Friends 10yo DD hitting my 1yo DS.

[star8]

Hi everyone.
Need to write this out for some outside opinions. I have a best friend I've known for 9 years. Her dd was 1 when we met. Been through tough times together so a valued friend. Her DD however has for many year had anger issues both in school and home with problems with hitting peers and cousins. She is 10. Ive always been a bit wary of her and know that she can be sly with hittingas she has pushed my Ds1 when he was 1 but alwys when no one looking or around so I am hyper vigilant. So DS2 is one now and friend and DD visited. I have camera in room and had a feeling to be extra aware. She didnt know monitor was on. DS2 playing with her excited. He cant talk yet. I saw her roughly grabbing him. Wasn't 100 percent clear. She then came to room we were in to check what we were doing. Sort of scoped out the surroundings. Went back to room and i saw she went to top bunk and stepping on DS head with 1 foot. I was livid and shouted out for friend to go deal with it. The AIBU is i feel this will now cause a wedge between is as friends as although she told her off she thinks her dd will not do it again. I don't trust her and my instincts always made me hyper aware when she was around my Ds. It the calculated hitting and targeting the ds that cant talk that freaks me out. Ds1 is 5
Sorry its long I just can't get over it. It happened a few months ago.

If your friend was any real friend to you, she would keep her DD away from your children. I'm guessing she knows full well what her child is capable of. Your kids come first.

There's clearly something going on with the DD. She might benefit from some kind of therapy.

Don't expose your DS to her - it's a huge age gap, she has deliberately hurt him and you won't relax around her. See your friend without the children there.

Thanks for the replies. I know my boys come first they always will. Its a wierd feeling knowing the friendship wont survive most likely. You right she defo has some issues going on and i think because of that i have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and almost felt guilty keeping away from them. Really felt awful seeing how excited my ds was to play with her and then within 10 mins of arriving she did that. Friends thinks as time goes on we will probably fall back into our usual self. But I know it wont be. Only so long a friendship can go on when i specifically wont hang out if her daughter around. Shes a single mum so defo no time without dd.

You can't risk leaving your child near her without v close supervision.

The other thing is that it's really disturbing and unusual behaviour in her child's part. Is the mother in denial about how troubled her child appears to be?

She definitely knows. She has spoken to me about issues shes having with her and school are aware and had many meetings about it. School parents also keep away and encourage their kids to steer clear too. I just really dont like the dismissive "oh shes learnt her lesson this time". I am always on edge when shes around. Even before this incident. Its as though i knew one day she would do something.

You can't leave a baby or toddler alone in a room with an untrustworthy child any more than you can woth a dog.

I can't see why this would end your friendship - because you should keep your non verbal baby/ toddler within your line of sight if you have a ten year old non family member with known issues in the house! Its not as though they're both ten and going off to play together. There is no reason for the ten year old and unrelated one year old to be alone together!

If for some reason this seems impossible to you then see your friend during the school day or in the evening when kids are in bed.

That 10 yr old would never be in the same building as my baby again.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

You can't leave a baby or toddler alone in a room with an untrustworthy child any more than you can woth a dog.

I can't see why this would end your friendship - because you should keep your non verbal baby/ toddler within your line of sight if you have a ten year old non family member with known issues in the house! Its not as though they're both ten and going off to play together. There is no reason for the ten year old and unrelated one year old to be alone together!

If for some reason this seems impossible to you then see your friend during the school day or in the evening when kids are in bed.

This The friendship is doomed...it cannot survive this

Definitely right. I could see them on the monitor ds is nearly 2 so running around from room to room. There will be no way that will be happening again. My home is safe for my family and I wont be allowing her to do it again

@2bazookas

That 10 yr old would never be in the same building as my baby again.

This 100%

I would have been mortified. A 10 year old abusing a toddler

Kids can fight but a 10 year old doing those things to a 1 year old is something else and if it means you have to lose a friend to keep your baby safe then so be it

@star8

That is v sad but ultimately your responsibility to your children trumps your friendship.

Maybe if you draw a line here, it'll motivate the mother to take her child's problems more seriously.

Not an easy situation but you don't have a choice.

I am not sure whether this needs to be the end of the friendship. I'd be disappointed in the 'shes learnt her lesson this time's though, it's really dismissive and illogical to think a 10 year old with a history of violence anger and unresolved issues that multiple people are trying to help her with, will not do this again. I think that's what would upset me the most, I'd have preferred her to be honest and not minimise the extent of the issues. On the other hand this is probably a very difficult time for her and she is probably worried sick about her daughter and the effect of her behaviour on her own friendships like you. So I'd try and be understanding.

I think I'd say that it's best to keep meet ups where you can keep an eye on both children eg the park or if one of you has an open plan house bring all the toys into the room and have a dont leave the room rule. If she says her daughter wont do it again I'd just say that we don't know that for sure and you woudlnt be able to enjoy their company if you were worried about her son being hurt

She deliberately stepped on a 1 yr old head? That's very worrying. She sounds as if she's very disturbed in some way, that's very odd behaviour.
Despite your friendship and some sympathies for your friend and this girl, I would be extremely wary for your children around her. I very much doubt she is learning to stop these behaviours unless she is getting some help.

Knowing what you do, why on earth are you leaving them all unsupervised? Frankly you shouldn't be leaving a 1 year old unsupervised anyway, regardless of other children that are there.

Why are you leaving a 1 year old in a room with a child who you know is violent and aggressive?

The child should know better but Jesus Christ - any harm he comes to is on you.

Spot on. Minimising it with that comment was like wtf. She defo wont be around my children ever or in my home. Or out in fact. Believe me guy i am not trying to make my childrens safety 2nd to a friendship. No way jose.

Keep your children safe.

You could try meeting up just the two of you but the friendship would be over from my POV by her minimising.

Her DD is as at the age of criminal responsibility and there’ll be serious consequences soon enough that your friend will have to deal with.

Awful situation.

That is absolutely awful. I could understand if the child was 3 but not 10. The friendship doesn’t necessarily have to end (like meeting up when her daughter is at school) but absolutely NOT when the daughter is around. Even if you’re there supervising. How horrible. And how horrible for you to have witnessed it too.

Don’t let your kids come between your friendship. They shouldn’t be having unsupervised play for a start if you are aware she has issues. Arrange activities without the kids too if possible.

This is unbelievable and unacceptable wtf - no ten year olds should be behaving like this

Obviously that girl has issues and also obvious her mum is burying her head in the sand. A friend of mine was an aupair in the 90s in England to an American family whose elder daughter had these issues. So much so that the youngest sibling was living with grandparents in the States, after a series of "incidents". My friend left as soon as she could. She fell and twisted her ankle and said kid would bump into her leg on purpose, she enjoyed inflicting pain, and seeing others scared. I wouldn´t like to meet her as an adult.

That evil child would never be near mine ever again.

Sorry but you are at fault here too. You both knew that the child can act out and be violent.

You were aware that the child is more careful around adults.
You and your friend decided to allow the children to play outside your direct supervision.

Rather than putting safeguards in place by having an honest conversation and saying the child remains in the same room as you, you both ignored the issue until it resulted in the child hurting your child.

You can both be polite and loose the friendship or be honest and place firm boundaries about limiting how your children interact with each other.

If you don't want the child around at all be honest about that too, that way your friendship may survive as friendly ear.

She sounds disturbed OP.

Obviously keep her away from your kids but I would really consider that something has gone wrong with this child - this isn't a parenting issue. Older children dont naturally hurt babies - regardless of their lax parenting.