To feel frustrated that I’m not happier?

[Ungratefulpenguin]

I’m so fed up.
DH and I have been together 20 years and have spent a lot of that living very separately. We have two dc, one secondary aged and one primary aged.
When we had the dc DH carried on life more or less as before. We didn’t become a family unit and he was almost entirely uninvolved. We also never have sex. Oh and he has always had total control of all the finances.
I have become gradually more and more and more depressed and started self harming.
I finally left DH back in the summer but ended up coming back because we’d nowhere to live and dc2 was so very sad about it all.
DH then made an overnight transformation; since then he has massively stepped up with the dc and the house - having previously never cooked once or done a school run etc - he’s also saying all the right things. He wants to support me. He wants me to be happier. Nothing is more important. He loves me so much and can’t believe he made such a mistake. It’s partly his fault I’m so depressed but I’m not on my own anymore. Etc etc.
He’s also had the dc on his own for two nights - which he’d never done before - and I went and stopped with my parents. Oh and suggested a joint bank account.
So why am I still struggling? This is the best for everyone, so why am I still so low? DH thinks I should take medication now because I am still depressed.
I am finding this so frustrating. The anxiety and low mood is ever present and im constantly disconnected.
Aibu to wonder what’s wrong with me? I feel like I’ve got everything I could want and I’m STILL not happy.

Gosh, if he really has turned things around so that you can actually make a go of things then this is the baby-steps beginning, not a magic wand where everything is suddenly glorious. I'd be very worried if you were suddenly deliriously happy because it wouldn't be real. It's a long hard slog to get out of a deep rut and it's absolutely right that your head takes that cautiously. I would also imagine there's an element of self preservation on your part - he needs to show he can do this because it's the right thing to do, not because he gets a pat on the back or a cheerful wife in exchange. Maybe antidepressants would be helpful, but I think therapy would possibly be more useful to help you process the last chunk of your life and then the transition into this (possible, if it stays this way) new one.

@Ungratefulpenguin

It’s a lot better though, or it should be. And he’s trying to support me, he says he will come to the dr etc with me. So why do I still feel like this? No better, basically.

Because he let you down

This is just a whole parade of red flags.

Do not let him go to the doctors with you. Go alone. Although anyone doctor with an ounce of common sense is going to see right through that control tactic.

You need to get out. It is not in your children’s best interests to be in this nightmare, nor is it in your best interests.

I feel as though I need some space again but I can’t keep dragging my dc back and forth.
I’m wondering if I go on my own.
It seems fairer to, why should he lose time with the dc and the house when the problem is me?

too

I have been in a long term mildly abusive unhappy relationship. If my partner was suddenly nice again, I know I would feel a whole host of negative feelings. 1) resentment that he ruined so many years of our relationship in the first place 2) frustration that he has the control to switch things when he feels like it, not before 3) mistrust because he might switch back 4) lack of respect and love due to the years of being ignored and neglected 5) confusion because I had got used to the status quo. I think it would be worse for me if my partner wanted to be loving again, as weird as that sounds. I wish mine would leave me, but a magic wand would make it all easy and stress free. I understand how you feel. A few weeks of him making and effort is not going to wipe away years of hurt.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel more guilty now about being unhappy because I’ve now no reason to be unhappy. Everyone is just carrying on as though everything is fine and this is all just normal.
DH has never been here at the weekends and now he’s here every weekend. He wants to spend all the time with his family, he says.
He keeps telling me how supportive he is and he’s started to cook dinner a couple of nights a week. Over the last couple of years I have lost a lot of weight as I feel so anxious and I don’t eat very much. I’ve been underweight for quite a while. Again - not his fault.
The only thing is that when I had dc2 I had PND after they nearly died at birth and then they were unwell for several weeks afterwards (fine now) and DH didn’t ‘help’ in any way. Even though I was really really struggling, but I suppose it’s not easy to have a partner with PND and again it is my responsibility to sort it out.

I think you are unhappy because your needs have been ignored for over a decade, you haven't been heard, loved or treasured.

I would be livid that he's suddenly doing all this stuff yet when you were ill he did f all. TBH I would be suspicious of his motivation- doesn't want his image damaged or have to split assets.

Is he still doing the creepy "are you going to leave me" questions and wanting to touch and cuddle you all the time - not respect you need for space physically or emotionally?

Yeah he is. And ‘can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me.’ That’s a new one.
He’s backed off a bit physically.
He just keeps saying I’m not alone anymore and he didn’t realise how bad things had got and how unhappy I was. That he can’t change the last decade and a half but he can change the future and he loves me so much.

To have been abandoned like that when your child has nearly died - that stays with you OP. You keep talking about things with your MH being your responsibility- does that chat come from him? Of course you are responsible for your own mind, but he has clearly had a massive impact on your MH and you have felt rejected and lonely.

How do you honestly feel about him? You can say here in an anonymous forum. Are you angry? Humiliated? Distrustful? It is not coming across that you love him, but totally understand you feeling conflicted because of the children. I think if you want to try and make it work you need to tell him to get to fuck with the narrative that something is wrong with you because you’re not suddenly happy with it all. He needs to respect that he fucked up badly in his relationships, and there are wounds that will not easily heal, this is just how it is.

If you need treatment for depression, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you, it’s a natural response to all this difficult years.

Do you love him?

You are having a normal response to trauma because you've been in an emotionally abusive domestic relationship for 20 years.

The DC's are also exposed to it which is emotionally harmful to them.

Leave and let him be a weekend dad.

I don’t know how I feel about him, I feel sad mostly. I feel sad that he’s trying and it doesn’t feel enough. I feel guilty that he’s trying and I’m still not happy. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to look forward to things and enjoy things, instead of this dread and relentlessness that never seems to lift.
But again - is that just the depression talking?
I don’t feel the relationship was abusive, just that it lacked care, although there has always been an power imbalance.

OP would it help to reframe how you're feeling as PTSD from enduring years of your needs not being met?

I understand you're not ready yet to call it abuse. You're thinking well he never hit me so it can't be abuse.

You don't have to stay in this situation.

I used to enjoy Christmas for example. Now I just feel a total sense of disconnect and dread. It’s waiting for the time to pass so I can go back to bed every day. There’s little to recommend being awake.

You’ve got some good advice here on the relationship

I’d also say that peri can have a massive impact on mental health. If you are in the 40-50s then I strongly suggest you read up on HRT. It can be like a cloud lifting.

It might not fix the marriage but it might help you enjoy the other areas of your life more and help you think clearly about what’s next

I don’t think it was abuse, I just think think it was lack of care. He was generally disinterested in me and the children and never put any effort it.
He used to get up in the morning - hours later than me - go to work (working from home), finish work, lie on the sofa. That was it. He was never here at the weekend or he was lying in bed til late. It has always been that way - that is the pattern we have always had. I did have a couple of years at home when dc2 was born - partly because I wouldn’t have coped with working at that point (pathetic). I now work 30 hours a week and have done for a couple of years now, although my job will never be as important as his.
So he did carry the financial burden which I know counts.
He just did very little else.

I’m not 40 yet and have no other signs of peri-menopause so I don’t think it is that.

This is completely normal OP and I have seen lots of similar posts before.

You've put up with 20 years of neglect, disinterest and what sounds like financial abuse from someone, who has ground you down so much you've become depressed, self harmed and lost weight. And now because he is spending some time with you and cooking twice a week you're supposed to switch off 20 years of hurt and difficult feelings off and suddenly feel happy? Minds don't work like that as if they did, people would get taken in by others too easily. Your mind is protecting itself. You need time - time to heal, time to see if he is being genuine, and time to decide if this is what you want.

If someone has been treated badly for so long, of course they're not going to turn round and feel all lovey dovey towards the person that's treated them badly. You have 20 years of evidence that he is not a nice person, why would you have loving feelings towards him? He also changed for selfish reasons, not because he realised he was behaving badly, not because you asked him, he changed because he didn't like you leaving and he didn't want to be single. I dont think 'good dad and involved parent' is really who he is, otherwise he wouldn't have ignored you all for so long.

What I'm trying to say is you have 20 years of evidence he is a shit person and you'd be mad to ignore that and a lot of the stuff he has done is unforgivable...so why should you forgive? I know you want to but it's a feeling that you can't force

A couple of other things.

You keep saying that your mental health is your responsibility. No. If youd had a perfect life and were still miserable then maybe but you've lived a horrible life because of him for so long, and are depressed as a result, how can it not be his fault? I really doubt you would feel this bad if you'd lived with a supportive partner. Maybe it's only you that can sort it out but that doesnt mean it's your fault. If he had hit you and broken your arm, it would be his fault and his responsibility but only you could do the physio to make you better. It sounds as though both you and him think he has been only a small part of the problem rather than the root cause.

And it's not always best for the children to stay. It doesnt benefit them having a mum who I suspect still does more of her share, who (rightly) resents their dad for all the shit he put her through and who is depressed because she feels she should live with him.

Be kind to yourself. He is home more - great, start doing things just for you. Go sit in a cafe and read a book or magazine. Go out for a walk or a swim. Start a hobby you've always wanted to do. Join a book group or something. Force yourself to do things and rediscover your own identity. See a counsellor and speak to your doctor about how you're feeling. Look into leaving again, can you manage this financially? If not what can you do about this? Do you work? Is there anything youd like to retrain in or do a course on? Don't feel guilty about planning to leave, even if you decide not to in the end it is sensible to have a back up plan in case

Thank you
I could manage financially, I’m pretty sure. I think I’d have around £2,700 a month with child maintenance which should be doable. That’s after tax.
I want to go away this weekend on my own but my parents say I shouldn’t leave my dc because he could use it against me.
It’s not so much that I want to leave them with him but I know he wouldn’t let me take them with me because last time I did that we didn’t come back for five weeks.

@Ungratefulpenguin

I’m not 40 yet and have no other signs of peri-menopause so I don’t think it is that.

Ah ok. You must have been quite young when you met him then? It does sound like your mind is trying to tell you this isn’t right for you.

Yes I was very young and I’ve been paying for it ever since.

Def talk to a therapist. You have wonderful kids out of this marriage and you went into it with hope. It’s ok to move on if you need to. But a therapist can support you in that