Sweets / chocolate

[Elambert83]

Anyone else fed up with grandparents blatantly disrespecting your wishes as a parent?
I see them weekly and EVERY time they buy my daughter sweets and chocolate.
My daughter used to have a healthy relationship with food but now is becoming aware of choices and refuses healthy foods in favour of these.

I have expressed my wishes over and over and they say things like 'they aren't any grandchild of mine if they don't like chocolate' 'grandparent privileges' etc.

I have recently had another baby and she is not even 5 months yet and its started and against my wishes bought her a big bag of white chocolate buttons. She is not yet eating and they have completely gone against this so fear that they will bring in unhealthy choices too early that ill end up with a child who will refuse the healthy options if I don't have it out iwth them.

I don't want to cause a family rift but stuck feeling like my opinions don't matter for my own children.

The fact that 35% of people think YABU helps explain why there is such a high rate of childhood obesity in the UK and, shockingly, why some children are having baby teeth removed due to decay 🤦‍♀️

Young children don't need refined sugar any more than they need alcohol. You have every right to give sweets to your DC but why is someone U for preferring their DC to be healthy?

OP, they are your DC so their GP must respect your rules. Who cares what other people think?

Stop apologising to them, if anyone had given my five month old chocolate buttons I would've taken them and thrown them in the bin. You don't need to be sorry about the choices you are making for YOUR children. They had their turn to make those decisions. You also have a DH problem.

You also have a DH problem. If you two showed a united front, they would probably stop, but since he isn’t bothered it is making it out that you are in the wrong and they’re right since the father doesn’t mind.

Personally, it wouldn't bother me.
My parents gave dd sugary tea in her bottle and jam on her dummy. The words yum yum yum were one of her first when she spied a chocolate button.
Sweets and Chocolate are available in our house from the sweetie cupboard. Dd2 isn't fussed by sweets and chocolate.🤷‍♀️🍭🍩🍫

I find it difficult to be assertive especially because my husband would side with them and make me out to look ridiculous.
We don't need babysitting too often as dd2 is breastfeeding anyway but we meet once a week.
I have chickened out slightly and when arranging the next meet i have sent a text stating my wishes and hoping they will take on board, if they don't ill make to create more of a scene for ignoring my wishes. Thanks everyone.

Could you simply not go then? You don’t have to meet up with them if you don’t want to. Could you go out and do an activity with your daughters instead?

With your youngest I'd just take the sweets from your mil and put them away. They don't need an explanation, she's only 5 months old!
With the 3 year old, take the bag from her and give her one or two, that's enough then either get rid at home/ after they've gone or do as you wish.
If she's not having sweets at home with you then I'd make this a sweet treat day but restrict the amount you allow her to have.
Don't leave it to your husband to explain, there doesn't need to be a reason as to why your very small children should be having so many sweets.
If you do see them this week just take the sweets off them as soon as they're given, it might upset your 3year old but you'll only have to do this a few times before the in-laws get the message ( hopefully)

This is the reply:

Ok, sorry, it's what grandparents do!
Already got chocolate advent calendars x

Their other grandchild has just had to start running / a diet due to his obesity aged 8.
I'm not a witch and won't deny an advent calendar but they're now trying to justify for the baby who is still 4 months old that its only a bag of white chocolate buttons 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here, OP, it doesn't sound like you're restricting treats altogether.

Buttons for a five month old is ridiculous.

I'd try to police it strongly. So sweets for the baby aren't acceptable, your 3 year old can have a few and then the bag gets put away.

It's fairly common grandparent behaviour and can be very difficult for parents.

I can't believe they started feeding your baby chocolate buttons in front of you?! OP you need to be firm and stop stuff like that.

It's one thing giving sweets to your older child but another to start feeding them to a baby who's not even meant to be on solids yet.

I don't think there is any other option except for you to be more direct?? I would thank them for the sweets but take them myself and store them in a cupboard so they can be given out as and when to DD. Doesn't need to be super strict but the GPs need to understand they can't just come in and go against your wishes. Maybe they will stop giving so much if they know you will take it and just give it out more slowly.

They said that they are a little offended and its what they have done with all the grandkids. For a 4 month old if they had their way it would be the 2nd big bag of white chocolate buttons in 2 weeks.

I have said it now. They think I'm the ridiculous one cos its only 'white chocolate buttons'...

Undermining you is the real problem here

@phoenixrosehere

Could you simply not go then? You don’t have to meet up with them if you don’t want to. Could you go out and do an activity with your daughters instead?

I wouldn't do that to them, they love them. We make it a weekly thing and the kids go out other times with me.

@Elambert83

They said that they are a little offended and its what they have done with all the grandkids. For a 4 month old if they had their way it would be the 2nd big bag of white chocolate buttons in 2 weeks.

I have said it now. They think I'm the ridiculous one cos its only 'white chocolate buttons'...

Tbh OP, let them think you're ridiculous. They are being out of order in blatantly going against your wishes and feeding your baby chocolate.

Thank them for it and then put it away 'for later'. Let your older DD have something they've given, but put the rest away too.

I would have gone apeshit had they fed my ‘not yet 5 month old’ aka 4 months, not weaned child, choc buttons.

That is dreadful.

Whether or not it harms the baby as a one off. It is a massive passive aggressive display of power and control.

I would get a copy of an NHS or WHO guide to feeding small children, give it to them and say firmly “I am following current guidance on giving my children a healthy start in life. Their lifelong health is important to me. Please stop trying to undermine me as a parent, and buying their love. They will love you as grandparents, they don’t need bribing with sweets. ONE small sweet or something like a Freddo is Ok. Anything else, and if you give her sugary drinks, I will take her straight home “

And do it.

I went down the dentist route. It improved things marginally.

Feeding a 5 month old chocolate is absolutely bonkers and I would have been very angry about that. I also don’t allow sugary drinks but as pp have said, a little sweet treat now and then teaches them balance.

YANBU. My children are older but it has been a constant 'thing' and excessiveness, we have everything in moderation at home and sweets aren't off limits. Reinforce healthy habits at home, dental hygiene etc but set boundaries if you can or just get used to being the bad guy. My kids get super large bars of chocolate now, giant share bags of sweets, tubs of cakes....maybe for the wow factor and maybe it's the bigger the treat the more the grandparents love you! I'm ignored largely so if I limit them (when I haven't we've stomach aches, sickness, not eating dinner etc) I'm in the position of bad guy. And grandparents have diabetes for goodness sake!

I'd be blunt by now and tell them that their interfering has caused one of their grand children to become overweight and they are effectively helping to reduce his life by not listening. If they don't start listening, their access will be removed.

It's blunt, but sometimes you have to shock people like this and offend them into finally listening. Treats now and again are fine, but it's causing problems now and your child is refusing food now in preference of sweets. That's when you've got a problem.

This is why we have an obesity problem in the world. What starts as 'oh it's a treat' becomes an every day occurrence very quickly. And then there's less moving, more transport by car, more amusement in front of the TV etc. People are blind to it. Look at that mother who can't find a school uniform for her 7 year old child. That's horrific.

@Rubyupbeat

Children having sweets or chocolate does not stop them eating healthily as well. It's the children that never have these treats that end up greedy and having problems with food. I used to see it at parties, you knew the children that didn't have treats would be shovelling the sweet treats in, those allowed them were blase about it. Also, when they hit secondary, it's full of 'unhealthy' choices. Mine were allowed treats and in their 30s now, they have never had a filling nor a weight problem, they actually, very rarely eat sweet stuff now by choice. Your child is only seeing their gparents once a week, it won't harm them.

This is missing the point.

Grandparents shouldn't be undermining the mother's wishes. I have the same issues.

I feel for you OP and having read all your posts I don't think you're unreasonable.

I had similar issues but with my parents. They got my (then) under 1 DS quite a large chocolate advent calendar and gave him sweets at theirs (they do childcare once a week).

But luckily as they were my folks I felt I could be a bit more assertive and said I'm totally fine with them treating him but to think about what he's had in a whole day with them and just pick one treat food. So rather than a mini pack of buttons, a couple of Jaffa cakes, piece of cake at the park cafe etc, pick one thing as his treat. My DH and I also ate most of his advent calendar ourselves!

Like you, we offer treats and don't restrict anything but it was getting a bit excessive with so many in one day for us. Luckily they realised when I pointed to how much he was getting in one go and are more measured now.

I can't believe I'm about to type such a cliche but I do think you have a DH problem. You need to sit with him, be firm and get him onside so that next time it's coming from him and they recognise you are a team.

I wouldn't do that to them, they love them. We make it a weekly thing and the kids go out other times with me.

And their love equates to them constantly undermining you about your own children’s diet. I don’t mean NC but as a show of seriousness because obviously they’ve continued to undermine you despite you constantly telling them not to do things. What consequence is there left if they continue to ignore you? Even their apology was half-arsed and only you know if they are really sorry and mean it and are going to stop or are they just saying it as a way to silence you and to continue to do what they want.

@BlusteringBoobies

I feel for you OP and having read all your posts I don't think you're unreasonable.

I had similar issues but with my parents. They got my (then) under 1 DS quite a large chocolate advent calendar and gave him sweets at theirs (they do childcare once a week).

But luckily as they were my folks I felt I could be a bit more assertive and said I'm totally fine with them treating him but to think about what he's had in a whole day with them and just pick one treat food. So rather than a mini pack of buttons, a couple of Jaffa cakes, piece of cake at the park cafe etc, pick one thing as his treat. My DH and I also ate most of his advent calendar ourselves!

Like you, we offer treats and don't restrict anything but it was getting a bit excessive with so many in one day for us. Luckily they realised when I pointed to how much he was getting in one go and are more measured now.

I can't believe I'm about to type such a cliche but I do think you have a DH problem. You need to sit with him, be firm and get him onside so that next time it's coming from him and they recognise you are a team.

I def have a dh problem - i can't be bothered to again persuade him to listen /stop being so lax as a parent.

@phoenixrosehere

I wouldn't do that to them, they love them. We make it a weekly thing and the kids go out other times with me.

And their love equates to them constantly undermining you about your own children’s diet. I don’t mean NC but as a show of seriousness because obviously they’ve continued to undermine you despite you constantly telling them not to do things. What consequence is there left if they continue to ignore you? Even their apology was half-arsed and only you know if they are really sorry and mean it and are going to stop or are they just saying it as a way to silence you and to continue to do what they want.

They will probably continue but as its only me ensuring my children have the best start nutritionally I will be made to back down. They did the same with dd1, gave her chocolate when she was 6 months old and I told them then that she doesn't need chocolate yet. Thankfully dd1 doesn't like sweets much so tried one of the pinballs, didn't like it so I told her to spit it out and I told grandad she didn't like them and ate the whole bag in front of them that night to spite them 🤩