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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you'd move a partner you'd only seen a handful of times in?

49 replies

RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 14:49

Without asking your adult daughter (still living at home) how she felt about it?

So, the main bit of the story is when I was still living at home in my early twenties, my mum moved in a man she had met a few times. They'd met online and communicated long-distance. I wasn't consulted at all. I eventually managed to move out but i'm still so angry. He changed my mum and was awful to me. They literally ignored me when I was there. There was other things too but I can't comprehend how someone can move someone in so easily without the agreement of her own daughter then put the new husband first.

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 07/11/2021 14:50

Oh hell to the no! Shock

Sorry this happened in your life btw. Flowers

LuluJakey1 · 07/11/2021 14:50

No, not under any circumstances- not because of an adult daughter but because it is an unwise thing to do.

JudgementalCactus · 07/11/2021 14:53

God no! That's insane!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2021 14:53

No of course not.

What’s your relationship like with her now? Is she still with him? How old were you at the time?

People do this all the time even with young children. It’s incredibly selfish and often dangerous. But they’ll keep doing it.

Suzi888 · 07/11/2021 14:54

Not a chance in hell!
I’m sorry your mum did this to you. Flowers

ConsuelaHammock · 07/11/2021 14:56

No

UndertheCedartree · 07/11/2021 14:59

Gosh, no that's not good. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own home.

However, there is nothing you can do about it now and remaining angry just hurts you. It's not easy -but try to accept it as in the past, while also knowing it is completely understandable that this hurt you.

0palescent · 07/11/2021 15:01

Absolutely not. It is at the least inconsiderate of the mother. As well as being potentially dangerous. Stupid decision of your mother's, and I'm sorry you had to put up with that.

Vates · 07/11/2021 15:02

But you were an adult? You say 'early twenties' I don't get it. Unless you were vulnerable, had a disability or mental health problem? (in which case that would be horrible and I apologise!).

ChatterMonkey · 07/11/2021 15:02

How adult is adult?

If you were 18-21 ish then no its totay not acceptable, and you should have been considered a lot more.

If you were 30+, then meh, you are chosing to still live there, your mum is chosing to take a risk on a man.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2021 15:03

I missed early twenties, sorry.

Was she tired of having you living there and wanted you out?

Theuniverseandeverything · 07/11/2021 15:04

Is she still with him?

FluffyBooBoo · 07/11/2021 15:07

Not a chance. And there's no way I would put up with someone that didn't treat my adult children well, whether they still lived with me or not.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/11/2021 15:07

Partner or new husband?

Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 15:09

Oh yea, she'd married him abroad by then after a few times of them meeting.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 15:17

Yes she's still with him and he does absolutely nothing. He works but at home doesn't lift a finger.

OP posts:
AnonyMum21 · 07/11/2021 15:19

It was a foolish thing for her to do - and definitely not nice for you (sorry you had to live though that) - but ultimately it was her home, her life, her decision and her risk.
As an adult, you were free to leave - as you obviously did although maybe sooner than you wanted to?

I’m guessing maybe your relationship with mum wasn’t that brilliant beforehand though? Because yes, it was a pretty awful thing for her to do to you and you are fully justified in resenting it

Classicblunder · 07/11/2021 15:20

I wouldn't move in with anyone that quickly as I am naturally cautious. But I don't think I would feel like I had to get my adult daughter's permission/agreement, I would assume she would be moving out soon anyway and would accelerate that if she didn't like it.

Original poster
RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 15:26

He wasn't nice to me when he did move in. He refused to have a conversation with me and basically treated me like I didn't exist.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 07/11/2021 15:26

I wouldn't but you were in your twenties. You could leave.

Classicblunder · 07/11/2021 15:29

To be honest, it sounds like your mum was just done with having you live with her - not everyone wants their adult children to live with them indefinitely, it's very different to raising children

ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 15:29

@RainbowBriteUk

Yes she's still with him and he does absolutely nothing. He works but at home doesn't lift a finger.
Well she clearly feels that having some dick living in her house is more important than who he actually is, or how he treats her, so ... her life, her choice.

But it must have hurt, OP - not just the personal slight, but at how ridiculous & vulnerable she made herself. Flowers

LetHimHaveIt · 07/11/2021 15:31

No. Women - and I've seen them on here - who prioritise their fannies over their children, infuriate me. I feel very sad for you that your mum did it.

ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 15:31

@Classicblunder

To be honest, it sounds like your mum was just done with having you live with her - not everyone wants their adult children to live with them indefinitely, it's very different to raising children
Yeah, when my DD was getting ready to move out, I installed in a random man I knew fuck-all about into my home. It's a rite of passage for every mother & daughter, isn't it? Move along - nothing unsafe or desperate to see here ...
ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 15:34

@RainbowBriteUk

He wasn't nice to me when he did move in. He refused to have a conversation with me and basically treated me like I didn't exist.
No surprise. Users only bother with people they can use. You weren't providing him with a roof over his head, housekeeping services or a shag - so why would he bother with you? He'd want you out of the way, so he could have 100% of your mother's attention & resources.