Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I over reacting…

32 replies

Nov910 · 09/11/2021 17:28

I don’t know where this post is going to get me..I know the general consensus is to say leave..it’s so hard to figure out what I want..maybe someone can help. Everything is cut down of course but the gist is.

Met a guy 5 yrs ago. Plan was to live together in time. That’s not going to happen. I’m a weekend gf and will be for the duration of us. He seems fine with it as ‘he can’t change it’ I’ve had my moments, he’s given silent treatment, it’s been crap.. but I love him and made the decision to go with it..it has its pros.

However I have issues that have arisen slowly and that’s really hard to get your head around after such a long time.
The easiest way to explain it is, he’s got the mentality of a child..he seems to want constant reassurance and recognition and will sulk if he doesn’t get it. Trust me I’ve read about this to death..how does someone hide this side of them for years?!

Something happened at the weekend where I was invited to something..I heard him on the phone ( was sat close to him) make an excuse for me not to go. I was so upset and broached it with him. He genuinely seemed absolutely lost as to why I was upset..he seemed to think his reasons were completely fine and he was doing the right thing. I genuinely believe he did it for the (his) best reasons and was thinking of me..(it involved travel) as he got upset when I tried to explain to him how it made me feel? Basically pushed out and he didn’t want me to go. Yet how he sees it as the right thing to do rather than just ask me baffles me.
AIBU?
This then brought something else up where he turned round and said ‘it’s non of your business’ I then got upset. I feel like I’m only good enough for weekends and as and when he feels?!
I can deal with the weekends, I’m not sure I can deal with this lack of awareness around him that most people would find unreasonable?

OP posts:

Glitterandunicorns · 09/11/2021 17:38

You're not over reacting. It doesn't sound like you're getting what you want or need out of this relationship though.

It sounds like you don't just want to be a weekend girlfriend. It also sounds like he's not treating you well in saying he sulks if you don't say the right things.

I'd also suggest he wasn't thinking about you when he said he didn't want you to go to the event; he didn't want you there.

To be brutal, it sounds to me like he's just not that into you. If he was, he'd want to take you out and see you more and find ways to make it happen if travelling was difficult.

Either way, you don't sound happy with things as they are.

Original poster

Nov910 · 09/11/2021 18:45

@Glitterandunicorns thanks for your reply.

You’re right. I feel worn down with him, I can and do put up with a lot that most wouldn’t. He’s a really loving, kind nice guy. But he has a very childish selfish side to him and I find that hard to digest after all this time.

The way t describe the invite is that HE would find the journey hard..therefore HE says no..it’s not the 1st time it’s happened. He would agree with me and did apologise, sadly by this point I’m upset and lose rational of it all hence my post

OP posts:

Helenahandbasketbing · 09/11/2021 19:13

He sounds truly awful.

Original poster

Nov910 · 09/11/2021 21:31

@Helenahandbasketbing I can see why you’d think that..but there’s a reason we’re still together. He does have lots of lovely points. Just makes me sad he thinks this way

OP posts:

Yayaga · 09/11/2021 21:34

You are worth a lot more than this

Helenahandbasketbing · 09/11/2021 22:43

Don’t settle for scraps @Nov910. Everyone is worth more than that.

Throckmorton · 09/11/2021 22:50

I settled for something like this for a few months years ago. I look back and wonder what on earth possessed me to think I was only good enough to be someone's weekend amusement. Honestly, ditch this guy.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/11/2021 22:55

I'm sure it's not too late to get back on the phone and say YES you will go! Go without him if he doesn't want to go.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2021 23:00

You really need to figure out why you are willing to accept the meager crumbs this twat throws your way, and only when it fancies him, of course.

You are his doormat.

Sparklesocks · 09/11/2021 23:07

You deserve a partner who wants to share their life with you and not compartmentalise you into time which suits him. Five years is a decent chunk of time so I understand your hesitance but think of the sunk costs fallacy here. Don’t waste any more of your time with him.

Phoenix76 · 09/11/2021 23:08

Picture yourself still living this life, 5, 10, 15 years down the line. Really picture it, is this really what you want your precious time on this planet to be spent doing? Over this time, I guarantee you that he’ll take more liberties with making decisions for you, making you feel unimportant but leap in with his power charged loving when he feels you’re close to ending it all. Ultimately, it’s your choice, I know what I’d do but that’s me, this is you - to answer your question, no you’re not over reacting.

RobertaFirmino · 09/11/2021 23:27

At risk of sounding like a complete hun, you deserve the very best. We all do. This isn't it.

Original poster

Nov910 · 12/11/2021 09:21

Thanks all. Well we spoke, for a long time..went round in circles. He apologised, I just felt we didn’t and can’t resolve things. I feel so gutted if I’m honest. He has so many good qualities but sadly our limited time and things like this make me question it all.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 12/11/2021 09:37

Bin.

Nutsaremynemesis · 12/11/2021 10:09

You’re making him a priority whereas he’s just treating you as an option. You deserve more.

Original poster

Nov910 · 12/11/2021 11:19

I feel gutted. Like he could be such an amazing partner if he just wants so selfish at times. I know he is who he is and I’d never want to change anyone. Sad times

OP posts:

irrate · 12/11/2021 13:11

You are worth so much more than this op. Please walk away from him he is not a good person, 5 years and your still only a weekend girlfriend! Are you sure he hasn't got a weekday girlfriend on the go telling her the same things.
He is having his cake and eating it please cut him off and enjoy your new life without him.
He might have good qualities but no one who actually cares or loves thier partner has them as weekend only for 5 years!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 12/11/2021 13:14

Lack of awareness ? He's very aware trust me.
He's taking you for a mug , you need to spend less time trying to work our what's going on in his head and more time prioritising yourself. You can do better.

Toomanyradishes · 12/11/2021 13:23

You are worth a full person, you dont deserve part of someones life, part of someones attention, part of someones love, you deserve all of it. Dont stay with someone who only thinks you are worth part, not if that doesnt work for you. Fine if you want a bit of fun with limited commitment, but if you want a full relationship dont let someone fob you off with a little part of what you deserve

Bookworm20 · 12/11/2021 13:32

What was he saying that was 'none of your business'? Was this about the invite, because surely thats totally your business. or something else?

Him not letting you choose to go to this thing surely is none of his business!

BingBongToTheMoon · 12/11/2021 13:33

It is sad and you’re allowed to be sad…..but it’s already been 5 years of this nonsense and this treatment.
You absolutely deserve better.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/11/2021 13:36

It always makes me sad when i read threads like this.

He is treating you horribly.
You are wasting your life.
Leave him.

WonderfulYou · 12/11/2021 13:52

You’re making him a priority whereas he’s just treating you as an option. You deserve more.

I agree.

You just have to decide how you want your life to be.
You can stay with him and be half happy or you could go and find happiness elsewhere.

steppemum · 12/11/2021 13:53

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

It always makes me sad when i read threads like this.

He is treating you horribly.
You are wasting your life.
Leave him.

I so agree with this.

he has you dangling on a piece of string.

You are worth so much more.

Please, find your self respect and leave.

Original poster

Nov910 · 12/11/2021 16:01

Thank you all. This is one of the hardest things to deal with as I love him and vice Versa. We are great together when we’re together but yes it’s all on his terms.
5 years is enough to know wether I’m worth involving more but then I see him be like it with others and have started to realise as much as he loves me it’s when he’s getting what he wants.
@Bookworm20 it’s complicated to explain but basically again he’d done something that he could have mentioned that I found really odd (after having a convo around something v similar) and in his defence as he knew it was odd said ‘it’s non of your business

OP posts:

Flip

1 2