anymore. Etc etc.
He’s also had the dc on his own for two nights - which he’d never done before - and I went and stopped with my parents. Oh and suggested a joint bank account.
So why am I still struggling? This is the best for everyone, so why am I still so low? DH thinks I should take medication now because I am still depressed.
I am finding this so frustrating. The anxiety and low mood is ever present and im constantly disconnected.
Aibu to wonder what’s wrong with me? I feel like I’ve got everything I could want and I’m STILL not happy.

To be honest he's stepped up to doing fairly minimal level stuff.

He’s an awful person. A terrible, disengaged father, a cruel, lazy, selfish “partner”. You know that. In your heart you know exactly who he is and what he’s like and this new act is ringing alarm bells in you because you know it’s a lie.

It’s a lot better though, or it should be.
And he’s trying to support me, he says he will come to the dr etc with me.
So why do I still feel like this? No better, basically.

I’m not sure. I expected it to stop but he says this is who he is now and he can’t believe he missed out on so much with the dc.

Would some counselling help you/the both of you work through this? It’s good he’s stepped up but it’s not an overnight fix, talking things through might help

Too little, too late. And you can’t trust that it will last.

We had some and they said I was too depressed to continue 🙄
I just want to feel better. I feel like we came back home, he is now husband and dad of the year, everyone is happy and it just feels weird for me.

It’s too soon. You need more time to find out if this is real.

Because you are completely detached from him and your feelings after years of emotional and financial abuse from him. There was never a warm loving relationship in the last 13/15 years to get back to.

Happiness isn't something you can turn on and off like a light switch.

You say you're not happy - would it help to identify the type of unhappy? The feelings wheel can be really useful for this. But you have a right to your own feelings and you are absolutely entitled to be feeling grief for the 20 years in which he should have been doing what he now is, anger that he didn't step up much earlier and at least when he saw you get so low that you were self-harming, frustration that he thinks he can just plug you back in and reset your factory settings when actually this is a build up of years of stress.

Do you think some talking therapy might help?

Op do you even love him? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I think once you’ve fallen out of love with someone it’s almost impossible to fall in love with them again. You must be waiting for him to go back to normal. I have no advice as I don’t think you can come back from this. If you can’t then don’t blame yourself for leaving, it’s his behaviour that’s caused it.

It will take a while for you to believe in your heart what your eyes are seeing.
I hope you feel better soon, and enjoy it and take advantage of it. Take some time to heal yourself.
I cannot understand how someone can be too depressed for counsellig? Isn't that covered on it? Weird.
At least he is trying OP. We all make mistakes in life. Sometimes huge ones! I hope it is not too late for you.

Nothing's wrong with you - you've had a crap marriage, you don't love him, he's horrible to you and financially abusive, and you want to leave.

You must know suggesting you take meds is gaslighting with bells on - he wants to turn you into a STEPFORD WIFE. Leave, it's only going to get worse, you are self harming out of sheer misery as it is.

Make an appt with a solicitor tomorrow, in the time before you talk to them, pull out as much financial info as you can. Find out what you will get and organise yourself to leave. Then leave. Your kids are upset because it's upheaval. They are far better off without this disfunction.

I didn’t tell him about the self harm at the time but he saw (I’m not proud of it) and he said ‘they’ll lock you up.’
And that was it.
However I am responsible for my own mental health, it’s not really his problem.
I am sad and angry and lonely.

Because you possibly have years of resentment. To be honest, antidepressants MAY actually help…
But really, I think what you both need is counselling (with a different therapist).
Also… ask yourself.. do you really love him?

I’m not sure. I want to want to stay married.
It would be best for everyone.
But I feel like I am treading water all the time. In some ways it’s worse now because he’s here all of the time. He never goes anywhere.

So sorry you are feeling this way.You need some space and time to get your head together. I'd go on medication and seek counselling by yourself to get to the bottom of your feelings.he should move out.if he's really changed he'll step up and help you even if he's not at home.

There's no shame being on meds.I take them because they allow me to be me. They don't block out pain or anger or hurts and I'm not artificially happy. I simply can function within a more normal range of emotions which helps me get on with my life. Combined with counselling they can be transformative.

It isn't "best for everybody" it's best for him.

My DH was emotionally crap for 2ish years, took us 5 years to recover from it.

You haven't got long enough to hope to recover what you had 18 years ago even if you had a great relationship back then.

Yes. And the dc. It’s best for them.

I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’ve been depressed for around 7 years.

Have you been to your GP and considered medication? If you are depressed anti-depressants could help lift your mood and you would then be able to more clearly assess whether you are able to be happy within the current situation.

Did you post about this situation a few days ago OP? This sounds very familiar to a recent thread.

Your waiting for other shoe to drop. You don't quite believe he will stay like this. You could also be depressed so talking to gp might be a good thing.

It's not surprising op that you feel the way you do. You are depressed. Even though things have got better it is understandable that the depression remains. Consider taking antidepressants to restore some balance. Counseling won't be effective whilst you are still depressed. When we are depressed it effects 80 per cent of how we feel. Medication can be life changing, I can attest to that.