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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex DH and maintenance

35 replies

LatteLover12 · 09/11/2021 18:55

ExH and I have had a private arrangement for child maintenance since we split 6 years ago.

At first it was £300 then £250, then £220 and most recently £193 pcm.

This month he has taken off another £50 because he 'bought x a couple of t-shirts' for one of the boys.

This isn't the first time he's done this. Anytime he buys our boys anything he reduces my monthly payment and I've had enough.

He contributes nothing beyond this eg school uniform/trips etc.

I don't believe he's been paying me enough anyway but this month is the last straw.

AIBU to resolve this via CMS?

AIBU to tell him I will no longer deliver our two children to him on a Friday night (eow, 30 mile round trip).

Any tips gratefully received.

OP posts:
Udouhun · 09/11/2021 18:58

Go through CMS and make him pick them up himself.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/11/2021 18:58

Of course go through cms. No question at all. And no I wouldn't be doing the driving either, regardless of the inevitable 'who moved'? question. You do everything 26 days a month so I think he can step up twice a month.

Original poster
LatteLover12 · 09/11/2021 19:03

Thank you both. He moved. What do I do if he refuses to bring them back on a Sunday?

Sorry, I know that sounds a bit spineless but this is the last element of control he has over me (the money) so I know he'll fight me on this.
He was emotionally/financially/sexually abusive in the marriage.

OP posts:
froggybiby · 09/11/2021 19:06

Do you know how much he earns? It might go both ways...depending on earnings / how much he has the boys. I hope you get it sorted.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 19:07

Go through CMS. If I was you I'd carry on taking them if he always brings them back. I wouldn't mess around with contact just to spite him as it'll affect the kids.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/11/2021 19:10

If he doesn't bring them back he'll presumably be doing the school run early Monday morning? You have to call his bluff on this. Realistically, is he likely to do that? Spell it out to him. You do every single school run, dentist appointment, hobby and activity, inset day and sick days I bet. Why should you have to do 50% of the tiny amount he DOES do?

Brainfogmcfogface · 09/11/2021 19:17

Go through cms but beware they are totally shit, I’ve been waiting 7 years and even though he should be paying he’s always managed to weasel his way out and even though I gave them evidence he can pay they still haven’t done anything except send some letters (lot more to it then that but just want to forewarn you they aren’t necessarily going to get the money for you, I’m not alone either, I know 4 people personally who have had little to no success with them too).

cowburp · 09/11/2021 19:20

I'd go through CMS but keep doing the contact as arranged. Contact shouldn't be linked to maintenance.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 09/11/2021 19:23

I wouldnt have ever considered bit going through cms with an abuser.

Royalbloo · 09/11/2021 19:24

Whether he is reasonable or not depends entirely on how much he earns.

BackBackBack · 09/11/2021 19:24

I'd carry on taking them if he brings them back. If you are worried about him keeping the kids then it's worth getting a residence order if you don't already have one.

Definitely go through CMS for maintenance.

cowburp · 09/11/2021 19:26

@Royalbloo

Whether he is reasonable or not depends entirely on how much he earns.
The deduction of the cost of t-shirts he's willingly bought them has nothing to do with how much he earns. He can't just decide to spend the money he gives OP for food on tshirts.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/11/2021 19:27

Go through CMS. Making arbitrary deductions of his own is not on.

IncompleteSenten · 09/11/2021 19:28

I'd go through CMS and say he will have to do the pick up on a Friday and you'll collect them on a Sunday.
If you do it the other way he'll probably turn round on a Sunday saying I'm not bringing them, you fetch them or they stay here. At least with him collecting he either does it he doesn't but he can't mess you about re them coming back to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2021 19:30

£193?! What a bizarre amount.

CMS immediately. And you don’t have to tell him if you know he’ll kick off. They’ll do that.

Taking money off for clothes is beyond pathetic, what a total fucking loser.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through as well Flowers

Get the full amount your children are owed. And on the off chance it does go down, unlikely, at least he won’t be reducing it for clothes. Twat.

Theunamedcat · 09/11/2021 19:32

Go through cms and when you get the kids back perhaps get advice on how to formalise arrangements if you feel he won't return them

Its unlikely you will be able to suddenly stop doing the driving as you have set a precedent by doing it for so long

In the meantime ask him to not bother buying them clothing if he is going to Dock the maintenance by text get it in writing so you have evidence that's what he is doing because it's financial abuse

Original poster
LatteLover12 · 09/11/2021 19:35

Thanks so much everyone.

He recently started a new job and although he's not a high earner buy any stretch of the imagination the £193 would equate to him earning between £18 - £19k. He's 43 and has worked in his industry for 20+ years.

He was on £26,000 when we divorced. I am the higher earner but he used to take all my money.

I'll see if I can get the Friday/Sunday switched over.

OP posts:
Original poster
LatteLover12 · 09/11/2021 19:38

Thanks @Theunamedcat I've asked him not to buy things as they both have plenty of clothes. He just ignores me though and claims that the clothes they arrived with weren't suitable or didn't fit.

He once reduced my payment by £21 for some new shorts as he claimed our youngest arrived without any. There were two pairs of brand new shorts in the bag with the tags still on. He still reduced my money.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 09/11/2021 19:40

Just to add, if you are concerned he won't bring them back, make sure you also get a formal agreement in place that names you as the resident parent. Make sure that it specifies contact arrangements along with who drops off and picks up and what time.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/11/2021 19:52

See its that sort of shit with the clothes that makes me have zero sympathy for the 'well what does he earn'? responses. Leaving aside the fact that less than £200 pm for 2 kids (or even 1) is utterly pathetic, he's clearly just dicking about and trying to point score. To the pp who said contact and maintenance aren't linked, no they are not. As in, you can't withdraw contact because they don't pay. However, if one adult is giving another the run around and being a dick, the other adult does not just have to meekly say 'oh OK then'. I'm all for not weaponising kids, absolutely but there are limits to it when one side is taking the absolute piss. The op is raising the kids, doing all the day to day. Literally all. He does fuck all. If he is going to be as petty as this over clothes, I think she is perfectly entitled to work to rule too... Its HIS contact, so HE can make it happen.

Gliderx · 09/11/2021 20:21

CMS. Don't know why you haven't already. You have more patience than I would.

I wouldn't drop off/pick up either. He's not going to keep them given how little he can be arsed to do for them. Besides anything else, presumably he has to be at work on Monday so it's an empty threat.

Bananarama21 · 09/11/2021 20:24

Hes a disgrace disgrace it's a control thing. Go through cm and stop dropping the dc off.

FreedFromHomeSchooling · 09/11/2021 20:29

Go through the CMS, agree that you drop off & he drops them back.

Newmumatlast · 09/11/2021 21:21

Share drop off and pick ups (you pick up Sunday) and go through CMS. Reducing money is ridiculous. We bought my stepdaughter clothes all the time when she needed them - at one point a whole new wardrobe worth. Never did we reduce the monthly sum. To me, that maintenance is for the general things required but it has to be anticipated that there will be extra things required at times which exceed the routine planned for bills

HugeAckmansWife · 09/11/2021 22:22

But why should she share the pick ups and drop off? He doesn't share any of the other 95%? This is a huge bug bear of mine. Because the travel to and from is between the two parents and often is a bigger journey than the day to day it seems to be an assumption that its fair to share this chore, but if the RP does every other damn thing, why should they also have to do 50% of the nrps tiny little bit of parenting?