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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't say anything, can I?

37 replies

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 16:54

It was my birthday recently, and my best friend of 30+ years didn't get me a present - we usually buy for birthdays, and I bought for hers a few months back. I also bought for her baby a few weeks ago.

I know she's had a lot on recently, she has a 1 year old and has just gone back to work, so she may well have just forgotten (though she did wish me happy birthday on social media).

Now, I've had text convos with her in the past few days, in which we talked about my birthday and some family dramas and so on, and she hasn't said "oh, I've got your present here, you must pop round for it" - but I can't say anything, can I?

I mean, I'm not far off 40 ffs! So it really shouldn't matter, and I wouldn't consider myself to be a materialistic person. But I can't help being disappointed Sad

I should just forget about it shouldn't I? and be grateful for the friendship

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 16:56

Forget it and see what happens next year. If she forgets next year I’d stop buying for her.

Etinoxaurus · 08/11/2021 16:56

Yes
And I'm not normally, 'ffs get over yourself, birthdays are for kids', I'm very demanding of my DH. But a friend, even my very very best one who never forgets, I'd not give it another thought.

Moonshine11 · 08/11/2021 16:57

I think it's the thought for you isn't, like she's forgot/hasn't bothered etc not about the gift itself?
If so, I get it, I would be upset too.
I wouldn't bring it up though.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 16:58

I think if leave it as a one off, do you normally buy each other for Xmas?

TinySaltLick · 08/11/2021 17:00

If she has a 1 year and has just got gone back to work, I would expect frivolous birthday gifts to be pretty far down the list of plates to keep spinning right now

Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:01

No, @SleepingStandingUp, we don't buy for Christmas as we both have large families who we struggle to afford gifts for.

So we generally make the effort on birthdays, which is why I think I'm slightly upset that she has "forgotten" mine this time.

I will buy for her birthday next year, as I do love to celebrate birthdays

OP posts:
Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:02

@TinySaltLick

If she has a 1 year and has just got gone back to work, I would expect frivolous birthday gifts to be pretty far down the list of plates to keep spinning right now
I know, but she's the kind of person who would say "I've not got round to buying you a birthday gift, let's do lunch instead" - which I would love as we don't see much of each other these days
OP posts:
ronswansonstache · 08/11/2021 17:03

I've got a 1 year old and have recently gone back to work too. I can honestly say I barely know what day of the week it is sometimes! If it's uncharacteristic then I'd be inclined to give her a break.

Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:04

And I don't consider buying a birthday gift for my best friend of 30+ years to be "friviolous" but maybe that's just me...

OP posts:
Chikapu · 08/11/2021 17:04

Maybe she couldn't afford to buy you a present, maybe she just forgot with everything else she had to do. What would you hope to achieve by mentioning it to her?

Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:05

@ronswansonstache

I've got a 1 year old and have recently gone back to work too. I can honestly say I barely know what day of the week it is sometimes! If it's uncharacteristic then I'd be inclined to give her a break.
I know, but she made a point of posting about my birthday to my FB page, so she knew when it was
OP posts:
Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:07

@Chikapu

Maybe she couldn't afford to buy you a present, maybe she just forgot with everything else she had to do. What would you hope to achieve by mentioning it to her?
She would have told me if she couldn't afford it, as we are very open about things like that, ditto if she'd simply forgotten and then remembered when we were texting about it.

There is nothing to be achieved though, you're right. It would only serve to make her feel bad and make me seem petty, which I definitely don't want

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 17:15

@ronswansonstache

I've got a 1 year old and have recently gone back to work too. I can honestly say I barely know what day of the week it is sometimes! If it's uncharacteristic then I'd be inclined to give her a break.
Have you checked the date of your best friend's birthday?
MatildaTheCat · 08/11/2021 17:30

One of my closest friends recently forgot my birthday which was awkward because I knew eventually she’d realise, which she did and slightly implied I should have said something. Similar to your friend she has a lot going on and I was more embarrassed than anything else.

FB birthday reminders can be posted on almost without any thought, it’s possible she did it on auto pilot.

Let it go and be prepared for her to blame you for not saying anything if and when she remembers. Unless of course she ordered you a gift that hasn’t arrived?

Original poster
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 08/11/2021 17:33

@MatildaTheCat

One of my closest friends recently forgot my birthday which was awkward because I knew eventually she’d realise, which she did and slightly implied I should have said something. Similar to your friend she has a lot going on and I was more embarrassed than anything else.

FB birthday reminders can be posted on almost without any thought, it’s possible she did it on auto pilot.

Let it go and be prepared for her to blame you for not saying anything if and when she remembers. Unless of course she ordered you a gift that hasn’t arrived?

Thanks @MatildaTheCat

I won't say anything, and she would be upset at my being upset

She definitely means more to me than birthday presents! We're practically family (I married a relative of hers) Grin

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 08/11/2021 17:42

You’re not unreasonable to be upset, she didn’t even send you a card. Having a one year old doesn’t excuse everything. But I don’t think there is anything to be gained by saying anything.

ronswansonstache · 08/11/2021 17:43

@SleepingStandingUp I did remember that as it was in the spring but I forgot my stepsister's birthday, which was in September and coincided with my return to work!

SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 08/11/2021 17:47

My very best friend? I'd forgive her anything because I know she's really on my side and if I turned up at her house at 2am covered in blood, she'd help me bury the body.

TBF you sound like you're forgiving her already OP. If she's normally as fab as you say, one transgression is nothing Smile

YANBU to feel a bit hurt though.

Mia400000 · 08/11/2021 18:16

The same thing happened to me. By BFF of 40 years didn't give me anything. She lives 100 miles away but I was expecting something in the post. (This is what we do if we haven't managed to meet).

About a week after my birthday she phoned to tell me she'd just found my present in her Amazon shopping cart. She thought she'd gone right through the purchase process but it turns out she didn't.

It turns out my friend was having a really bad time with her mental health. (Which I knew about but hadn't realised how bad she was).

As you've been friends for a long time and this hasn't happened before, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

BrilliantBetty · 08/11/2021 18:47

I should just forget about it shouldn't I? and be grateful for the friendship

Yes.
And how lucky you are to have a long term best friend. That is a wonderful thing. I wish I had such a close friendship.

When you have a little one, everything changes and money is often tight, time is tight too and everything seems a lot of pressure somehow (I found). Perhaps present exchange is just something she doesn't want to participate in at the moment and it's a pretty awkward conversation to have... just leave off buying anything for her for now and don't expect anything either, stop the pressie buying unless you want to for the DC. Seems a bit unnecessary anyway, for adults.

PeriChristmas · 08/11/2021 19:00

You are nearly 40
She's just had a baby.
No of course you don't say anything! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tal45 · 08/11/2021 19:01

Do you think the friendship feels not as important to her now as you see less of each other and she has a very young child? I'd wonder if the friendship was drifting tbh. Hopefully not though x

RockinHorseShit · 08/11/2021 19:20

Are you 100% certain that she hasn't sent you flowers etc & they have gone to the wrong address? Do you have a mutual friend who can find out for you?

I sent a bouquet to my friend the other year... I didn't get a thank you, which was disappointing, but I noticed I didn't see my flowers in the birthday photos that she did post.

Another friend found out for me that birthday friend didn't receive my flowers, as they'd turned out to have been delivered to a wrong, but similar sounding address... could something like this have happened ?

DrManhattan · 08/11/2021 19:31

I get the feeling it's not about the gift at all, it's about the thought.
Yeah it socks but you can't really say anything. Just forget it about it and move on xxx

DrManhattan · 08/11/2021 19:32
  • sucks not socks lol