Ex DH and maintenance

[LatteLover12]

ExH and I have had a private arrangement for child maintenance since we split 6 years ago.

At first it was £300 then £250, then £220 and most recently £193 pcm.

This month he has taken off another £50 because he 'bought x a couple of t-shirts' for one of the boys.

This isn't the first time he's done this. Anytime he buys our boys anything he reduces my monthly payment and I've had enough.

He contributes nothing beyond this eg school uniform/trips etc.

I don't believe he's been paying me enough anyway but this month is the last straw.

AIBU to resolve this via CMS?

AIBU to tell him I will no longer deliver our two children to him on a Friday night (eow, 30 mile round trip).

Any tips gratefully received.

He literally does nothing for them. He doesn't even feed them in a Sunday afternoon before he returns them.

Thank you all for your comments, I feel much more empowered reading them all. I've only put up with it this long because I've learned it's easier to keep the peace and I never wanted the kids to feel stuck in the middle.

Even if the money wasn't increased it's legally enforceable I think so if he dicks around with the amount again I can complain (although I hear you loud and clear that CMS are shit).

I'll be contacting them tomorrow (when I'm not at work).

OP, if he's employed (rather than self employed) a claim via CMS should be fairly simple. I'd start a claim definitely. I had to do this to stop my ex using maintenance to control or punish me (his words).

If he moved, travelling is down to him. Not you. You have to stand up to him.
If he's going to be an arse it's pretty easy to obtain a child arrangements order. I managed that without a solicitor. This will set out an order that he has to abide by.

Don't let him bully you any longer. I am so sick of reading posts like this about men like him. Good luck

Hi OP. I was in a very similar position to you and recently switched to CMS. You can do it online which is easier as they are notoriously awful about phones. They won't get involved unless you can show missed payments, I applied 3 times with evidence of reduced payments and they rejected it each time. So what I did the last time was use their calculation of what I should have been getting each month and put together a letter with spreadsheet showing the reduced payments as missed payments - so for eg. If I was owed £400 a month and he had paid £100 a month I wrote that out as
Jan - £100 running total - -£300
Feb - £100 towards debt (missed payment) running total -£600
March - £100 towards debt (missed payment) running total -£900 etc.
Then once I had the total of the debt for the financial year I divided that by the amount he was meant to pay per month - so say it was £2000 divided by the 400 per month = 5 missed payments.

You'll need to submit the application online and ask for collect and pay. Tick the missed payments box for why and then attach a letter setting it out as above as your evidence along with a bank statement showing all the payments he has made for the financial year.

They've been absolutely shit in terms of communication but brilliant in getting my money back. In our case they did an attachment of earnings order. My ex was also abusive and used the money as a means of control so I made sure that his anger was directed at CMS by saying that I had just asked them to calculate how much they thought he should be paying, that they'd asked for loads of info to make the calculation, including bank statements to show payments and that what they did after that was nothing to do with me. I even had a moan with him about how hard it is to get hold of someone on the phone. I would do similar if you fear him kicking off.

It's been brilliant abs now I know that the money can't be used against me I feel completely empowered to stand up to him about other things. The feelings of fear abs control have gone. I really hope that the same can happen for you and that you can get to a place where you are free from the fear.

It took 3 months for them to pay me anything but they clawed back £4000 of debt which was amazing.

Good luck. You got this.

@ShadowsInTheDarkness thank you ❤️

Just a quick update, I've just applied to CMS.

Hands are shaking but I've done it! Thank you all so much x

Good for you!

@LatteLover12

Just a quick update, I've just applied to CMS.

Hands are shaking but I've done it! Thank you all so much x

💪🎉

Well done.

Well done op. It simply takes everything out of your hands and puts the emphasis firmly in his lap. If he tries to have a go, simply say 'going via the cms ensure that you pay what's required, ensures the dc get the required amount, and protects us both' say it again and again and again

Also, there's no way I'd be dropping the dc off to him. I think when we first leave a person like this, we are still hard wired to 'help' I fell into that trap and would ferry the dc around whilst my ex paid and did the bare minimum. After a while I stopped. Which means now, the dc are at school he collects them from school on a Friday and brings them home on a Sunday. So once the dc are at school on Friday i can have a long weekend away with friends and don't have to worry. It's bliss.. my ex also threatened to keep the dc on a Sunday, so I called his bluff, ok no worries, you'll have to come and get their uniforms for school etc etc. funnily enough they came back Sunday as normal. It's about control

Good for you op! Really well done, that took alot of courage.
Let him do the Sunday drop off.

The hassle of getting dc ready for Monday will focus his mind.
If he brings them back late, do not bat an eyelid. Don't say a word. Just 'whoo boys, yay, lets get that bath running'
He will realise that being an ass bringing them back late will eat into his own personal weekend time. The lateness will stop.
I speak from experience.
And one more time. Really well done. I never had your courage.