Mean girls

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

My DD is 7.

Just come back from a club where a few girls from her class go. The girls are in a group and their mums are too.

These girls have been calling my child a name. It’s a silly name. Not offensive. But she’s didn’t like it. It upset her. And she asked them to stop. They persisted. She told the club leader. She dealt with it. But it continued. She tried to tell the leader again but was ssshh’d.

She came out upset. Doesn’t want to go again and told me these kids are the same in school. She hears them saying her name and whispering about her.

Naturally, I’m absolutely livid. I know the mums. They’re just the bloody same tbh so it’s no wonder their kids are. I’m so cross. I don’t think I’ve been this cross before.

I’ve text class teacher on this app thing asking for a call tomorrow and given her the gist of it.

What can I expect?

What shall I say to my DD? I’ve told her that she is awesome and her time is valuable and to play with kids that value her and her time and are always nice to her not just some times like these little so and so’s. And told her they don’t deserve her.

I hope this makes sense. Please help guide me through this. It’s been one hell of a week already 😭

Can anyone advise me?!

Wait till the teacher comes back to you. You've done the right thing contacting the school.

Does your DD have a group of friends not including that lot?

I feel for you. I have the same with my DD 7. The parents are also just as bad. It's so sad.

She doesn’t have any close friends. But there is a lovely little girl she’s been walking to school gate with. I’ve arranged for them to do that daily now and meet for a play date too. Her mind is just lovely too. And her sister is in my youngests year. So word out well 🥰

@ScrumptiousBears

I feel for you. I have the same with my DD 7. The parents are also just as bad. It's so sad.

What have you done And told your daughter to do?

What name are they calling her?

Find her a new club with kids that dont go to her school. Creates a safe space for her

It’s a name that rhymes with her actual name. Tauntingly.

Yes she had the option of changing if she still wants to of course x

Mu dcs had the same, started call ds a girls name that’s was similar to his name, so like Paul, Pauline. He stared to do it back. And asked the teacher to support him and I’d check back with her in a week to sss if it improved.

I told him I wouldn’t tell him off for calling the a name back. But he was to try to do it with ad little emotion as possible otherwise they would carry on.

I would take a different approach. I would say 'how silly' those girls were being and act like they were very silly and as though them calling her a silly rhyming name didn't matter. It is silly and it isn't a big deal. If you act like it is the end of the world where can your DD go with that?

@Youngatheart00

What name are they calling her?

Does it really matter? She's asked them to stop, she's upset by it.

Hope the school help her, OP.

I don't have any advice but I think you've done the right thing. Sorry this is happening to you and your little one.

Your so right about the parents being like the kids. Kids are mimics, if they go home and hear mum and dad bashing people and being mean then they'll think that's how you make yourself feel good. I remember that the meanest girl in my year was my friend for a while. I went to here house and it was so toxic, mum badmouthing people, dad saying 'oh he's fat' 'she's ugly' etc. It's no wonder.
Try building up your daughters self esteem. It's easier to brush comments off if you know your worth. Try not to bash them too much to her, it's their behaviour not them as individuals that were wrong. Remember they are young too and could be unaware of jokes sometimes going too far.

I taught DD the phrase, "whatever" and a withering look. Eye rolling if she can do it.

By all means talk to the teacher and do whatever else you can. But what it boils down to is not caring what idiots do or say. That's the skill. And you need to model that.

I used to do faux empathy as well. "Imagine being that mean. The world must be so sad for them. Imagine your hobby being trying to be unkind to other people. Yuk". You have to behave as if they don't have the power. You and your DD have it.

Social clubs can be rotten. Activity clubs are better. Because they doing something and the activity is the important thing. I preferred solo stuff. Climbing/martial arts rather than team sports.

I feel a bit sorry for the teacher tbh. You've messaged her out of school hours, about something that happened out of school, and want her to call you tomorrow in her lunchtime/after school, for something that seems quite trivial to me.

Why couldn't you contact her in school hours? Why, if you've told her what's happening and asked her to investigate, does she also have to call you? When parents contact me with such urgency it's usually for something far more important.

If this was my child, saying that some kids were rhyming her name with another word, I'd be minimising the importance of such 7yo silliness not implying, through my actions, that this is a devastating blow.

You've got 11 years of education ahead of you. Teach your child how to respond to such minor taunts and do her a favour in the long run. Drop the teacher a message explaining the situation, explaining what you've done about it, and just ask him to keep an eye on it/general class chat about kindness etc.

It is heartbreaking when it is your child but she is going to encounter mean girls throughout her schooling (and sometimes she may well be one of those mean girls). Most of them will be going along with it because they don’t want it to happen to them. They are being horrible but it does happen to nearly everyone. She/you should tell the teacher so that they are aware of the situation and can keep an eye on it. It sounds like you are encouraging other friendships and that was always the most effective thing with my DD.

I get the feeling sorry for teacher thing. I text her last night as that how it happened. She chooses when to read and respond to it. I’m not demanding she does respond last night 🙄

It’s a fantastic school. My child had EXTREME anxiety when starting this term (new building for juniors) and it took weeks of hard work and patience to get her to enjoy going in. I won’t let anything challenge her enjoyment. And I think the school would agree an certainly welcome knowing a child is distressed because they want them all there happy. A happy child is own who can absorb learning more efficiently. And that is good for results. The problem with education is the many teachers and schools who don’t care and who turn a blind eye to this sort of thing.

And it’s happening in school not just her club. Same girls. I feel less upset about this morning but more assertive. And maybe a little angry still which I need tj shake off

Agree with the pps saying you need to remove the power snd not make a big deal out of it. They are teasing her to get a reaction - if they stop getting one they will get bored. It’s bitchy but in the scheme of things it’s not so bad.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I taught DD the phrase, "whatever" and a withering look. Eye rolling if she can do it.

By all means talk to the teacher and do whatever else you can. But what it boils down to is not caring what idiots do or say. That's the skill. And you need to model that.

I used to do faux empathy as well. "Imagine being that mean. The world must be so sad for them. Imagine your hobby being trying to be unkind to other people. Yuk". You have to behave as if they don't have the power. You and your DD have it.

Social clubs can be rotten. Activity clubs are better. Because they doing something and the activity is the important thing. I preferred solo stuff. Climbing/martial arts rather than team sports.

I think this is the approach I'd take too.

You shouldn't be contacting the teacher out of hours that's unfair it could wait until the morning. I agree about teaching her resilience and let her not to react they only do it for a reaction innthe first place.

I never had any name calling from girls at school, it was always the boys. It's not a girl thing. The school should have zero tolerance of it, even if it's minor, it is still unkind.

@MrsTerryPratchett agree with this!

Its easy as an adult to suggest not making a big deal of it, ignore it etc (which is what an older teen or adult might do) and as a longer term strategy that's useful advice.

Right now though this is a 7 year old who has to spend 5 days a week at school with this group of children. Suggesting a 7 year old can just brush it off is a tad naive.
(Just look at some of the workplace or relationship board posts about friendships - even adults don't always 'brush it off').

And it isn't just happening outside school (as the OP says) so is relevant to the school.

At dd's school they are keen to nip this sort of thing in the bud and would prefer to be made aware of it (the teachers are excellent).
In their bullying policy they particularly speak about group activity, where a group of children single out another. That's a classic bully tactic - make the group fear that they'll be the next target if they don't comply. They take this sort of behaviour seriously.

OP hope it gets sorted. As others have suggested, an activity with non school kids might be an idea.

Its easy as an adult to suggest not making a big deal of it, ignore it etc (which is what an older teen or adult might do) and as a longer term strategy that's useful advice.

Which is why I said to talk to the teacher as well. I agree that both are necessary.

Agree play it down. If they get a reaction they will continue and kids often take the lead from the parents. You can say I understand why you are upset but its not big deal and take no notice of them
My brother was an extreme target for bullies, he literally couldn't of cared less - made fun of his shoes he wore them into the ground type of thing. They always gave up and ended up quite admiring him
They do it for a reaction, if they get none they generally move on !