To be feeling (unusually) low re. friendless

[Essexmate]

Long one, sorry!

Backstory. I don’t have friends. I did at school but we didn’t keep in touch. Then at jobs I had “colleague friends” but no call anytime/go out/meet for coffee friends. I’m 32 so have been friendless for a long while and mostly I’m alright with it/accepted it and have a “their loss” type attitude.

FF to DD1 starting school, there are a couple of mums that say hello to me and I try to strike up conversation but they all seem to have their own “people” that they always go straight to iyswim. DD does get invited to parties but the parents all seem to know/stick with each other and it’s very difficult to insert myself in. Again, not nice feeling but it’s only a couple minutes waiting/picking up from school.

I take DD2 to a baby sensory class and have for about 6 weeks. The mums are friendly and we all have group chit chat throughout. Last week I thought a few of the regulars appeared a bit more friendly with each other but I was late and sat in the last space so it was difficult to tell.

So FF to today at sensory class and it turns out the friendly regular mums have all exchanged numbers and been texting each other and went on a group walk. They were recruiting the newest mum into their group while I was packing my bits away at the other end. I have to admit that this time I do feel awful and I’ve come away wondering what’s wrong with me. I wish my “don’t give a fuck” attitude would come back!

So, AIBU/silly for feeling like this?

Are you giving off signals that you don't give a F? Maybe the other mums felt you weren't interested. Maybe next session just swallow your pride and walk over to one of the friendly looking mums and mention you heard they did a group walk and you would like to come next time if no-one minded. I am sure they would be fine with this and invite you onto the group chat/message.

Totally second op's reply.
Just show interest, outwardly and clearly.
Abs then follow up on it.

I was a bit similar and I often form close friendships with just one or two people. I struggle with groups. But it will be important for your dd's as they grow to see you proactively doing this.

Your feelings are valid, of course.

However, the point is what you can do about this.

You like them, you'd like to join in... the next step is to say you'd love to join them. It really is that straightforward. They'll say yes for sure!

You can't wait indefinitely to be invited, sometimes you have to be the one to be brave.

I wonder whether you’ve got used to being quite insular and are unwittingly giving off ‘I don’t want to be your friend anyway’ vibes? Or are you quite introverted maybe? Do you think you’ve been chatting away quite happily to the other mums but they’ve found it difficult to get much out of you? Do you trust anyone to be brutally honest with you, like your DH, or a family member you know well?

Whatever it is, there’s nothing wrong with you. Not everyone is a people person. I’m friends with a couple of them and it is exhausting just watching them. Wherever they go, they leave with half a dozen friend requests on FB, three invites to coffee and having found out everyone’s innermost thoughts! You’re just at the other end of that range.

The pandemic has made everything worse OP. Sounds like you've had a baby recently as well, so it must have been a lot to deal with and you're looking after two little ones and doing great.

You're not silly for feeling the way you do, the sensory group mums in particular sounds hurtful (as does school mums but they do tend to be a law unto themselves. ) What I would do is find something else you can join in with with the baby, where there may be people you gel with more. Meanwhile, try not to take it personally with the sensory group people, could just be an oversight, just go along be smiley and focus on thinking positively about yourself. Maybe they'll ask you to join in next week.

Hope things soon start to feel better for you

I'm you OP.

I've been told I'm stand off-ish, I don't mean to be and I do try to be friendly. I think the problem is I'm quite shy and that comes off as 'snobby'. My sister can walk into a room full of strangers and start chatting with anyone. When I try that I get weird looks

No advice just hugs

I'm the same op, I would find it difficult to say can I join you on the walk, but that's definitely what you should do!! I'm quite shy and I think that comes across as me being a stuck up bitch and so no one talks to me.
I very much doubt that the group dislikes you, it's much more likely you're giving off don't ask me vibes. So be brave and ask to join the walk with a big smile, which I never do

Ahh OP, buckets and buckets of flowers and love to you. Its so tough, and once you feel out on the edge of everyone else it so becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, I know. As others have said, take a deep deep breath love, and go over and ASK to join - and maybe hint at why you need to. Xx xx

I've nothing useful to add OP, only that I'm in the same boat and it's really getting me down. I have one close friend but due to covid/family/work its so difficult to see her.

What makes it worse is seeing other people on social media, especially pictures of people out with friends, arranging meet ups and Secret Santa.

It doesn't help that I'm quite shy and a homebird who would rather at home in her PJs most of the time!

Op thats hard. Could you plan something with them x playcentre would u like to go some time. Its hard. I used have lunch alone temping. Office cliques. It can be isolating yes.

You need to be more proactive. I know someone who has gone from relatively few friends to absolutely tons of friends and a lot of good ones. She organizes loads of stuff, is very friendly, never turns down an invite and has started lots of new hobbies. It really is very possible but you can't wait for it to happen and for others to invite you. You invite them !

I'd definitely be more pro-active, say that I was up for meet ups, offer my number around. I think that's the only way.

I also think sometimes others do pick up on your attitude and mistake your not saying anything or packing up and saying nothing as not being interested so then they don't bother asking you!

Organising your own events as @workshy44's friend has done really helps too, a quick whatsapp to people always helps I find.

That's awful OP

Oh OP 😟 I think a lot of people will relate to you.

They don't know you well, so it can't be personal. Chances are you are giving a negative/uninterested vibe.

I agree with others, focus on showing how interested you are in getting to know them with smiles and ask if anyone fancies grabbing a coffee sometime.

Making meaningful friendships as an adult is notoriously difficult x

I think it might be you OP. You said they're friendly, maybe they think you're not interested. Next time speak up! "Oh a group walk,I must have missed that - is there a WhatsApp group I can join to tag along?" I bet (if they are nice) they'll say oh yes of course sorry not sure how we missed you out etc etc etc.

@Poptart4 yes, that’s exactly me. Try to stoke a conversation and it’s dead flat but the next person has the whole room talking!

Maybe I am giving off a bit of a vibe then without realising! I feel like perhaps I missed the opportunity to ask them today when they were discussing it so might be a bit awkward to just bring it up next week if one of them don’t. Maybe I’ll start with asking if they want to go for coffee

@Essexmate

Maybe I am giving off a bit of a vibe then without realising! I feel like perhaps I missed the opportunity to ask them today when they were discussing it so might be a bit awkward to just bring it up next week if one of them don’t. Maybe I’ll start with asking if they want to go for coffee

Definitely ask them if they want to go to coffee! If a new cafe has opened ask them if they'd like to try.

Good luck and . Don't feel awkward, just take the first step and make conversation and suggest something. Lots of people feel awkward but if you do reach out, that's great.

OP, I think you could unwittingly be giving off 'closed off' vibes.

The best way round this IMO is not to ask to join the others, but to organise an outing yourself and invite them. I would try and get in conversation with them and then say 'Oh btw, I'm thinking of doing X, Y & Z next week if anyone wants to join me.' big smile.

Could you post on your local FB mum pages that you're looking to meet new people, you would get lots of invites/ offers. Likewise, downloading something like Bumble BFF.

Unfortunately, if you want to make new friends in your 30's you do have to put the effort in, they won't knock on your door unfortunately. It's hard in a group too, I'm often left out in groups, I'm just not comfortable in them and I think subconsciously I come across as miserable/ stuck up etc. I cultivate my friendships one on one or in small groups of 3/4.

I understand exactly OP

Someone recently said to me “oh but you know loads of people” but I don’t! I know lots of people to smile and say hi to (first stage) but very few have got to the coffee stage and even fewer to the have them round for dinner stage.

I think it is a bit like dating, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and risk rejection. Don’t be afraid to show you are keen. Do suggest coffee or ask to join the walk. Don’t assume everyone else is sorted for friends- a few are, but plenty are like you and happy to get to know more people. Especially if you have a new baby and a reception child - these are prime friend finding years (for everyone not just you!)

The more you go to, the more you will find you are included in other stuff. The other day I steeled myself and invited myself to something (only felt brave enough because someone else had already invited themselves!) Then while I was there, some drinks were suggested so I got included in that too. If I hadn’t invited myself to the first event, I wouldn’t have been included in the second iyswim.

It is something that takes work, for all but a lucky few.

Did you do NCT or other baby planning classes? I do think it’s notoriously difficult to make friends as the baby class group, often people already know each other and go in groups

I moved to a new area where I knew no one so I set up a Facebook group to meet people and walk our dogs together. Now I have some lovely friends. Can you do a similar thing?
You have to be proactive!

I wonder, what are/were your parents/other role models like re: friends? I sometimes worry that I barely have any friends because that’s how my mother has always been.

I can completely relate OP. And like you, I am usually ok with it but every so often it really stings.

Completely agree with previous posters - invite yourself. Take the leap! At the next class approach them with a smile, introduce yourself to any of the mums whose names your are unsure of and say "oh hey did I hear there's a walking group, we would really love to join if that's ok"

My kids are coming up to school age and I'm worried that my inability to form friendships might end up affecting my kids when things like group play dates and birthday parties start happening. I seem to be very stand offish and have terrible resting bitch face. But I'm determined this won't go on and I'm really trying to change my approach. I've been practicing in playgrounds by being as friendly and approachable as I can and practicing general chit chat.

Don't let this stop you OP

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling low. Feeling friendless is a horrible feeling. I live abroad in a different culture and language than the one I was brought up in, and have bouts of friendlessness.

I’d ask you, why do you think you have no friends? You say you lost touch with school friends. Did you attempt to keep in touch? Do you ever initiate meet ups? You’ve got to be bold and put yourself out there. Do you generally like being alone? Sometimes it’s exhausting if you’re a bit of an introvert to maintain friendships. But we feel sad when we don’t maintain them. It’s tough.