Sweets / chocolate

[Elambert83]

Anyone else fed up with grandparents blatantly disrespecting your wishes as a parent?
I see them weekly and EVERY time they buy my daughter sweets and chocolate.
My daughter used to have a healthy relationship with food but now is becoming aware of choices and refuses healthy foods in favour of these.

I have expressed my wishes over and over and they say things like 'they aren't any grandchild of mine if they don't like chocolate' 'grandparent privileges' etc.

I have recently had another baby and she is not even 5 months yet and its started and against my wishes bought her a big bag of white chocolate buttons. She is not yet eating and they have completely gone against this so fear that they will bring in unhealthy choices too early that ill end up with a child who will refuse the healthy options if I don't have it out iwth them.

I don't want to cause a family rift but stuck feeling like my opinions don't matter for my own children.

I forgot to add, my eldest daughter 3, drinks water and they are determined to change that and every time I explain she prefers water (which she does) they give her big cups of strong squash or sugary milkshake.

I feel like lying and saying she has recently been to the dentist and she needs to reduce sugar in her diet

Children having sweets or chocolate does not stop them eating healthily as well. It's the children that never have these treats that end up greedy and having problems with food. I used to see it at parties, you knew the children that didn't have treats would be shovelling the sweet treats in, those allowed them were blase about it.
Also, when they hit secondary, it's full of 'unhealthy' choices.
Mine were allowed treats and in their 30s now, they have never had a filling nor a weight problem, they actually, very rarely eat sweet stuff now by choice.
Your child is only seeing their gparents once a week, it won't harm them.

Just don't have the chocolates and sugary drinks in your own home.
Your children demand crap all they like but you control what happens at your place.
Sounds like there's a power struggle going on between you and the GPs which is a bit pathetic ( them) but I'd let it go - while also tipping out half the drinks while no ones looking.

Actually I think you're right here. A little bar of chocolate like a Freddo is an acceptable treat once a week from grandparents I think. Better if they follow it up with an apple or a drink of water. But going against your wishes with swèet drinks is not okay. Giving chocolate to a 5 month old baby is ridiculous.
Do they have dentures? Maybe they've forgotten everything they ever knew about good dental health. Tell them if they don't stop with the excess sugar they can take your DC to their dental appointments.

Children having sweets or chocolate does not stop them eating healthily as well. It's the children that never have these treats that end up greedy and having problems with food. I used to see it at parties, you knew the children that didn't have treats would be shovelling the sweet treats in, those allowed them were blase about it
Also, when they hit secondary, it's full of 'unhealthy' choices

I have to agree with this personally.

My niece/nephews are like this , everything they eat is seriously controlled and policed to the max and sweets restricted(even Halloween sweets were givin away to the 'Switch Witch'🤦‍♀️ in exchange for cash) when they go to my parents house they are grabby and greedy and always look as though they feel guilty about eating. Very odd.

Given away*

Just chill Op, it's not the end of the world, white chocolate buttons have been given to babies for years, and I was giving a sugar lump by my health visitor when I had my immunisations when I was little. It's chocolate not cocaine!

Regardless of what we think about sugar, they shouldn't be going against the parents! It's so disrespectful. Grandparents are not entitled to do whatever they want with their children's kids.

Just to add, I do give DD edited by MNHQ - outing chocolate so its not forbidden and def not giving to the switch witch.
Its not a small treat they offer, its a whole bag of stuff for example big bag of pinball maoms is most recent.
Safia got a large bag of white chocolate buttons at not yet 5 months already so my concern is more with her weekly which will be detrimental to her dental health.

Take the sweets home and then throw them away.

I agree with you op. The grandparents have had their children and should respect your wishes on how you want to raise your children.

Playing the grandparent privilege card is emotionally wrong as it makes you feel bad and sets up conflict between you and your children.

I would bin the sweets if you can discreetly. It sounds like if you're open about your dislike of it the grandparents will try and give your children sweets behind your back and it's probably better to know what's going on as you can monitor it.

You could start giving the grandparents sweets and chocolates for every birthday and Christmas present and see how they like it although I accept this is not the most mature are way of dealing with it!

If they continue, I think it would put me off visiting them in future.

You might want to get your kids names removed from your post

Its not a small treat they offer, its a whole bag of stuff for example big bag of pinball maoms is most recent.
DD got a large bag of white chocolate buttons at not yet 5 months

What do you mean she got it, did they actually feed it to her? Anything the 5 month old gets can go in the bin and if they actually fed her it, I’d pick her up and leave. To be honest I’d apply that to any food for a 5 month old that I’d asked them not to give, waiting until 6 months is what’s recommended so if that’s what I’d decided then it’s something I would insist on.

I’d be tempted to make it clear I wouldn’t be visiting as regularly if they totally ignored my requests regarding drinks etc, and I’d call that “parent privilege”. They don’t get to do whatever they want regardless of the parent’s specific request and that attitude would just piss me off.

As well as being absolute shit for their teeth, Maoam pinballs sound like a choking hazard as well. I’m not actually that uptight about food, MIL provides childcare for us one day a week and I know that what DD eats there is a bit different to what she has with us as they’re more likely to have ice cream (or some other sweet food) in the house and that’s totally fine. I would draw the line at weekly big bags of sweets though.

I would be cross about this too OP - my parents would never have done this. If they can't respect your wishes as a parent, I'd start to step back a little and reduce the amount of time you spend with them.

I say this as an overweight adult whose kids seem to have a healthy relationship with food so far (eldest is 16).

YANBU

Why the need to give young children copious amounts of sugar? It’s mind-boggling. They are not missing out whatsoever by limiting sugar.

Just chill Op, it's not the end of the world, white chocolate buttons have been given to babies for years, and I was giving a sugar lump by my health visitor when I had my immunisations when I was little. It's chocolate not cocaine!

The addiction is just as bad though and the health issues that it leads to aren’t great either especially for children, unless you think that heightening their risks of diabetes, obesity, dental issues, high blood pressure, negative changes to the gut flora, and negative impacts on the brain are worth it. Just because it’s seemingly not a problem now, it can definitely be one as they become older and a struggle.

@SickAndTiredAgain

Its not a small treat they offer, its a whole bag of stuff for example big bag of pinball maoms is most recent. DD got a large bag of white chocolate buttons at not yet 5 months

What do you mean she got it, did they actually feed it to her? Anything the 5 month old gets can go in the bin and if they actually fed her it, I’d pick her up and leave. To be honest I’d apply that to any food for a 5 month old that I’d asked them not to give, waiting until 6 months is what’s recommended so if that’s what I’d decided then it’s something I would insist on.

I’d be tempted to make it clear I wouldn’t be visiting as regularly if they totally ignored my requests regarding drinks etc, and I’d call that “parent privilege”. They don’t get to do whatever they want regardless of the parent’s specific request and that attitude would just piss me off.

As well as being absolute shit for their teeth, Maoam pinballs sound like a choking hazard as well. I’m not actually that uptight about food, MIL provides childcare for us one day a week and I know that what DD eats there is a bit different to what she has with us as they’re more likely to have ice cream (or some other sweet food) in the house and that’s totally fine. I would draw the line at weekly big bags of sweets though.

This time they brought the sweets to my house, then hid behind their back and then gave them to my child. I don't get my husbands support (his parents) so doubly was backed into a corner but yes they're a definite choke hazard too. My dd1 is just turned 3.

Then they opened the bag of buttons and started feeding my baby. She hasn't had any other food yet so said 'what, bang that goes her wanting to eat veg ever if she has already had chocolate'. Nana then said she couldn't believe that grandad came out the shop with them for dd2 but then followed with we had already bought her some for 1st December instead of an advent calendar!??? I sternly said she can have 1 but wtf. Hence why I'm thinking I may need to be more clearer.

The issue is not helped that im not supported as my husband is so relaxed about things and doesn't care it seems what both kids eat. As an adult though he eats no fruit and will only drink fizzy drink

You don't need to lie about the dentist everyone knows water is (far) better than squash

You seem to be making comments and asides and it's being turned into an game of "fun grandma, mean mummy" nip that in the bud immediately. When they arrive ask them for any sweets etc and put them out of reach for "after dinner". Be clear, say "No, we aren't having them until later" If DD begs and whinges say "I said no" if PIL do the "isn't mummy mean" bullshit roll your eyes and smile. It's your home, stop letting them be in charge.

Couple of things/

Yes, generally speaking grandparents should respect your wishes.

In the long -run too much restriction of foods is likely to have precisely the opposite effect. As is making a big deal about certain types of foods.

So I practice there is a likely a better path here if you and the grandparents don’t just draw your battle ones and retreat to the trenches.

If a more conciliatory, collaborative approach doesn’t work you’ve got bigger issues.

Then they opened the bag of buttons and started feeding my baby.

I would have flat out refused to allow this when DD was 5 months and not started on any solid food yet. Saying things like “oh well now she’ll never want veg” makes it sound like you think it’s fine, a bit irritating but ok, because it’s such a silly reaction to say she now won’t ever eat veg. So it sounds like a bit of a joke. If DD was under weaning age I’d have removed her from them, and got quite angry.

Yanbu.

I suppose the rsal question is how much do you need them for babysitting? If you dont then frankly id stamp my feet and tell them that ignoring my parenting decisions is undermining and i wont stand for it and they wont see my children until they tow the line.

If you need them for babysitting then id let it go when they are 1:1 and try to cintrol what i could, like inviting them to my house ajd swiping sweets, even if it makes you look like the bad guy to your kids (they'll eventually resent grandparents for putting you all in that situation).

How often are they seeing the kids?

With the baby just say firmly "no, she isn't old enough for those yet and remove the packet". For the toddler, cheerfully allow one or two and let the grandparents get what they want from it, say "oh you lucky thing doesnt grandma spoil you!", let them enjoy giving a little treat without any disapproval. Then take the packet and put them away for later and say "we can't eat too many now all they will spoil dinner but thank you those will last ages"

Also, you can actually just be assertive and say no, take the sweets or leave.

Suggest stuff they can bring her? Book from the Works, different fruit (my 8yo think mango is one of the biggest treats going, despite sweets and chocolate), little toy occasionally? Doesn't have to be expensive.