Mean girls

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

My DD is 7.

Just come back from a club where a few girls from her class go. The girls are in a group and their mums are too.

These girls have been calling my child a name. It’s a silly name. Not offensive. But she’s didn’t like it. It upset her. And she asked them to stop. They persisted. She told the club leader. She dealt with it. But it continued. She tried to tell the leader again but was ssshh’d.

She came out upset. Doesn’t want to go again and told me these kids are the same in school. She hears them saying her name and whispering about her.

Naturally, I’m absolutely livid. I know the mums. They’re just the bloody same tbh so it’s no wonder their kids are. I’m so cross. I don’t think I’ve been this cross before.

I’ve text class teacher on this app thing asking for a call tomorrow and given her the gist of it.

What can I expect?

What shall I say to my DD? I’ve told her that she is awesome and her time is valuable and to play with kids that value her and her time and are always nice to her not just some times like these little so and so’s. And told her they don’t deserve her.

I hope this makes sense. Please help guide me through this. It’s been one hell of a week already 😭

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I feel a bit sorry for the teacher tbh. You've messaged her out of school hours, about something that happened out of school, and want her to call you tomorrow in her lunchtime/after school, for something that seems quite trivial to me.

Why couldn't you contact her in school hours? Why, if you've told her what's happening and asked her to investigate, does she also have to call you? When parents contact me with such urgency it's usually for something far more important.

If this was my child, saying that some kids were rhyming her name with another word, I'd be minimising the importance of such 7yo silliness not implying, through my actions, that this is a devastating blow.

You've got 11 years of education ahead of you. Teach your child how to respond to such minor taunts and do her a favour in the long run. Drop the teacher a message explaining the situation, explaining what you've done about it, and just ask him to keep an eye on it/general class chat about kindness etc.

Trivial?

It is anything but!

@workshy44

Agree play it down. If they get a reaction they will continue and kids often take the lead from the parents. You can say I understand why you are upset but its not big deal and take no notice of them My brother was an extreme target for bullies, he literally couldn't of cared less - made fun of his shoes he wore them into the ground type of thing. They always gave up and ended up quite admiring him They do it for a reaction, if they get none they generally move on !

Generally, but not always

And however you try, some kids just aren't that resilient

@Bananarama21

You shouldn't be contacting the teacher out of hours that's unfair it could wait until the morning. I agree about teaching her resilience and let her not to react they only do it for a reaction innthe first place.

The teacher doesn't have to read or deal with emails till she's at work.

The number of minimisers on here.

Were you bullied?

How many of you thought it was 'just a bit of fun' whilst you did it?

It's hideous, whether it's at primary or secondary and not enough is done to stop it.

@Nanny0gg

The number of minimisers on here.

Were you bullied?

How many of you thought it was 'just a bit of fun' whilst you did it?

It's hideous, whether it's at primary or secondary and not enough is done to stop it.

Yes I was. And it was 1970s bullying so it was violently abusive. Someone using a silly, not offensive, version of my name to be a little arsehole was a Wednesday.

DD has also been bullied. Including physically. She has SEN. And I did talk to the school but also teach her resilience and tactics for minimising it. And some kids aren't as resilient. But that doesn't mean you don't try to instill that.

And I'm not sure people are minimising the impact bullying has. Just talking about the tactics for dealing with it. Anti-bullying policies are all well and good. But we meet bullies in the world where there are no teachers around. We need skills as well.

I really disagree with people who say don't rise, bullies will keep doing it if they get a reaction. At this age I think it's good to let those children know how upsetting their behaviour is and how much damage it can cause, we've all seen the headlines. At this age they mostly think it's funny rather than being deliberately malicious and they need to be shown that it isn't.

Your DD also needs good strategies, being able to remove herself from those children, have knowledge in her own value and that she is better than their silly behaviour but that it's okay to be upset by it because, if it continues, it is mean and even adults get upset when they encounter mean behaviour. We have had more practice at dealing with it.

There’s a great children’s book I’ve got called “ how to fill a bucket”. Shows how people treat each other affects self esteem, and mentions that people who bully others think it’ll make them feel better inside but it doesn’t, it makes them feel worse too.

I agree you did the right thing contacting the school. I’d be on it to show that it needs to be dealt with and that you’ll be monitoring the situation.

Other than that I’d probably work hard to encourage her positive friendships, maybe arrange some play dates with people she likes, and attempt to make some distance between her and the mean group.

A small, mean part of me wants you to suggest some horrific rhymes for the other kids names…..but that clearly would escalate this situation and be immature.

I hate the way society is set up like this. The OPs DD shouldn't be the one having to come up with tactics for dealing with bullying. The bullies should be told their behaviour isn't acceptable and if they do it again they'll be consequences. I wouldn't be able to get away with constantly mocking a colleague at work. Why should school be any different?

There's many things I shouldn't know how to do. I shouldn't know how to administer naloxone, because there shouldn't be addiction. I shouldn't know how to deescalate situations because everyone should stay calm. I shouldn't know how to drive defensively because everyone should drive safely.

The fact is, life isn't perfect. The two worst bullies who treated my daughter poorly had really dreadful home lives. Like really really dreadful. Of course consequences might work but some children are treated so horribly at home I doubt consequences at school would touch it.

I am so cross on your daughters behalf. It is so absolutely frustrating when parents can’t see their children’s behaviour as nasty, unkind and bullying. A group of girls being nasty to another girl isn’t on but their parents won’t get it because ‘It’s only a name blah, blah , blah.’ I have to deal with these types of behaviour and it’s absolutely exhausting! The parents are mostly incredulous as to why I’m bothering them about ‘Perfect Pearl’s’ behaviour because of course she’d NEVER do a thing like that and the other girl must be over sensitive or making it up!
Sorry for the rant but there are an awful lot of parents who need to wake up and smell the coffee.

I'm really sorry that your little girl is feeling sad. Ultimately you can't eliminate this type of thing, and, as pp have said, most probably your daughter will find herself both perpetrator and victim of this type of behaviour throughout her school years.
My personal stance would be, ignore this type of behaviour. It's silly and childish( they are 7 after all).
It all depends on how easily your daughter can learn to not let things affect her. If she can't, that's not a fault or a weakness, it's just how she is, you will just have to change strategy. Not saying it's right but realistically, if you "save" your daughter by going in hard via school/ parents etc, how will she deal with things that are more hurtful. Nobody can get told off for not inviting your daughter to a birthday party or sleepovers for example.
Encourage other friendships to give these girls less power. You'll probably find that everyone is getting along in a couple of weeks anyway.

I'm wondering how long this has been going on? Is she usually close to these girls and part of the group?
If it's a new thing then it's very likely it will be some other girls turn to be the black sheep next week. It's usually the cruel way friendship groups work at this age
DD 10 has a group of friends ( about 5 of them) and there's always one girl who falls out of favour each week depending on how they feel that bloody week).
Teacher is aware and reminds them to be kind but has done little else.
Friendships can be awfully toxic at this age.

Sounds very minor to be honest and you said it wasn't offensive. I do think contacting the teacher out of hours and demanding a call back because some kids called your 7 year old a name that rhymes with her own is a bit much.

Your DD should name-call back. If other parents get unhappy - then just shrug - kids be kids.

@LettertoHermoine

Sounds very minor to be honest and you said it wasn't offensive. I do think contacting the teacher out of hours and demanding a call back because some kids called your 7 year old a name that rhymes with her own is a bit much.

Ever been on the receiving end?

@Nanny0gg I was the dirty, neglected child of an alco so I got my fair share of nasty name calling. There is a huge difference in calling a child a word that rhymes with her name that is not offensive and downright bullying, nasty name calling. Yes it's annoying, yes the child doesn't like it but to text the teacher out of hours expecting a call back over something like that is a little trivial to me.

Example....Oh there's Holly Dolly v Oh there's Smelly Hermoine with her burst shoes and her dirty hair, don't sit beside her, you will get fleas.

[quote LettertoHermoine]@Nanny0gg I was the dirty, neglected child of an alco so I got my fair share of nasty name calling. There is a huge difference in calling a child a word that rhymes with her name that is not offensive and downright bullying, nasty name calling. Yes it's annoying, yes the child doesn't like it but to text the teacher out of hours expecting a call back over something like that is a little trivial to me.

Example....Oh there's Holly Dolly v Oh there's Smelly Hermoine with her burst shoes and her dirty hair, don't sit beside her, you will get fleas.[/quote]
I am sorry that you suffered that.

But it is the intent that has the effect. What you went through was horrific. But relentless 'just' name calling which also means you're excluded from that group has a long lasting effect too and shouldn't be minimised. It's not a competition

My DS is 14 and was having problems from 3 boys name calling him 'pretty boy' he is i suppose but in a good looking way. In all honesty another 2 in the group of 6 had the 'boys banter' perpetually thrown at them so one was always about his height as he is small and then another was always referred to as fat. So the three boys within their group of 6 left each other alone but picked on my son and the other two. The trouble is it was all the time so not the occasional put down. In the end, my DS has taken the proactive approach and does not hang around with them anymore. He is 14 though and has found that hard enough, at 7 it is hard not to react by being upset by it, it definitely needs school involvement at that age for the sake of both the bullies and the bullied. My DS has been asked by the one who teases the most why he has left the group of 'friends' he has told him and his response was slightly remorseful as he said that DS is welcome back to the friendship group whenever he wants but he hasn't apologised so I think DS is not going to hang out with them anymore. It is important in life to be proactive and not reactive as you can only change your reaction to how you see things but I know that is easier said than done.

Little girls sniggering in a group about another child watching on can be awful no matter what they’re saying. I wouldn’t say I was ever ‘properly’ bullied but I can still remember a few incidents that have stuck with me for 30 years because of how they made me feel. And some people have the ability to make whatever they say have a devastating effect due to the tone they use.

When I was 8 I went away with the Brownies. For various reasons none of my friends could go and I was the youngest with the others being 9 or 10. I remember sitting on my bed, minding my own business, trying to teach myself the sign language alphabet from a leaflet I’d found and practising the letters while saying them out loud, but quietly. One of the leaders’ daughter, who was older, probably 12-14, was holding court across the room with some of the other Brownies and suddenly called across ‘What are you doing?’ Sounds like a reasonable question written down but the tone she used immediately made me feel stupid. I told her practising sign language and she replied ‘aren’t you meant to do that silently?’ The other girls erupted into peals of laughter and I had never felt so stupid in my life despite the fact that actually I wasn’t doing anything stupid at all.

The next year a girl I thought was my friend asked me to share a room with her but while we were still getting there on the bus she abandoned me for kids she’d never met before (two groups always went together). Later we were outside and she and this group were running about so I kept trying to get to them to ask if I could play only for them to run off again. To begin with I thought they were mid game and it wasn’t anything to do with me being there but finally she turned around and shouted ‘stop following us!’ And they all laughed and ran off again.

Small, insignificant events but they made me feel shit and I still remember them so clearly 30 years later. So I would hate for little girls to be making my daughter feel like I did. I would also hate it if it was my daughter doing it so I would like to think you could speak to the mums, because I would absolutely deal with my daughter if she was acting like that, but you’ve said the mums aren’t much better so you probably wouldn’t get much joy from appealing to their better natures.

@Nanny0gg My point is that bothering the teacher out of hours for a matter that could have been discussed next day is out of order especially when it was for some inoffensive, silly name calling that rhymed with the kids own name. Had it have been some serious nastiness, I could understand it.

[quote LettertoHermoine]@Nanny0gg My point is that bothering the teacher out of hours for a matter that could have been discussed next day is out of order especially when it was for some inoffensive, silly name calling that rhymed with the kids own name. Had it have been some serious nastiness, I could understand it.[/quote]
The teacher doesn't even have to read her emails till she's in work.

And my point is, because it wasn't what you suffered, you keep diminishing it.

And I don't agree with you.

@Nanny0gg and I don't agree with you and that's ok and what these boards are all about. I think it is too petty to text a teacher out of hours about and you don't. Simple.
I stand by my point that is silly, inoffensive stuff like the OP described and doesn't warrant the big furore.

I'd just tell her that the other girls are just being silly little babies by rhyming her name. Laugh at them. Oh bless them, aren't they funny little babies, you have to make allowances, DD, they're only very young. It's not their fault that they are so much less grown up than you.

They likely will stop out of embarrassment at being thought babyish and it will do them good to feel what it's like to be made fun of.

"The teacher doesn't even have to read her emails till she's in work."

Most teachers check their emails, or Seesaw, or whatever app they're using.

I know I check mine in the evening for anything serious - lots of safeguarding issues in my school. Sometimes a parent messages stuff in the evening that's just for my information - an absence or something, and I don't actually mind that, it doesn't prey on my mind or anything.

But this issue is not serious enough to warrant immediate action, not trivial enough to be simple housekeeping. It's not fair. It was prompted by something that happened outside school hours, off the school premises, and was relatively minor if you consider the whole bullying spectrum. It could have waited.

I am interested to know what the school's response was though, and whether the issue is now resolved op?