Child to Parent abuse more common than people think

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www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2021/11/08/children-young-four-reported-police-abusing-parents-figures/

Saw this trending last night and channel 5 did a report on it
as the parent of a child on the spectrum its something I follow as its my worst nightmare, the son to mother ratio is.... interesting which us why I'm glad it's recognised as a form of DA
I know kinship carers are more at risk of this issue
some people view that if the child has some kind of Neurological issue it should not be considered abuse, i do have skin in this game so im conflicted i can see both sides. it's disturbing how little support there is.
I have a child who displays PDA so yes, very anxiety driven controlling behaviour /challenging behaviour so far we've managed to nip more serious behaviours in the bud but not a teenager yet.

So do you think Child to Parent Abuse is more common than people realise?

It isn't talked about because we want to protect our children
Even the police were not good initially. Once SS met with the police and I was marked as a domestic violence house things improved.

It is not talked about, it is a silent "shame". No one knows the true extent of my difficulties at home.

(By difficulties I mean an often living hell.)

As the parent is an autistic daughter I think it is quite common. I'm in a parenting forum for parents with autistic girls and every day someone posts for advice about anger and aggression. But we minimise it because we feel like we are failures or we don't want to get social services involved. Plus at least one response will be 'if this is tough for you think how much harder it is for your daughter'. Which is true but that doesn't help when I'm being yelled at or hit or made to sit facing away from her while she goes to sleep.

I've spoke to to CAMHS who say they can't help as she's not suicidal. And that I should just tell her violence isn't ok - because clearly I haven't already done that

I'm on an autism parent group and somethings I hear are just atrocious, on one hand I do silently judge and think how did you allow your child that much control but some children's meltdowns are so violent until you've experienced it, my 5 year old once dislocated my arm during a scooter related meltdown, scary stuff

It’s sad but not surprising. You see it on here all the time. Almost always late teens/adult son to mother. Mother won’t tell police or even ask him to leave the home because she won’t “ruin” his life.

CAHMS are as much use at chocolate fireguard,

how are they still going?

Children as young as four?

For me, I would question the labelling of four year olds as abusers because that implies that they have power when they don’t.

That’s where my discomfort lies. Yes, children can do horrible things to adults but I don’t think an abuser is the right label. I put paedophiles and wife beaters in that bracket. But not children who have not matured yet, their brains have not finished developing and they aren’t fully appreciative of their actions in the same way that an adult is.

It doesn’t mean it should be treated seriously. But given the way that the police handle certain matters, I’m not convinced that they would handle this the right way either.

There is no help, no one cares, no one gives a damn. A diagnosis of autism and virtually every services washes their hands of you.

I would also question the neurological status of the child aswell @Iggly

my DS when he was 5 during a meltdown dislocated my arm in the street mid meltdown so was an extremely dangerous situation i was alone, but hes on the spectrum and it definitely displays meltdowns are very different to tantrums

My DD has been violent and hurt me for years, since she was 6. No one will help her. She needs a lovely counsellor.
My jaw still aches from when she smashed a grill handle around it in the summer.

I think a massive issue is that the funding for services to support families have been cut. Issues like this will be sadly at the bottom of the pile, especially if people are seen as “managing”.

Another parent with an autistic child. Preteen at the moment. The verbal and physical abuse is directed at all of us.

The toddler is scared of her and cries so has to be taken away, unfortunately she's starting to copy some of the things she says which is quite upsetting to see how easily influenced little ones are ("I hate you!" and not even three yet! Direct quotes from older sister). Older siblings are hit and screamed at as are parents and we've been spat at. We've had to remove her from the house for a week/weekend to protect the other children from abuse.

I left her bio dad due to DV so it's really uncomfortable seeing this behaviour from her. She's doesn't know him and was an infant when I left, so there's no copying or influence involved. They're meltdowns/sensory processing difficulties and very, very common to live with this from the countless ASD support groups I'm involved with. It actually escalated with lockdown last year, being out of school and the isolating life unleashed this as well as extreme anxiety/OCD. We had to pay privately for therapy as no NHS support was given. CAMHS was refused but at least we were finally able to get an NHS diagnosis.

We seem to actually have it pretty easy in that she's mostly a lovely sweet child, some parents have no option but to agree to all year residential placements to protect everyone. It's very sad.

@Iggly if you've not faced the anger and aggression that can be unleashed it's hard to imagine. And I'm not saying it is conscious abuse I know my child is panicking and that's why she lashes out but the end result is me being hit and shouted at. And that does feel like abuse to me. I can't get help anywhere my daughter won't engage in any of the strategies we have and CAMHS won't see us. My mental health isn't their priority (obviously as they are a children focused service) and they are so overwhelmed we haven't moved up the waiting list in 18 months. We have a private diagnosis of autism but can't afford £160/ hour for any more therapy- almost bankrupted ourselves going private when DD wasn't eating.

To be honest, having it acknowledged in this thread that I'm not alone has helped a bit. But today DD hasn't gone to school and she's been shouting all morning. DH is in bits as he doesn't know what to do. I've taken a sick day and I'm about to catch up on some sleep.

[quote Chrysanthemum5]@Iggly if you've not faced the anger and aggression that can be unleashed it's hard to imagine. And I'm not saying it is conscious abuse I know my child is panicking and that's why she lashes out but the end result is me being hit and shouted at. And that does feel like abuse to me. I can't get help anywhere my daughter won't engage in any of the strategies we have and CAMHS won't see us. My mental health isn't their priority (obviously as they are a children focused service) and they are so overwhelmed we haven't moved up the waiting list in 18 months. We have a private diagnosis of autism but can't afford £160/ hour for any more therapy- almost bankrupted ourselves going private when DD wasn't eating.

To be honest, having it acknowledged in this thread that I'm not alone has helped a bit. But today DD hasn't gone to school and she's been shouting all morning. DH is in bits as he doesn't know what to do. I've taken a sick day and I'm about to catch up on some sleep. [/quote]
No, I’ve been at the receiving end at abuse from adults (sexual and violent) and that’s why I wouldn’t put it in the same bracket.

I would call it something else to be honest.

And I've been on the receiving end of violence and sexual abuse from adults when I was a child and an adult. And being hit and shouted at every day with no end in sight feels pretty similar to me

My friend is experiencing something like this. Her preteen son isn't diagnosed with anything though she has her suspicions, but he has experienced a lot of trauma in his life due to previous abuse by his step father. He's a very confused and angry little boy and he manifests this by being violent towards my friend a lot. He's big for his age and often leaves bruises, he's even threatened her with quite serious violence, but when she reaches out to various services for help the only response she seems to get is that he's a child, he's been through a lot, she's his mum, so she needs to just suck it up. Once they determined that he wasn't being violent to the other children in the house they couldn't have given less of a shit. I'm reluctant to use a label like "abuser" for him but it doesn't change the fact that my friend is getting regularly beaten up in her own home and it's apparently not only legal but not even enough to get more than a shrug from most support services.

My son is eleven ,he has severe autism and learning disabilities, he does hit out ,mainly scratching and biting ,but s lot of it is frustration as he's non verbal, cognitively he might understand on a very basic level that he's hurting me by biting etc but it's not the same as a child who fully understands the consequences of their actions.

ASD and PDA here and yes everything went downhill in the first lockdown. We have had things kicked etc. but it hasn't really escalated to hurting us, although I could see it happening in the future. It is very hard work and a daily struggle to keep the peace....

A lot of the children abusing parents will have addiction problems, MH or learning disabilities. It doesn’t help that when social services are called their focus often seems to be on taking away the younger / NT kids ‘to protect them’ as it’s probably easier to find foster homes for them. When their focus should be on taking away the abusive child and getting them help.

@Chrysanthemum5

And I've been on the receiving end of violence and sexual abuse from adults when I was a child and an adult. And being hit and shouted at every day with no end in sight feels pretty similar to me

There’s a very different power dynamic though? Being a parent and adult is different to being a child in these situations.

@Iggly

some of the posts you might read about teenage children can be very disturbing and definitely tread that line
and definitely cross over into domestic abuse

Children on the spectrum require control to calm their anxiety which is why they can be so rigid, without proper discipline they can attempt to control the household, parents as a child grows older, especially when sons get bigger than their parents, it can very fast become an abuse situation

I do agree 4,5 is too young, after my son hurt my arm his scooter was locked away for a week, and was absolutely bollocked he didn't take it well but im glad he understood some consequence.

My middle child is still awaiting an assessment - but I'm fairly sure she gets the idea and practice of of abuse from my ex. Her assaults are occasional and very violent usually she will use an improvised weapon. She is constantly rude and spiteful, hurtful and nasty. The sooner she leaves home to sooner I will get on with cutting her out of my life completly. I won't even regret it. My mental health is a complete joke now and she gets worse all the time. Lockdown was utterly hell and there isn't any support, nothing I can do. Basically we are all stuck, wondering is she might killl one of us before she leaves.

YANBU

I remember a few years ago, posting on here on a different name, about how my young child (under 10) had punched me in the face and broken my nose. I got responses about how I was the parent and needed to take control and not stand for that.

Child to parent abuse is awful, and people who don't live it, don't understand it.

I'm not sure arguments about the terms used is in anyway helpful and is in fact one of the reasons that is is just brushed under the carpet, it is easy to just see it as not being that bad or just poor parenting if it just referred to as a 'difficult situation'

Last night I got told to "F. Off. You C*nt" for asking he kept the noise down as I was going to bed. Had that been DH I would be being told to LTB, my son? It's just a shoulder shrug situation.